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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Getting a two year old used to two homes ?

18 replies

Gster · 21/02/2011 08:13

I've recently split with the mum of our two year old DD. Despite some tension we are managing to keep things civil, but both realize we need to see less of each other.

I live out in the countryside, XP lives in the city. It's about a 1:30 hour drive between the two. We've always had separate homes and have split time between the two homes over the last two years.

We've tentatively agreed to work towards DD staying with me for two nights every other weekend. ( + half of holidays ).

And to get to this point, mum and DD would start to visit / stay at my new home ( I'm moving soon ) together, I'd do day trips with DD until she feels safe and secure staying with me without mum.

I'd like to hear anyone's experience / advice with similar situations of helping a toddler to adapt to this change. I have a very good relationship with DD, but she is obviously very attatched to her mum still only being two......

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 21/02/2011 08:24

Toddlers are fine as long as they feel safe and have plenty to occupy themselves. I'd say she may get more upset if she gets used to mum being there when she goes to your house and then suddenly she isn't.

2 year olds generally settle better at nursery once parent has left. They can scream, shout, cry and generally use whatever they can to tear at your heart strings when you go to leav, but geneally they settle very quickly once parent has gone. I think the same could happen here. Mum may well feel upset when she leaves if she gets that reaction. WIll she just walk away or simply prolong the upset for herself by trying to reassure rather than just go...?

Children get used to different environments and rules very quickly. Otherwise no child would settle at school! You have presumably spent time taking care of your dd before and have the house set up in terms of draw locks, toys, toddler friendly/fun crockery and cutlery etc.

You are capable and you'll both be fine.

lottysmum · 21/02/2011 08:39

We shared care from an early age ...3 years old.

It worked pretty much well straight away for us because my Ex was a hands on dad. We split toys so that our daughter had some familiar items to play with at both homes...

The key is to ensure that your daughter feels safe and has lots of fun with you...maybe worth while trying to make contact with any other single parents in the area as soon as you can...go down the park (if there is one near to you) on a regular basis....and work together with your XP...if DD sees that your XP is not happy then she will pick up on this too.

Good luck - It can work really well for someone who is 5 years plus down the line and still shares care...

Original poster

Gster · 21/02/2011 09:04

Yes, when she starts coming to stay, my home is / will be geared towards her in terms of safety practicallity, and activity. From child locks to a Peppa Pig cutlery set. etc.

It's very reassuring to hear it can work.
I have looked after DD in the past solo. Three nights was the record and she was fine with me, but this was on the familier ground of her mums house.

I'm just a bit nervous as my XP has made comments about how, if she feels that DD isn't having a good day she won't let her travel to mine. It's fair enough if she's ill, but my XP seems to be looking for reasons as to why the situation will be distressing for DD rather than being positive about it.

As for other single parents. Yes I've been trying to find out about all the activities available for kids and to look at ways for DD to have friends when she's at mine.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 21/02/2011 09:21

Yes that is my concern for you. That if your ex decides she can't leave dd because she is distressed (as is normal behaviour exhibited by some children who are absolutely fine 5 mins after a parent has left) she may refuse to leave her and make things tense.

Also if she is not supportive of this situation your dd may pick up on the anxiety and respond to it.

I think you need to work more on ensuring your ex is on board and supportive rather than worrying about how to settle your dd. Because if you are both settled and relaxed about it your dd will follow.

Original poster

Gster · 21/02/2011 09:50

gillybean,

yes. you're right.

XP is suggesting that I get a one bedroom place and share with DD rather than make sure she has her own bedroom when she stays, which i refuse to do. She has to have her own bedroom.

In her mind I think she sees her own home as being the main home ( true ) and therefore mine as a lesser home and that my energies should be spent on bolstering the main home ( hers ). This at a time when she's looking at buying a new £500k house.

In the past she's accused me of being selfish for having nice toys at my place as DD doesn't have daily access to them. ( she has all the toys she could wish for at XP's )

But you're right I need to get my XP on board . Just not sure how.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 21/02/2011 09:57

Get this book, tell her you've read it (after you have) and ask her what she thinks...
www.fnf.org.uk/shop/product/categoryid/21/productid/81

STIDW · 21/02/2011 16:25

The important thing is to remain child focused. When very young children are stressed the levels of hormones in the part of the brain that controls emotion increase and usually come down when they are comforted and feel secure. If a child has separation anxiety at nursery the level usually returns to normal within a relatively short time whereas if a child is uncomfortable with overnights the levels tend to stay high and may over the long term damage children.

There is a lot of parenting that goes on during the night and much will depend upon how much you have been involved with that until now. Some children under about the age of two may find overnight contact difficult and rather than stays of a couple of nights your daughter might readjust more readily with the gradual introduction of shorter more frequent periods, for example by splitting the overnights so she is with you just one night at a time two or three times a week. Then as she grows older contact can become longer periods less frequently.

Original poster

Gster · 21/02/2011 17:27

STIDW

thanks for the input. do you have any links to info regarding the anxiety ?

We are trying to put dd first,and plan to introduce her to the change over the next two or three months, starting with days out to my place, visiting along with mum, eventually ( assuming all is going well ) single nights at mine, and only then consider longer stays.

Unfortunatly me and the Xp live about an hour apart and now that mid-day naps are being phased out she's in bed by the time I finish work.

