Thanks for the feedback.
It's not the fact that he's giving him a late tea that bothers me - i was pissed off because what actually happened was: i emailed and said i'd pick up at 5.15 as usual, will he be at home (is sometimes at a friend's), he said not sure, call and check where we are, i said fine, i'll call when i get off the train about five past. i called at five past 5 and said i'll be there in 5 mins, he said OK. I turned up five mins later and called to say i'm here, can you bring DS out and he said - actually, i'm just going to give him his tea.
bearing in mind they'd been at home all afternoon, and bearing in mind that we're not getting on at all at the moment, i think it is really provocative of him to have done that. He would have just said, when i called, sorry, i haven't given his tea yet, we'll be 20 mins. i could have gone off to do shopping and come back. fine. no problem. I think what he did was asking for a fight.
He is ALWAYS late for everything. This is a fact about him. i generally allow for half an hour lateness if he is picking up/dropping off and i don't stress about it. i wouldn't have minded this time if he could take responsibility for it and have had the courtesy to let me know so that i don't have to sit outside the house in the car for 15 mins.
This is on the back of last week's pick up being a nightmare because he didn't tell me to come at 6pm, he let me come at the usual time (i texted to remind him as i always do!) and he had kids over for tea, which had only just started. so i had to sit and wait with them all, it was very uncomfortable for the adults because everyone knows we are not getting on (the next day he emailed to tell me it had been 'inappropriate' of me to be there - as if i'd known about it!)
I don't know he can't just either stick to our plans, or let me know that things have changed. In my view that would stop a lot or arguments. In his view i should chill out.
Seriously, it's like he is a bit mental.
I have now said if he can't stick to our agreed plans we will have to go to mediation and agree to rigid times and a routine that we both have to stick to. At the moment the weekends are very flexible, which is his choice, not what i'd like, but i try and work with it. It means constant negotiation, which we don't do well together, and he gets pissed off if i don't agree to everything he suggests, and says i'm being controlling.
Gillybean, he could have had his dinner at home. i live 20 mins away.
He just doesn't communicate and after two years of it, i am at a loss as to know how to make this work. He can't seem to see that just letting me know what is going on would save so many arguments.
DS behaviour i am keeping an eye on - it's difficult because in general he is very good with me.
I really appreciate all the support.