I need advice...or to meet someone who has been in the same boat

[OliveOlive]

Hello

I'm new here and posting because I really need some advice from some people who have been through this.

My H and I have been separated for over a year now, but because he lives and works over 100 miles away, he comes and stays in the former marital home at weekends to see our daughter.

But I can't take much more of it.

I don't know what to do. Our daughter is 5 now, and she misses her Dad being nearby. He's not in a hurry to try and get a job where we live. The house is in both our names, and it's cheaper for me to stay here than sell up and rent. And I think the house is still in negative equity so even if we sold we'd end up being in debt.

I'm going to divorce him in November when the two year separation thing becomes possible.

I just wondered if anyone else had been in this position and how they managed it?

It's so hard because he's so moody, so grumpy when he's here. He makes mess and housework and doesn't help out, and if I question him about it, I get shouted at for picking a fight.

I just want it to be me and my daughter.

I'm so angry, frustrated and sad all the time and it's not fair.

OOxx

Can you not divorce him now?

Can you not go and stay with friends for all or part of the weekend?

This must all be so hard for you [un-mn hug]

Does he have relatives or good friends in the area he could stay with, so he doesn't have to stay with you?

Really sad to hear this - very difficult for you.

Is there any way your daughter could go to his house sometimes?

It sounds like most of the stress is coming from the time you have to be physically together - could you meet up with friends, go to the cinema, get a Sat job, go shopping - use the time he is there as a way to have some you time?

He doesn't want a divorce, so I have to wait til the 2 years rule kicks in. If he'd agree to it now, I'd do it now. In a way, that's not the biggest issue. It's more to do with how he gets weekly contact with our daughter but without staying with me.

Yes I could stay away every weekend, but then I don't get to see my daughter and also the house is a complete tip when I do get home again. I've had ten years of trying to persuade him that cleaning and chores need to be shared, but it only ends in arguments. I'm in tears tonight because I complained about the mess he left before he went back to his place, and he yelled at me.

Unfortunately, we only moved to the area 3 years ago and while my daughter and I made a life and friends for ourselves down here, he hasn't done that. So no, there is no-one here to stay with.

I feel so stuck and so trapped. I don't know what to do.

He's not making it any easier or helping in any way to sort this out.

I do try and do my own thing, even yesterday I said I'd go to the supermarket, but he sulked the rest of the day as I said I wanted to go on my own (and my D wanted to come with me and not stay home with Daddy).

Thing is, if she stayed with him, I'd have to take her on a two hour train journey to get to his place and vice versa when he needs to bring her back. I have mentioned her staying with Daddy on her own and she gets distressed. She is a proper mummy's girl.

Hi Olive

As you know, your current situation is untenable. Even if you could tolerate sharing the house like this, in x months/years time you will both move on and that will just further complicate matters. What about when either of you get a new partner? Will his new GF be happy with him camping out at yours? Or vice versa?

Realistically if you want your DD to continue to have contact then there will be a point where you will have to face not seeing her for a few days. Often this is every other weekend. My kids have this routine and for years I ferried them 100 miles to their mum's house and she returned them. So that is one possible solution. Your daughter goes to his house for the weekend.

The other option of course is you escaping to a friends/family every other weekend and putting up with the mess upon your return.

But I think if you wish to move on then you will need to be realistic and expect you wont see DD for a few days.

oops crosspost. It used to take me 2.5 hours on a motorway every fortnight to do the 100 mile trek. The judge felt this wasn't far and his exact words were "It's not exactly far is it?"

Why can he not collect DD for visits? Seems unfair it would be all down to you to get her to him.

The reason I mentioned divorce now was so he would not have any right to come to your home. It would also mean you could formalise some contact arrangement which would not involve him staying with you.

if he does not want a divorce, even after 2 years , you still need his consent to do it

sadly you will have to wait for 5 years to be able to divorce him without his permission

i do sympathise though, my exh used to come and go at the beginning of the split, and refuse to leave , because at that time he was still on the lease so there was nothing i could do and he knew it

fortunately when the lease was up for renewal i took it over in my name only

i found it horrendously stressful, looking back i can see how badly it affected me

good luck with it all :)

It sounds like you're putting off the inevitable. You are seperate he sounds very nasty/unpleasant (verbally/emotionally abusive) when he stays at the former marital home.

