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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Having a low patch :(

20 replies

Newbabynewmum · 23/02/2011 19:29

Sorry. I need a rant. I cannot be left alone with my thoughts & don't know who to talk to.

Left ExP in December after his unreasonable behaviour have a 5month DD. I am being more than fair with his access - due to his past behaviour I am around when he see's her he doesn't on his own.

All he does is talk about other women & exciting things he's doing. Today he said he's going to the savoy for dinner on the 1st etc. A meal we had booked to go to together like our first outing alone after having DD. I managed not to rise to it and not to ask him who he's going with.

We have argued about money and he hasn't given me a penny in 3 months I am now going through the CSA but as many of u know this takes so long to sort.

He makes digs at me living off the state. U have no choice! I am borrowing £2k off family members to allow me to rent and furnish a home for me and my DD.

All this while he lives the life of riley. I am staying at my mums where I do not even have my own bed, DD wakes at least twice in the night and I am exhausted.

Honestly I hate the man. He goes out drinking & for dinners continually undermining and having a go at me.

Sorry to rant I judt need to let it out. He is a horrendous person who goes out of his way to let me know how great things are for him now. Arrrggj.

OP posts:

happygolucky0 · 23/02/2011 19:39

Is there some other way of arranging contact so you do not have to spend time together. Other family members? Sounds like he knows how to get to you and is making sure he gets to do that when he meets up.

In my experience the getting at you doesn't end. I am 13 years down the line. And got to the point that I stopped DS dad's contact. He would not turn up as he knew this got to me and I took it for too many years till I woke up and thought My son doesnt need this crap in his life.

Sorry to sound grim but I just wanting to try and explain that it is better to sort it now from the start rather than take years of crap from him.

Good luck

gillybean2 · 23/02/2011 19:42

Sounds like you're exhausted. And it's much harder to deal with things when you are.

You know perfectly well he's simply tryng to get a reaction out of you. Well done for not rising to it. Just ignore anything unrelated to your dd. Repeat - does this involve dd's welfare? NO? then I don't need to hear it.

Why do you have to be present when he has contact? I mean you specifically...
Can your mum or other trusted person be there? They can be with him and dd and you can be upstairs/kitchen (near but not near enough to engage in coveration).

If you have no one who can be there to support you during contact you need to look into a contact centre as an alternative. For your own sanity if nothing else!

Original poster

Newbabynewmum · 23/02/2011 20:23

My mum could but I don't want to put her through it - he's pretty nasty and I don't want her to have to be there.

I am thinking of going to see my solicitor to say it's not working out what can I do. I know EXP wouldn't agree to a contact centre so not entirely sure how I'd get this to happen. But you're right, this simply isn't working.

I know I'll get flamed for this but I wish he'd just disappear out of our lives. I am certain my DD would be better off as he is an awful abusive person - something I only got the courage to walk away from when i had DD.

This isn't going to happen though! He's intent on showing off to the world that he's such a great dad, which he is not. I feel a bit calmer. Thank you for listening to my rant. It's nice to know some people have the same issues in their lives. I do not know any other LP in RL so it is hard to know who to talk to.

OP posts:

lagrandissima · 23/02/2011 20:28

He sounds like a total a-hole. Not easy to deal with at the best of times, but ten (a hundred?) times harder when you're sleep deprived, still a bit hormonal, and getting used to all the joys and constraints of motherhood.

You have to just keep saying to yourself that things will get easier. Wish I could offer some more practical support; sending positive thoughts your way, for what they're worth. Keep strong, keep sane, life will get better for you. And don't stress about being a LP per se - you're a mum, you have loads in common with all the other mums (whether they are single or in relationships). Make sure you get out to some baby groups, do some post natal get-togethers, and brazen out any awkward questions early on. Things will get better. Big hugs.

pickgo · 23/02/2011 20:36

If he goes on to you about living off the state tell him you it's because you have a f-wit X who's too feckless to support you financially!

Seriously get back to the solicitor pronto to get arrangements in place to sort this out. You shouldn't have to still put up with X after leaving. Take advice, but if it's an option I'd seriously consider refusing access totally. Your DD does not need such a nasty abusive influence in her life.

And in the meantime cut access to a minimum - be going to a dr's appointment, just on your way out, have flu, staying elsewhere for a few days, anything to avoid him for a bit.

