All you happily single - come and talk to me pls!

[Polaris]

I am gathering up the courage to leave DH. Long story, but I just want to move on. Have 2 DCs - 6 and 2.

The thought of single life just really appeals to me, but the few people that I hve spoken to tell me not to think the grass is greener and tell me it's hard to find another partner,

Well, I don't WANT another partner. I want to have lots of friends, be able to persue my interests freely, build up my business and build up my social life again. I don't really feel as if sex is ever that important to me that i need to find a man. I can do without it!

I need some happily singles who are living the life and are not preoccupied with copping off with someone. I feel as if I'm the only one who can possibly contemplate a happy single life, but know I'll find some like-minded others on here. So c'mon, tell me I'm not going make the transition and then find out that yes, I really do have to have a bloody man in my life to make me complete..

I thank you :)

I've been single for twelve years and am very happy with my unfettered life!

I have no interest in having a relationship with a man for the foreseeable future. Some of my friends find that quite strange, but I look at some of their relationships and find them strange, particularly the degree of compromise (usually on the woman's part) that seems to be the norm in a lot of their relationships. I like men and get on well with male colleagues and friends, but I don't want to have one in my house!

I have a job, lots of friends and lots of interests and can honestly say I've never felt lonely.

The only thing that is not so good is the constant financial struggle. Trying to maintain a household (mortgage, bills, etc.) on a single income HAS been difficult, but if I had to make the choice again I'd go for independence every time.

I got pregnant at the tail end of a going nowhere on/off relationship and have been single ever since - dd is now 6. (I think it's easier as I considered myself single anyway so I wasn't saying goodbye to a cosy family set-up and I don't have anything like that to miss.)
I am just now beginning to think that it might be nice to get involved again, but I am very wary of the idea of giving up any of my independence and introducing a partner (and maybe their children) into my family life with dd. I have seen the difficulties that others have had integrating two families. At the moment my gut feeling is to wait until dd has grown up, and start dating again then!
I work 3 days a week, have made new friends through a local mums group and arrange group holidays with other friends who have young children (which is easier for everyone.) And I am busy enough to find quiet evenings at home on my own a blessed relief.

FionaJT, I feel the same about the evenings. I'm so busy the rest of the time that I relish my evenings at home. Not that they're quiet as I have DDs ranging from 4-14 so my older children are up late.

Thanks for the responses. I see what you mean Gilly - there is an awful lot to consider, however this is not a lifestyle choice, because yes, I have been exposed to prolongued emotional abuse, and near physical abuse - all of which I'm trying to come to terms with.

The only thing that is really holding me back is that I am now at severe guilt stage, whereby after years of inconsistent behaviour my DH is now willing to do 'anything' to keep me. I don't hate him, but really don't think the relationship is a progressive one that is good for me. I'm on the fence - will he change? do I want to hang around and wait to see? is he aware of what he's doing? is this last ditched attempt on his part to save everything just another stage of his abuse cycle?

I have asked for a temporary break, but he is not taking it well and refuses. I don't know whether I'm about to throw away the best chance of true love I've ever had, or if I'm in the firm grip of a control freak, who won't let me go. It'd fucking with my head!!!

TBH the negative points you raise are awful, However I do think that if you keep a positive head they are issues that can be overcome.

Having said that I AM frightened that this is just adverse bravado and that if it doesn happen I'll feel lonely very quickly - hence this thread! I need to know it might not, and the other MNers are helping.

Sorry to point out the obvious, Polaris, but someone who refuses to agree to a temporary break, is NOT someone who is prepared to do 'anything'.

If he really was prepared to do 'anything' that would include giving you a breathing space and a bit of thinking time...

Have you tried Relate?

Polaris now you have said more about your reasonas for wanting out of the relationship it shed a far different light on things.

And what woolly says above is also what I was thinking.

It is scary to leave. But as I said above it is far better to be single than be in an miserable relationship. And that goes a million times more for an abusive relationship.

I got the impression from your responses to people that you were over the moon to hear it would all be well and dandy. Please please don't think it will be plain sailing. It has challanges for sure, but they don't come anything close to living in an abusive relationship.
And nothing you come across as a lone parent will be so tough that it is better to go back to that abusive relationship, that's for sure!

I left an EA relationship a year ago today. Whilst there have been challenges....my life is fundamentally easier and happier.

Polaris I clung on to my marriage long after I should have, he left last Christmas. I never knew I would LOVE life thereafter heres a few whys I know its been done on here before but...

Cook or not as I please and when I do whatever the dc and I fancy - beans on toast anyone ?

Music on when we want , what we like

Nobody to speak to me rudely

Nobody to take the piss all day in the name of banter

No football. Ever.

No stinking alcohol ridden prat crashing through the door several times a week

Last minute invite ? Why not.

Scented candles

Not feeling like a thick chav because I watch Come Dine With Me et al

No long tedious monologues about the shortcomings of every other driver on the planet

No listening to the world and his brother being talked about cynically and nastily

No toe nail pickings to hoover up

No puddles at the toilet base

Shall I stop Polaris ? Go for it

WherecanIhide - I have more money than when I was in a relationship because I don't have a partner spending all our £££££ on nights out (including loosing money whilst out), cigarettes, alcohol, strip clubs, gambling, eating out daily, girls, mates, awful newspapers and porn. I work full-time, I don't earn loads (or get a penny of maintenance)but what I earn is mine and my daughters and is no longer wasted on things I think of as being a complete and utter waste of money.