To an extent like it or lump it your h needs to be collecting your dd alternate weekends and looking after her elsewhere.

I would look into divorcing him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Thanks everyone.

I guess tonight I realised I'm getting to the end of what I can bear, and hearing from supportive and experienced people in this helps me.

And reduces me to floods of tears, as of course, all this will be down to me to arrange and carry through.

He doesn't drive so all the collecting and returning of DD would be done via public transport.

In an ideal world he'd get a job near us, but seeing as that hasn't happened in 3+ years it's unlikely to happen overnight.

I also feel more guilt than I know what to do with. I feel bad I'd get to keep the marital home to myself.

But I also feel like I'm losing my grip on reality and coping, so what good is that to my little girl?

Thanks all x

What is apparent to me is that you seem to have no control at all - that's why you are finding it so stressful.

I think you need to start making some decisions and forming some boundries, however unpopular, so that it's not just his choice all of the time.

He is deciding to come to your house every weekend, he is disrespectful to you with your space and posessions, he is sulking when your daughter wants to shop for an hour with you, and then he is acting out his anger to you regarding the seperation and shouting at you as he leaves.

You need to think about ways to regain some control. Have you sought legal advice? Have you had the property valued? Is it worth having some solo counselling, not to rebuild your relationship, but to understand why you respond in the way you do?

Why can't he relocate nearer to his daughter, therefore making the every other weekend scenario that is common, more realistic?

Well he needs to find accommodation elsewhere for the night(s) he's down and just take dd out for the day or something similar. I can only suggest that you get legal advice one the way forward.

The discord and your unhappiness is probably making your dd more insecure and less happy about spending time with her Dad.

Perhaps the first step is to say that from now on it needs to be alternate weekends so both parents get so spend quality non-school time with your dd.

It sounds awful tbh.

If you sell the negative equity debt would be split. I assume you are working? Even so you may well be elgibile for some housing benefit towards renting. Child maintenance is not included as income for HB and Council tax benefit calculations - this is quite a new thing.

I think it would be worth considering this as it is then your home, a clear financial break - it would really underline to him and your dd that the marriage is over and give you back the control and boundaries you really really need.

Thank you so much for your time.

Yes, I do feel like I have no control. I guess I'm looking for reinforcement of thoughts I have had recently.

I have thought about counselling and talking through my feelings, I know it's all to do with guilt. This situation is, sadly, my doing. He would have stayed married if I'd been ok with the way things were. He's not abusive really, just immature. And I hate confrontations, it's not a good combination.

I need boundaries and I need some control you are right there. I am going to seek legal advice, and he knows this. I also think that our house is still in negative equity, or if not, is borderline the value we paid for it. And our current mortgage is cheaper than rent would be for a smaller property near here.

Oh and if I had a penny for each time I broached the relocation to somewhere nearer idea I'd be rich. He works in a specialised area within a department of a big Uni in a major city. The jobs and salaries where I live do not exist. We've always known this, but I did think he would find something. In reality, I think he needs to earn a big salary because his dream of being something else in life hasn't come to fruition.

Sorry if I'm talking too much and yet trying not to give TMI away.

And again thank you.

It is awful. I just never thought this would happen to me and it's a living nightmare.

I think you're right CarGirl and I need to be brave and explain I need some weekends where he doesn't come down here. I was thinking of asking him for one weekend in four where he stayed where he lives, and then one weekend in four he could come here and I will stay away. To start with. He needs to get used to the idea that this situation is temporary while my daughter is so little.

Yes I do work, and I think it's probably just enough to qualify for very little. But this I don't know.

Look at entitledto website. Use figures for renting a 2 bed place instead of having a mortgage. You may wel be surprised at what help you get - probably the difference which would make it possible. Then you have no maintenance costs. Also is it's smaller it will be lower council tax, cheaper bills etc etc.

Most importantly freedom from him.

You don't need to ask him about having a weekend off from his visits tell him that he is only welcome to come and stay alternate weekends from now in. do it in writing.

OP I think you need some legal advice and help. You are too close up/sucked in to this situation to see it clearly and be assertive.
Plus sorting out an access arrangement via a solicitor might help avoid confrontation.

I'm concerned to read that you have a huge burden of guilt because the split was all your fault. No. It's rarely down to only one partner. You have tried for 10 years to get him to take responsibility for his own possessions and his child and he has chosen not to respond. I'd say that guilt should be his.

