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Lone parents

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Original poster

WWYD going back or start over

16 replies

boxingHelena · 16/02/2011 11:26

After living away for a good few years I am now ready to get back to the city I love with my dc, who is about to start school.
I had to flee my home and my life was turned upside down. I could not keep in contact with mutual friends and work associates because of violent father, mentally unstable is a better word. We only had a short fling after my divorce. I wanted his involvement but very rapidly he showed he was unable to cop. DC has never met him.
I have a choice now. Go back to my own property, to an area where I still have my best friends and know very well, with good schools around and plenty of things to do with kids but leave in fear of that person turning up at my door (this is 100% bond to happen as he doesn't live that far away) or move to a completely different area.
If I moved to a new area I will choose somewhere I have never lived before, I will be far away from all my friends and also will have to commute for work while dc is at school. Still I will have peace of mind.
Of course I am keen to start afresh but I am concerned with the "logistics".
WWYD?

OP posts:
nixnjj · 16/02/2011 11:57

I don't have any answers but I am in the same position. Left everything due to DV including a job I adored and good friends. I now find myself in a position where I can't find work and have no support, something that I've discovered would be a godsend. I am planning on spending half term back in my old area, mainly so I can get some rest but I am worrying about bumping into ex.

gillybean2 · 16/02/2011 13:58

I think what you need to ask yourself is which of these options is better for you and your child in the long term:

  1. To be in a familiar city where you are scared, constantly looking over your shoulder, and limited in which of your friends you can see or talk too just in case your ex hears about it. Yes it may have good schools and your best friend near by, but what happens if you end up having to move home/school should your ex start causing issues. If your dc is 10mins late home from school will you start to panic...

Or would you feel happier...
2) To be somewhere you can feel safe in your own home and know your child is safe on his way to and from school, at the park etc. Where you can make new friends and find a job without having to wonder if they have links to your ex or if he will turn up when you are out socially or at work.

If you are going to be moving anyway then things like good schools etc can be considered in your choice of where to move too. And you've managed to maintain friendships despite living away for several years. So that seems likely to continue.

Plus you've managed to make a life for you and your dc in a new place despite arriving there is difficult circumstances. So you know you can do it again.

I can see the appeal of a familiar place and your best friend near by.

Maybe write a list of the pros and cons of each decision and then weigh them up. If one or other has significantly more pros or cons then that may help you choose.

Original poster
boxingHelena · 17/02/2011 10:35

sorry could not log back on yesterday
thank you GB
The list is easily done, if I ask myself the question would you move back home if that person was living on mars the answer is loud and clear. I would like to find out what he is up, not sure I can get my ex solicitor to run a check. (does anybody know about this kind of thing? should I post in Legal?) He may be locked up (if he carried on the way he was, or - hopefully - got treated and be ok now who knows sometime miracles happen)
What you write Plus you've managed to make a life for you and your dc in a new place despite arriving there is difficult circumstances. So you know you can do it again.
does strike a chord.
I know I have done it, but I feel so tired and worried about being lonely again, not having a place I can go home, having to start once more again. Not sure I have the strength. What if I get ill, very worried about that :-(
What if everybody will be so busy with their life to have any time to make friend with me.... what if my dc will not be able to get by in such a new environment.
Will you (MNetter help me in this massive transiction? Appeal)

OP posts:
Original poster
boxingHelena · 17/02/2011 10:36

nixnjj I feel your pain. I know how it is like. It will be very good for you to go and spend some time on the ''crime scene''. This is something I have done myself. Something I had to do because I was living in fear even though I was very far away. Fear has been a central issue for too long in my life. At the beginning I was ruled by it and if I think about the things I did or rather I did not do because of it I can honestly said I did myself no favour. You will be careful but you will be ok. I do not know if you have already been ''there''. The first attempt I made I nearly had a panic attack, worked myself in a state and as a result I walk away taking wrong turning and ending up going in the opposite direction of a tube or bus stop. Me, my friend and my son walked extra miles just because I could not think straight. But did go back the following day and go into my old home and had a cuppa with people living there. It was ok. I did that a few time, before going back to where we live know. I would not call it an holiday but it did me good. Nothing happened. People around me where oblivious to my internal turmoil. This was the first step in getting where I am now.
Still you will have to be objective as much as you can about the risks you are taking. Perception of risk is not the same of actual risk. I tell myself that even if I now feel ''ready'' it doesn't mean I am any safer than I was years ago when I felt completely lost and hopeless. So caution is key!

