Advice urgently needed, from all sides please

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This is my first time on here, I've read through the threads but not to clear on the abbreviations so a bit lost! Ok, been a lone parent since I was pregnant 11 years ago this year. I was 18 and the father was 28 and made it clear that I was just a bit of fun when he found out I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with me. Never saw him again, asides from twice when I was obviously pregnant in his work where we met (bar/nightclub, enough said). I didn't tell anyone who the father was, not even my family.

There was no contact or attempt at knowing my daughter. When she was 18 months I asked him for financial help (I was still at Uni and also working part time, things were becoming impossible) - he reacted very badly, caused a huge fight amongst our mutual friends and he cleared off. CSA got involved and it took 8 years of resistance, court orders, him moving abroad, going back into FT education and a DNA test before he finally started paying 10 months ago. Needless to say, the general consensus is that he would never ever be amicable.

My daughter was 10 last week. Despite the circumstances, I thought I ought to give him the chance to see the photos of her birthday celebrations via Facebook. I have never before felt compelled to do so but my daughter has frequently asked for him in the last year - just general questions, nothing too indepth, she's long accepted the fact that he wasn't ever around. I sent a short, concise message & stated that it didn't require acknowledgement & I didn't want to cause any upset - just that the album was accessible for a few days if he chose to view it.

I expected either nothing or abuse. But his reply shocked me. He's apparently dying to meet her - has apologised for his behaviour, explained that his mother and closest friends have been encouraging him to 'do the right thing' and try to start a relationship with my daughter. He has admitted to being ashamed and suffering the last while for how he handled the situation - he said he has wanted to contact me but was afraid that I wouldn't allow him to know her. He's worried that he would upset my daughter's life or that she wouldn't want to know him. He's praised me for how beautiful she looks, that he gets from the photo comments and my FB profile (we 'added' each other yesterday) that there are so many people who care for her and he says his elderly mother was in tears when she saw the pictures. She has no other children or grandchildren. We've now sent a few lengthy messages back and forth and I get the impression he's genuine, but again, I don't really know this man from Adam.

I have spoken to my own mother. She's never met him and understandably didn't have much of an opinion of him but she cried too and thinks that, potentially it's a wonderful thing that he wants to know my daughter.

Please help me. For so long I believed he would never be in her life. Or mine. He's a complete stranger to me nevermind my girl. I'm petrified that his motivations aren't strong enough to see this through. What will this do to my girl? She would love to know her father - I'm single, my Father died 3 years ago and that was the nearest she had to a father figure - but I think she's quite insecure when it comes to relationships, I don't want her to pin hopes on him. I don't want to deny them the chance to know each other either - or his Mother knowing her only granddaughter but the guy was a complete moron for years and years! I don't resent him, I just don't want an idiot (if he hasn't changed at almost 40 years of age now) messing with my baby! How do we go about this?

Sorry so long, didn't realise it was. But any experience of introducing a child to an absent parent that is a stranger to everyone? Any absent Dads have an opinion? Grandparents? Just general insight or thoughts please - I want to do the right thing and it's just turned everything upside down

Wow, I don't really have any advice as such. Just wanted to offer some support.

I'd say go slow & follow your gut instincts. Try meeting up with him without your daughter first, Maybe ask him to write her a letter before meeting her, and send her some photos & gauge your daughters reactions, at least if it does all fall though your dd will have something to keep from her dad.

Keep us posted on how you get on. I'm sure there will be some experts along soon

Earlier I was writing about the importance of identity to children. Children who are insecure about their parentage tend to have low self esteem leading to behaviuoral and emotional problems in later life. Whatever the father's motivation it is your daughter's right to know and see him warts and all. Better late than never.

I would contact the father and agree in principle to contact being gradually introduced. A first step would be for him to send short letters to your daughter with stories about himself and photos to establish a relationship. You can help by discussing the nature of families, the usual milestones, physical likenesses etc although at 10 years of age your daughter should have covered some of the ground at school. This can be followed up with phonecalls, Skype etc then after a couple of months you could arrange a few short half hour meetings at a neutral venue such a play centre or park for you to introduce them. If this goes well and your daughter is comfortable he could start taking her out on his own for an hour or so gradually building up to more extended periods of whole days, overnights weekends and holidays.

This may take sometime and the father may be unable/unwilling to commit to regular every other weekend arrangements but even if it is only a couple of times a year or doesn't work out your daughter can only benefit from knowing him and his extended family. Who knows, the father may genuinely have matured and changed.

Good luck

I have a DS who also never knew his absent father. I have to say that in our situation, I would run a mile if his father decided he wanted contact all of a sudden! I wouldn't want to risk our stable life being destroyed by someone who had mistreated us badly in the past. This is not out of bitterness or a wish to punish him, but my first priority will always be DS and his right to feel secure and safe.

Admittedly, my ex was somewhat more abusive than yours has been and he represented a real risk to both myself and my son.