It also sounds like he treats you with little respect shouting, sulking etc. And really it's not your problem what arrangements he makes to enable him to see his DD is it?

One more thing, why should you feel guilty about keeping the family home? It's so that you can bring up your DD in it isn't it?

Get some legal help with this and take back control of YOUR life.

Good luck and take care x

My dsd'd mother lives a long way away and she books into a cheap hotel near us for weekend access and dsd goes to the hotel.

You do not need to sell your home. get legal advice. You can buy your ex out of the house by giving him his share of any equity (or profit depending on what's the difference between value owed and mortgage outstanding), but if it is in negative equity or breaking you might not have to give him anything. Depending on how much he put in etc etc etc but see a lawyer about all that. I got to keep our FMH and paid my ex 12% of the equity. That's what the solicitors agreed and the judge ordered. You will probbaly get a bigger share to keep your dd in her family home.

I persoanlly would also start divorce proceedings against him - osunds like you have enough there for unreasonable behaviour. My ex shouted about it, not agreeing etc but in the end he agreed. Amazing what a well worded letter from a solicitior can do.

He also needs to stop coming to your home. now. You cannot cope with this carrying on indefinately. That means you have no provacy and cannot move on with your life is he is staying wiht you. Either your dd goes to his for the weekend/every 2nd weekend or he stays in a Travelodge/B&B and your daughter stays with him - or if you both agree she comes home to you at night but that stops you having any social life. You simply say to him that you agree he can have dd every(alternate) weekend - whatever you want and then it's upo to him to sort it out. You and your dd will get used to her going away with him - it's bloody hard and takes a long time to get used to it but you will value your child free time eventually .
Please go and see a solicitor - where are you? I can recommend a fantastic one in northampton ! he worked really hard for me and got me a very fair financial split. take care and good luck. Hope it all works out for you x

Do his parents or family live nearby or inbetween? Could he stay there at all?

Unless you put your foot down it won't change, he's obviously comfortable with the arrangements, no doubt you're feeding him while he's staying with you too? Take the advice given by everyone above, for your own sanity if nothing else Olive. Life will be so much more pleasant for you when you have this sorted.

Hello everyone

Thanks so much for the advice you've all given me.

I'm just about to email him, far safer than talking. I'm going to start with a compromise, it's not going to be enough but it's going to be a start.

I need to take control and talk seriously about separation and divorce to him, so he begins to accept it. This is happening, it's not going to go away.

I'm not ready to stop him coming to the house full-stop, but I am ready to change the length of the time he stays here and the frequency of his visits. This will do for now.

He's not a nasty man, just very immature and more than a little self-absorbed.

Olive.

Hi OliveOlive

My exp and I split up in October. He works away during the week and returns at weekends. We alternate responsibility for who does what with the kids. It is far from practical. On his weekends I either go out or my bedroom becomes my living area. On his weekends he knocks around the house get on my wick. I have nothing to say to him. He is fine one weekend and aggressive the next. I spend the entire weekend in a state of anxiety just waiting for Monday morning. He is refusing to move out until he finds a local job (actually he said until it was advantageous for him to do so!). Of course in theory this could take forever (and I think that's the real aim behind it). It really does suck and must be confusing for the kids. I care how they're dealing with the separation whereas he says he doesn't care and certainly doesn't want them to grow up to be like me - soft. He thinks the world is a hard place and they need to get used to it - charming.

I hope you find a resolution soon. Today after receiving a raft of unpleasant threatening and completely unhelpful emails I told him I am going to see a Solicitor on Monday and get the ball rolling for hopefully forcing him to move out. It is unpleasant, goes against how I would like to handle this but I'm out of patience and goodwill and he is a grown up child with hideous entitlement issues. The kids take precedence and I feel they need stability. They may have access to him each weekend which they won't when everything is settled but I think this situation is going to get worse and it needs to be resolved before it starts to do damage. Separated couples should not have to live under the same roof for months and months with nothing really going on to push for a resolution.

I'm with you on the whole messy issue. I can't stand the state the place is left in on a Monday. I feel like a child who has no control over anything at the moment. Not a good place for anyone who has responsibility not just for themselves but for two others to be in. I just want my life back and to not be controlled.

I wish you well.

WADA thank you.
I sent you a PM, hope you don't mind.
I wish you well too, good luck.