When my ex moved out the big black cloud went with him and I could breath again. I can't understand why anyone would stay in a horrible relationship if they had the option to get out.

I'm happily single, have been for years (even when I was married, iyswim). For me there didn't seem to be any alternative at the time, and over the years it has become much easier - though it was hellish at the time. I don't want another relationship.

However, my children would have liked to have had both parents at home, and they have suffered a lot. I feel dreadful about that, and know that I have deprived them and their father of something so precious.

So my advice to you would be to bear in mind that one day your children will call you to account for the decisions you are making now, so make sure that you decide in their best interests first, and then in your own. Then you won't feel guilty later.

Good luck.

I'm happily single, I love it, I make the rules and I stick to them, I don't have to consult anyone else I make the decisions!

I am happy and a positive role model for my dd.

My only advise id be strong, have faith in yourself and sort out the practicalities to make the tranision and seperation of straight forward as poss. Good luck XxX

Mellow - hopefully they will be calling both parents to account (not sure I think they will) and not just the mum.

I don't feel my DD has suffered any more than she would have done by seeing her parents unhappy, or by seeing one partner being bullied and abused by the other.

Yes, Woolly, they do hold both to account, and they make up their own mind.

And you're right - sometimes it's better for them for the parents to split. Every situation is different, isn't it? Clearly you have made the right decision, and your kids will thank you for it later.

I just know (thirty years on) how important it is to me that my kids understand that I had their best interests at heart and always have done.

So I just mentioned it because it's not something I thought about at the time.

Another one who left an abusive relationship. My ex also said he would do anything etc. and it just got worse.

Being single, lonely and broke is better than that. But I'm none of those things. I'm happier, better off, have more free time and a better social life than ever before.

I haven't met anyone since I left 18 months ago, but that in a way is the least of it. Remembering who I am is really enjoyable.

Oh, and DD (6) is just so much happier and more confident and relaxed than before.

Very happy single mum here too.
I don't have to negotiate or compromise on anything which makes life so much easier. Being a hugely old fart these days I have come to the realisation that relationships really are overrated - especially when they are a bit crap.

Yes I forgot that one yet it should be top of the list - rediscovering me rather than being Mrs Gettingeasier

Yet another happy single mum here. Though my situation is slightly different as DS dad was not my partner when DS was concieved, he was a drinking buddy and ocasional FWB - we have a very amicable co-parent relationship. But I really don't want a partner. I like a lot of time on my own and occasional casual sex (which I can go and get when I feel like it).
And being single is always better than being with an abusive or inadequate partner.

Single for 4 years now, just me and my 15 year old son. I was so scared at first having been a couple for 12 years.
But now I can't imagine ever wanting a man in my life. Certainly not anyone living with me. It is MY house, as a poster said above we eat when we want, I have the remote and can watch what I want, I can buy stuff I want (within reason because I'm skint), but I'm not answerable to anybody.
And I have a very close relationship with my son, though he does see his dad regularly.
Whats not to like?

Another one to add to the list. Been single now for several years and get happier with every passing year.

Free, independent, in control. What's not to like? Yes, I have less money, but I have more of what matters. I am more 'myself' than I have been for years. And my happiness and confidence has meant that I've actually been able to build a decent relationship with xh for the sake of our son. Ds has a fab relationship with both of us.

Yes!

I'm yet another happily single mum. Marriage was a disaster (2nd), abusive in every way possible. Left him, then fell into a couple of relationships along the way, neither of which was good and have now been single for 6 months and can honestly say I am happier now than I've been for years. I love the freedom, the space, the calm...kids are happy and settled. It's a good life. Not that I don't get the odd pang of loneliness but I was more lonely in the relationships I was in.
I'm not against being in a relationship in the future but I'm not actively looking for it. My friend has put me on my single best friend and I tried match.com (because of her constant nagging) but deleted my accounts on both as it's not what I want.
Another man in my house would drive me mad!!!

You aren't the only one. I have spent many years dreaming of finding the one true love of my life, the man who can make my life complete. It took me till my 33rd year to realise he doesn't exist, and that I am actually much happier on my own.

SInce my ex dumped m and dd by e mail 3 yrs ago I managed to move 300 miles buy my own house get a job (x 3) own car and am very happily single - the dating internet is full of plonkers in my experience either after one thing or a bit of eye candy as they look like your grandad! - so I havent bothered and am totally happy - I have good days and bad days - usually attributed to my daughters behaviour and at times wish I could just have a day off but I dont I just get on with life you can do it on your own - its not easy but so rewarding in so many ways.

Take care

I think you are going to be just fine, in fact better than that, without him. As you say you have a business, friends and a social life you can build on. Congratulations for not staying where you are not happy (or not as happy you can be)

I loved being single, but after 10 years and losing my friends I feel really isolated and alone. But, I do not think that has anything to do with having, or not having, a man. Keep your friends and grow your business and I believe success in all areas of your life will come your way :)

Another happily-single and happy-to-be-single mum here.

My relationship fell apart five years ago, when I was pregnant with DD. So I've been a lone parent from the beginning. And aside from actually getting me pregnant, dumping me was the best thing my XP ever did for me. I was medicated for depression for significant periods during our relationship, but since he walked out I haven't looked back. I enjoy being single and although I would never rule out having another relationship I'm not actively looking. I love my independence.