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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can I force ex to be more helpful?

20 replies

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 13:55

Hi,

I organised a holiday which would be facilitated by my ex looking after our DS. The trip is to see my parents and go skiing which wouldn't suit DS. (3 yrs)

My ex almost agreed at Christmas time, as in he said; he would if he was free.

Since he doesn't work I went ahead and booked the flights.

He had DS on certain days of the week anyway so technically if I dropped him off I could get away with my holiday...

The problem is I guess this is unethical, not fair on DS and not really fair on my ex if he is telling me he wont.

He is telling me he wont look after DS on my holiday for the same reason he wont look after DS during the weekend, because he doesn't want to help me to go out and socialise and also to punish me for moving on and dating and having a bf.

My family don't understand but my plan is basically to change the flights and travel to see my family with my DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 13:57

After I'd dropped him off I wouldn't be returning to the country for 5 days so I'd leave my ex in charge of dropping DS off at, and picking him up from nursery.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 16/02/2011 14:00

If your ex resents looking after his child so much, I wouldn't be sending him at all. It can't be healthy for the child if he is part of his father's game plan.

Take your child on holiday and then try to formalise access arrangements properly so he is not taking the piss.

coldtits · 16/02/2011 14:02

Your child is at a high risk of neglect being left with someone who doesn't want him.

BringOnTheGoat · 16/02/2011 14:09

No - you can't. You can't make anyone do what you want them too. It's crap and he sounds like a selfish father but you can't change people. I would be angry with DD's father but would not leave her with him in this situation.

BringOnTheGoat · 16/02/2011 14:10

*to

Original poster

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 14:20

Yes fair point.

I didn't think much of his childcare previously but now he only has 2 days he always tells me he has been somewhere worthwhile.

I don't really think he would be at risk of neglect it is purely me he wants to punish. But yep I'll not force it.

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Original poster

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 18:48

Oh God. After receiving loads of emails from my ex about him having spies who watch me and see me with my bf I went and confronted a local shopkeeper. He may just be a friendly shopkeeper and I asked him if he is talking to my ex. I made him blush and I was probably sounding like a paranoid loon. Oh God, oh no. I basically told him if he is, he is not helping me and then, with my already crying toddler I burst into tears and left the shop. Oh no. I think I need to move house...

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Original poster

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 20:00

I am not coping well tonight and this shopkeeper thing was right after being stopped in the street by a total stranger who, totally unbelieveably, told me to stop my toddler from crying because it could hurt his throat! I can't believe it and I'm so

DS was crying because the pushchair was not there when we left nursery and possibly also because he heard another child crying, and additionally because he wanted the toilet so we were running home.

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ladydeedy · 16/02/2011 20:40

you are the main carer and need to ensure that you make appropriate arrangements for your child which are AGREED. if your ex does not want the child and wont agree then it is up to you to find an alternative solution. Dumping a child is neglect (by you, not him). Dont try and "get away" with a holiday.

evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 20:56

I think that booking flights in the first place for a trip that you are not going to take your son on, but have no one committed to looking after him in your absence is shocking!

Original poster

HystericalMe · 16/02/2011 21:22

Booking flight tickets does not mean I have to get on the flight!

I have to deal with his lack of commitment all the time.

He says he 'probably' will see DS on a weekday and actually he usually stands by this.

If he were to pull out I'd not get to work.

Sometimes he leaves me knocking on the door for up to half an hour while he decides whether or not to let us in.

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evolucy7 · 16/02/2011 21:37

But you've posted on here complaining about the fact that you've booked the holiday and now your ex won't look after your DS haven't you?
I think this is the reality for many lone parents, I don't think that you can be 'relying' on him for childcare if he is not 'reliable' as you are saying.
Why don't you actually set up days and times and stick by it? If he wants to play games at the door, just go away again.

theredhen · 16/02/2011 21:42

I feel for you but I think you really need to accept that this man is not going to help you with childcare. You either have to make alternative plans or if this is not possible, cut out the socialising. No, it's not fair, but it's what so many of us have had to do.

Original poster

HystericalMe · 17/02/2011 00:05

Its cut!

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StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 00:12

Actually you need to work on making childcare arrangements that don't involve your XP because it might even annoy the fucker enough (to see you having a social life) to make him stop being so childish and concentrate on building a good relationship with his DS. If you can afford holidays, you can afford to pay a babysitter now and again so you can go out - and are you eligible to have childcare for when you work assisted by tax credits?
The way to deal with a man who is trying to punish and control you is to put yourself in a position where it doesn't matter what he does. So if he is likely to dick around WRT looking after DS, don't depend on him. If the man then proceeds to harass you, take legal action against him. He is not entitled to control you, or punish you and can legally be prevented from harassing you.

SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 09:06

evolucy The woman works if he doesnt answer thedoor how can she just 'go away again' who would have the children?

evolucy7 · 17/02/2011 12:27

As I said she needs to make 'reliable' childcare arrangements for her DS, if ex is not reliable, then she needs to make alternative arrangements. Many lone parents face this issue daily, working and arranging childcare.

ladydeedy · 17/02/2011 18:55

yes indeed, there are other alternatives. they dont have to be with the other parent. Especially if proved unreliable till now. make arrangements with someone who is reliable - it's all about the best interests of the child.

AllDirections · 18/02/2011 13:51

Just for the record, a child cannot be 'dumped' with the other parent since that parent has just as much responsibility for that child.

You are not neglecting your child by leaving her with her father unless he is an unfit parent.

Original poster

HystericalMe · 19/02/2011 12:34

Thanks AllDirections. It is definitely in the best interests of DS to spend time with his Dad if not with me or at nursery. However... he is now not going to see his Dad this week.

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