Who knows, two nights might be too long for her, we'll have to see how it pans out. The only other alternative is to ask to have her every w/e which I don't think the XP would be happy about.

I have looked after her solo before when XP's away working for days and it went v. smoothly, as long as DD understands that mummy will is coming back at some point she doesn't seem anxious at all.

OP posts:

Smadarama · 22/02/2011 01:05

Hi - Just wanted to say it can work really well. DS has had 2 homes since he was 2 years old. He's 10 now and during that time exH has lived in 3 different places - DS has taken it in his stride and now just accepts that he has two homes. They are pretty adaptable at that age. He found it much more difficult when I moved home when he was 6 and I have to admit I think a lot of that was picking up on my anxiety.

Sounds like you're approaching it really well. Good Luck

hairylights · 22/02/2011 19:21

I think your ex is being unreasonable. You have every right as her father to have her stay and the sooner she gets used to your place without her mum the better. This not having her own room thing sounds luke manipulation . Could she be setting you up
for a fall if it comes to needing to go to court (ie she coukdnargue you dont have space for your daughter to stay)?

I don't want to be mean but it doesn't sound like she's gir your daughters best interest at heart.

Original poster

Gster · 22/02/2011 20:23

It's a fear yes, but who knows. Only her I guess. Sadly, tragically even, I don't trust her any more, so I don't feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt. She is a lovely woman in her way, if somewhat uptight and neurotic ( I'm perfect of course ) . I'd just like to move on in a timely manner that works for all of us, especially my lovely DD.

After two years of being told everything I did was wrong, it is a massive relief now when I take DD out to realize that I can do a good job and that my DD loves being with me and vis-a-versa. ( mini rant )

But it doesn't matter really about the room issue, I'm now moving fairly fast in finding a two bedroom house in some really outstanding countryside. Fields, woodland, little streams. I'm really quite excited about exploring it with my DD.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/02/2011 23:52

dont have mum come with dd - except for quick handover -as others said, they settle better if quick and happy goodbyes are said.

the more dd gets used to going off with you the better it will be - and the more mum get s used to waving her off then better too for all of you.

SelinaDoula · 23/02/2011 12:26

I agree with the others.
We have had 50:50 shared care since DD was 3 (although not quite at such a distance as you). We do 2 nights in the week each and alternate weekends.
I don't think your ex should come stay with your DD, it might be better if you met her half way (with the drive) and take DD to your house on your own. She will cope, its important you are calm and reasuirring (rather than overly concenred if she gets upset etc) all kids get tired and have tantrums etc its not because she is with you or in the new house etc
My DD lives in her Dad's, Mine (I moved 5 times in 3 years after we split) and also spends every other weekend 3 hours away with me on my DP's boat!
Kids are adaptable!
Good luck!

PintandChips · 23/02/2011 14:19

Really try not to worry, your DD will be fine. I would suggest it might be better if you go and collect her from your XP's place rather than have her drop off - might be less distressing for everyone.

My DS has had two homes since he was two, he's fine with it, he splits his time 3/4 nights a week between us, I get the 4.

ideally you home will feel as much like her home to her as her mum's... so own room and toys etc. would be great, so you can get into a routine with her.

in my view It wouldn't really matter if she was sharing a room with you, as long as it feels permanent (i.e. she's not in a make-shift bed when she comes to stay). Having said that, if you think your XP might aim for you to have less time with your DD, then she might use having to share a room against you.

At ALL times, try and keep it civil, remind your XP that it is supremely important for a child to have a strongly bonded relationship with their father just AS MUCH AS with their mother. Remind her that what you are trying to do, you are doing in the best interests of DD, not for selfish reasons.

As the mother, i know how hard it can be to go without your toddler for days at a time after a separation - it can be very very painful and lonely, and can feel completely wrong, because every atom of your being wants to have your baby nearby. It's very difficult to remember that your child does not feel like that, your child is having a wonderful time with their other parent, and they have every right to that.

Good luck

Smum99 · 23/02/2011 18:57

My DH had his daughter from that age and there wasn't a problem. Children really do adapt and they know if they are being cared for. Her mum was usually anxious and fretted that their daughter would want to live with him. He did try to reassure but she felt very insecure. It's important that the mum does not tell the child how sad she feels if the child spends time with the other parent as that makes the child responsible for the parents feelings.

You can make it work, willing cooperative separated parents can do it. I hope that is the situation for you.

portaloo · 24/02/2011 10:11

My DD, 2.6, has been spending every other weekend with XP and his g/f since she was 2. Sol in court said this was a common arrangement despite my reservations. I worried how DD would cope with it, but from the first visit, DD has loved her time with XP. She runs to him when she sees him and comes back happy, saying 'Daddy fun, Daddy fun'

portaloo · 24/02/2011 10:16

BTW, I didn't really do anything to help DD adapt as such, XP just picked her up one day and we played it by ear. DD was fine.

Mumfortoddler · 02/03/2011 20:53

My dd, 22 months, spends two days a week with his dad. He takes toys between the two houses now and his favourite toy goes everywhere with him. In terms of settling he's always upset to say goodbye to us in the transfers but he is absolutely fine once either parent has departed. It has been heart wrenching at times waving him away as he cries, but he seems to have got used to it by in large. He's always a bit angry when he comes back to me after being away and I just shower him with love- you might find something similar. He's a happy kid all the same.

Good luck with everything.

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