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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

really need your help please dont judge

10 replies

mummylou85 · 19/02/2011 10:10

Sorry I am on my phone so can't do paragraphs but this is the basics. I feel trapped basically!!! I am 24 now and have a 5 year old and 21 week old both girls. I fell pregnant on my first when I was 18 it was a newish relationship just a few months etc... When I found out I was preg the dad finished it said he didn't believe baby was his etc.. I am not like that at all but there you go I kept baby had strong family. Contacted him when I had my daughter and his mum visited on his behalf when she was 10 days old I agreed to dna but told her he gotta pay and rearrange it and then I be going to csa never heard nothing until he visted when my oldest was 3 months and he was demanding to have her 12 hours a day and weekends etc. I said no he was a stranger done nothing for her it or paid penny. Supervised first then build up. He then starts pestering for sex etc. I give in once then but me and my daughter were so unhappy. At 3 months old she cried constantly when he was around but he lost interest in her and didn't hear from him until she was 10months old and I got court order. We went though courts 2 years. I got off lucky as he was so clueless that it didn't progress in court and my daughter was so upset everytime he was around though she is better now at age 5.. He weren't awarded parental responsibility either as judge didn't think he was commited etc and still never paid a penny. Lost count times he stole money out birthday cards etc... He got a high paid job and his legal aid was stopped so he dropped court case. My daughter was 2 and a half. it was a rough time. Since then its like we been treading on egg shells. To this day he not had my oldest as he can't be trusted it sounds bad don't it but he leaves all kinds dangerous stuff around his place, never gives her anything to eat/drink etc. Much more complicated then this but he compulsive liar.. I really hate him and his emotional games and blackmail that I have been giving in to his pestering for sex that's how I ended up concieving Scarlett I won't change her for the world but I was always made to feel like I'm the one in control. By having sex or doing whatever I get to keep contact on my terms and he threatens of courts a lot I don't want go through that with the girls not again. My oldest was put through so much it seems easier keeping him sweet. But its eating me up lately and he is getting worse and out of hand. He turns up at my house late at night for obvious reasons even when I say no. When he comes in the day to see the girls and my 5 year old goes out of the room he touches me up etc. Told him how I felt it makes no difference. I went upstairs last weekend to get my daughters boots and he followed me. He just gets up and uses toilet wanders up my stairs without even asking. He demanding me over what I should do with me life. He keeps nagging to move in. I ask for him to set up account for girls as he don't pay anything or buy some nappies but he says he skint he has too much debt. I am really struggling and would go without for my girls. I just can't stand him I been in tears over this last few days and there is no way out. I love to move far far away. I don't want put my girls through courts so of course I got to carry on. I would love him to have girls once in while so I can have break but he says as soon as he has them he taking them far away and I never find them he got family north wales so I believe him... He admitted only reason he took me to court was to hurt me. I generally believe he don't care for our daughters at all he just wants to make my life hell. So sorry for this post but not got a clue what to do. Stupid enough not to use condom he refuses but even though I say I'm broody I cannot have another child by him at all in this mess. Please knowone judge sorry its long. Much more to it then this I missed loads out. I just can't see a way out xxx

OP posts:
ledkr · 19/02/2011 10:21

do you still love him?Is that the problem?os if not it seems easy to me,set up contacts vis friends or relatives and stop letting him into your home and your life/bed.

ChildofIsis · 19/02/2011 10:30

Would it be possible for a member of your family to be around so that your not on your own when he calls?

You are clearly a very strong, capable woman. It's also obvious that you have lost your confidence.

How about you just stop opening the door? If you put the chain on he can't get in.

You need your privacy from him. He's assaulting you when he pressures you for sex. Have you spoken to the police or your health visitor about this?

Please don't be alone with this problem. He has no right to barge into your home and upset the children

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 10:50

There is a lot of help out there, all you haveto do is reach out for it. Start with Women's Aid as this man is definitely abusing you. He is bullying you and pretty much raping you (making you allow him sex by threatening to take the children/withold money). You DO NOT have to live like this, his behaviour is NOT acceptable in the least.

mmmitsdelicious · 19/02/2011 11:06

Firstly go to your GP and get the Pill. The last thing you need at the moment is to get pregnant again.

You need to arrange access to your children through relatives or at a contact centre if you don't believe he can be trusted on his own with them.

Do not let him into your house again.
Tell him that he can see his children but not in your house and not with you present unless you have someone with you.

If he starts to harrass you ie. banging on the door, threatening you just call the police tell them that he is harrassing you etc and they will get rid of him. Make sure you keep your doors locked.

Change your phone number. make sure he has a way of contacting you regarding the children ie. through a friend or relative.

be strong! Have you any friends and family who can help support you?

chickorita · 19/02/2011 11:07

I agree with all the comments left so far.

This man is clearly a bully, and you really do need to get yourself some support. The way he is treating you is unacceptable.

Ask a friend or family member to be with you when he comes around, or better still, meet him away from your home.

Wishing you lots of luck.

hairylights · 19/02/2011 19:59

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

First I think you need to speak to womens aid. You are being sexually abused.

Second you need support to break all contact with thus man.

I am very much against parental relationships with their children being stooped by another parent but in these circumstances I think it is the only thing that is sensible.

happygolucky0 · 19/02/2011 20:10

I think it sounds like you need to stop any communication with him tell him that the free sex is over it isn't what you want any more. Then don't answer phone or door to him.
If he gets aggressive and wont leave then call the police to help but dont let him in the house.
II don't know why you want him around for the your children if isnt helping you eg mmoney, caring for them to give you a break. Leving unsafe items around the house ect.
I think you got to get strong and stand up for yourself and know that you deserve better. I am not judgeing you just trying to eencourage you ..... My friends say to me when I get into crappy relationships that make me unhappy...If this person isnt making you happy then why are you with them? So ask yourself why? Set yourself a goal to not speak to him. He will soon leave you alone and get bored as it takes two. so if you stop playing he has no game. Think of your children and how you want the best for them to help you stay srong good luck huni x

happygolucky0 · 19/02/2011 20:12
  • sorry for all the errors keyboard is giving up on me!
pickgo · 20/02/2011 00:48

I also think you need some support in this situation and women's aid will offer you that.

I think that going to court again might actually be the best thing for you and your daughters. That way whether he does or does not get access it will not be something he can hold over you as a threat.

I wouldn't pay any attention to him saying he will take the girls away. Why would he do that? He'd have look after them then and spend money on them. It's just an idle threat he's using to control you and get you to have sex with him.

You don't have to put up with him. You sound like he's ground you down for a long time and got you forgetting YOU are in charge of your life, not him. Take back control and start by not letting him into your house.

To get some breaks is important. Talk to your HV and look into arranging nursery/cm for a morning or 2 for your youngest while older one at school. Surestart might be able to help. What about friends/family that might take DC for an hour or 2 once a week or something?

Chin up and let us know how you get on. x

Amieesmum · 20/02/2011 01:20

I second what everyone above has said.

Best thing you can do, is hold your head up high, you don't need him & neither do your girls. Move on with your life, and show your girls you can be a strong independent woman.

CSA take a while, but get there eventually so get them to take money from him!

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