Original poster

Newbabynewmum · 23/02/2011 20:42

I want to refuse access. He Has intimidated me so much throughout our relationship that I dread having the simplest of concersations with him. He is highly manipulative and makes out to the people around that he's a great guy but in reality he's not.

Thank you for all your kind comments. I know I will get through this. I am determined. Just a rubbish rubbish day to add to a rubbish couple of months.

OP posts:

Meglet · 23/02/2011 20:43

If he doesn't want to agree to a contact centre then it's his problem. He cannot be abusive to you and expect to swan in and out of your house .

FWIW I arranged mediation and a contact centre for my XP as he was being abusive to me with the dc's around, he was kicked out of mediation and refused to attend the contact centre (I turned up with the DC's twice and he didn't go). His loss. I did what I could.

IIRC I got in touch with the contact centre through the local police (they had been involved) who referred us to Womens Aid who could refer to the contact centre. Any of those people might be able to point you in the right direction.

pickgo · 23/02/2011 20:46

Good advice Meglet.

Original poster

Newbabynewmum · 23/02/2011 22:12

Solicitors tomorrow.

I'm going to give him the chance of the contact centre. I'm hoping it's too much bother for him and he will leave us alone. We'll see! He might take me to court, but I have to protect myself and my DD.

Thanks for the advice and kind words, I need a boost, and some sleep!!

OP posts:

MavisEnderby · 23/02/2011 22:16

AWW Sweetie,you can do this.I am afraid my single mumness come from bereavement and i can't offer any practical stuff except carry on being strong and fabxxWill be thinking of you tommorow.You are a fab mumm and he is an arse.Stay strongxxxx

happygolucky0 · 24/02/2011 18:33

Hope things went well for you at the solicitors today.

happygolucky0 · 24/02/2011 18:33

Well done!

Original poster

Newbabynewmum · 24/02/2011 19:15

Just told EXP I've found a house to move to - he's now having a go at me saying it's an awful area (it's not) and he should get some say as to where I live. I'm not moving city or anything it's the same distance away as my mums.

It's all about control for him. He can't stand the fact he has none now. The solicitor couldn't fit me in today :( EXP talking to me like this gives me even more resolve to go and see the solicitor though.

OP posts:

pickgo · 24/02/2011 21:55

Good luck NBNM hope you get to see the solicitor soon.

The cheek of thinking he can tell you where to live! And he doesn't even financially support his child! Unbelievable. Hope your solicitor is a rottweiler!

mmsmum · 24/02/2011 22:39

He's an arse and full of shite. He's not going anywhere near the savoy or anywhere else. He is sad and pathetic.

If you can keep conversation to a minimum and don't tell him anything about anything unless its about dd and he has to know.

Good luck with your solicitor, it takes time but you'll get there

VioletV · 25/02/2011 12:05

He sounds like my ex! Control freak, everything. The bit where he makes out he's going to be a great dad is what kills me. Glad I'm not the only one with a mong for an ex.

Live where you want. Until he pays you any money I'd refuse access. Easy for me to advise my baby isn't born yet but should mne decided to tell me or control anything he will be told to get bent. And should be not pay enough money as by CSA guidelines, he won't get access either.

He may have been in control when he was with me but he really can get bent if he thinks he'll dictate once bubba is here.

Amazing how strong you become when the wankers out your life eh?

Gster · 25/02/2011 12:30

There is a thread somewhere about getting revenge on your X.

At least one person said that their revenge is being completely indifferent to their X's life and happilly getting on with their own.

cestlavielife · 25/02/2011 13:36

" Until he pays you any money I'd refuse access"

no no no you cant do that.

court wont look kindly if you link money to contact.

you can stop contact for child welfare concerns =- not for money issues.

Original poster

Newbabynewmum · 25/02/2011 20:07

I'm not going to refuse access on the basis of money, although I do think it shows how little he cares as a dad when I have nothing & we have massive rows about it yet he claims to the world he's such a good dad and loves DD etc. Useless man.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 26/02/2011 07:28

You don't need to row/discuss money with him. You asked, he has refused, so you go to the CSA.
Ok so they'r enot great, but at least you don't have to talk to your ex any more about it.

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