If you are sure that you want to go ahead with this, I would take it very slowly, keep your boundaries clear and keep everything on your terms. It's lovely to think it all might end happily ever after and your daughter to develop a relationship with her father, but remember you'll have to pick up the pieces if this man decides to turn his back yet again.

We lost contact when ds was a baby. We began contact again last year. It was very hesitant and rather scary but the fact was, we got on, we both apologised, and we were ready to do it.

Ds is 7 and has taken it fine. As long as you get on and trust him enough to let him in tentatively, it will be Ok.

Take it very slowly. Maybe a visit every few weeks, for a short while. Then build it up a bit to perhaps once a month, regularly, so there is a basis on which to start - and wing it, together.

Ds has not based his life around 'Daddy' arriving and never asks when hes coming or anything - it's almost a side issue to him - but the feeling that he knows his father's face and name and his dad is being a really positive influence in his little life, just for 2 hours a month, is really important.

Be careful, go slowly, make sure you are part of everything initially, till you BOTH know him. I knew ds's dad for several years before we had ds, so I already trusted him pretty well.

Good luck. Just make it all on your terms, at least for the time being.

Sorry, I should emphasise that ds's father was never abusive or violent. We didn't part very amicably but he was essentially a sane and good father. That's important.

This chap sounds like he might be more of a 'friend' than a proper dad to her, but that's Ok if she can handle it.

I'd suggest that maybe you meet up with him first, rather than taking your daughter with you/inviting him over. That way you can sound him out about his motives and get the measure of him a bit before making a decision.

That tobyLerone gets everywhere!

Radio1 listener by any chance?

Yes very good idea.

Slowly slowly would seem to be the watchword and if he is genuine then he needs to prove it by being patient.

I think the suggestion that you meet with him first is a good ne. You need to figure out if he is genuinely interested HIMSELF or if he's being cajoled in the background by his family and just saying the right things to please his family.

If he's genuine then I do think its best for your daughter in the long term to know both her parents.

Thank you for the advice everyone - it's good to see your different experiences and thoughts. I think that I definitely have to talk more with him and meet him first. I think the most part is getting my head around the fact that he isn't necessarily the heartless beep I presumed he was. But, after that, in the long term as long as I can be sure that he is committed to doing the best for my daughter, working together to do so, then letting them develop a relationship is the right thing to do. I think it's something my daughter would want to do too - although it will be my decision, seeing as how he's a complete stranger.

It's hard not to let my assumptions and set ways get in the road though. My reaction is just to keep him away. He never did anything abusive - but we barely knew each other. It's an odd situation, especially to have no knowledge of who he is, other that the man who did a runner.

I'll keep you posted on how things end up going. Although this is going to be a long, slow process indeed.

Wow, I just want to say good luck on this journey. It must feel strange but I really hope it all works out for your daughter.

10 years is a long time and a man of 38 can be quite different to one who's under 30 and a "bit of a lad" at the time. I'd take the advice on going slow but I'd definitely say it's right to let your little one meet her father and just gently support her in this. Hope it all goes well, when is the meeting?

If your instinct is to keep him away, perhaps you ought to listen to that.

I have to say that my initial re-meeting with ds's father was a complete accident - we met in the street - and I felt instantly that I wanted ds to know him.

I'd spent a good few years thinking about it all, though, and trying to get over the upset and anger from before. I felt ready to let him in, I felt we were safe enough iykwim. So even if it went a bit wrong, it wouldn't matter or harm ds.

I knew he would be lovely to ds though, he always is, highly supportive and lovely - just not around very much. that;s just how he is.
but had my instinct been to keep him away I'd have wanted to follow it so please don't ignore your gut feeling.

Also ask your daughter how she feels about it. She will have a good idea at ten, what she feels is important and what isn't. my guess is he will be far less relevant to her than you might imagine. So don't worry too much and take it at your own pace.

I want to say good luck too, please please keep us posted, could very well be in the same boat in 9 years time too!!

Best wishes

Hi just wanted to add my support, agree with the above posters who say that you should meet up and have an honest conversationa bout your fears and concerns and also his.

Trust your instincts, if he seems genuine then it is def in your dds best interests to know her father. In a way I'm hoping my dds father may at some point also 'see the light and error of his ways' !!! Would love for my dd to have a relationship with her dad.

Good luck with it all

Good Luck from me too - and just a note that people can genuinely change in really dramatic ways. A good friend of mine had a very similar situation - got pregnant to a guy in the services and he had no interest in changing his lifestyle or babies.

He came back years later, having matured and had some life experiences that had made him reassess his life and he was truly sorry for what he'd missed. He worked really hard to win back the trust of his (by then teenage) DS, in the face of some (deserved) but fairly unpleasant behaviour and harsh words from my friend and her DS - but now is a really important part of their lives and a proud (and very involved) grandad.

It can happen.