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 11:38

If you move back to your old home you might be able to get an order in place to keep this dickhead away from you even before he reappears: consult WA or a solicitor. You will certainly be able to get a court order against him if he does start to harass you.
Have you previously had to involve the police to keep this man away or have him removed from your home? If so there will be a record of his abusive behaviour which may help in getting some sort of defensive order against him.
(I am not sure how this works but harassment and violence are crimes and people are not allowed just to pop up and start plaguing their XPs).

Original poster
boxingHelena · 17/02/2011 11:49

Yes I have records. But he has done nothing for a long time and the the second year running of the MO has expired, so I am not sure I cannot take any injunction against him. I have a feeling it would be seen a persecution on my side. My solicitor discovered at the time he had already other records/legal proceeding (GBH on women that were not partners, apparently) He is was not well. I was lucky that I never shared much with him, well, apart from the obvious Sad
I feel that if I go back ''there'' I am looking for troubles. At the same time my life has been already affected by this one incident for so long now

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 12:14

It is possible that he won't bother you: this is perhaps a horrible way to think but it sounds like he is a serial abuser and will therefore have moved on to abusing someone else and lost interest in you. However if he does reappear or give any indication that he still feels inclined to harass you, it shouldnt' be too big a problem to get the orders reactivated on the grounds that he's started up again.

nixnjj · 17/02/2011 16:14

I agree with the serial abuser comment, last I heard my ex had another child with a much younger woman and was seen beating her whilst she was pushing the pram. My fear is opening a can of worms so to speak. He wouldn't know my son if he past him in the street and I am not planning on going out whilst over there, need to get as much rest as possible so my friend will be taking DS out and about.

It just annoyes me that the person being abused is the one that normally has to flee leaving everything behind whilst the abuser normally get a slap on the wrist. I've seen 2 stories this week where violent partners have killed wives and children. I think there needs to be some big changes in the way DV is dealt with.

Sorry feeling really ill atm so might not be making much sense.

Original poster
boxingHelena · 17/02/2011 21:03

my fear is opening a can of worms
my one too
And just reading your comments makes me question whether I should just leave things the way they are. It is a quite life, but very lonely, no other single mothers around, no men that are openminded enough to consider even going out with me, total lack of a support network and very low paid work. I thought I could make do but I am getting very depressed. DC is growing still needs me but I can see how quickly time goes, than what?

OP posts:
Original poster
boxingHelena · 18/02/2011 11:01

No one? I know there are many women on here who had to start over again and again....

OP posts:
Original poster
boxingHelena · 24/02/2011 21:11

I need to bump, sorry
Maybe it was not clear I was still asking for help, but I am pretty much. I feel really numb at the moment as time is ticking by and re-location is getting closer. SO much to sort out.
All of the sudden I feel why on earth I am going to move again.
Between option 1) and 2) as outlined by GellyBean I have no doubts no it has to be 2)
I am now questioning the the whole thing. My dc is happy where we are, I got dc enrolled in a great school (had to be done by 15th anyway) I do have a social life but it only evolves around children and mums. Nothing that I find stimulating, no chance of getting back into studying or training. Work is very slow, boring and badly paid. I have managed to sell my flat. I thought I would be over the moon as the equity can tie me over while everything else is going to get sorted.
I am not over the moon quite the opposite, since the exchange I have felt ''homeless", like I have no choice now but to take steps I am unsure about. I cannot tell if it fear or exhaustion, or the result of prolonged stress.
I dread the idea that it will be ages till we are settle again. So why am I doing it?
The choice is between staying put and keep getting by and waiting for a miracle or really give it my best shot even if it can turn out to be the most glorious failure of my life....
Hope what I have written is making sense. Feel very low right now Sad

OP posts:
Jellykat · 28/02/2011 23:12

I moved 7 years ago,away from my dearest friends..to escape DS2s dad.I know it was the best thing i ever did, because i actually developed OCD and was having a breakdown due to the stress that he put me through.

I haven't really made any good new friends and feel so lonely,my old friends and i have slowly grown apart (they're all happily married and i am a LP)and i would never ever go back..Besides- too many bad memories and DS is settled at school.

Just a suggestion-I wonder if like me, you could think about the possibility of moving to a different part of your area, as a sort of compromise,thus keeping DS at his school? I am also investigating traveling a lot further for part time work etc.. (but my DS is 13 now, so getting a bit more independent)

Bumping for you for any other advice.

fluffybunny5353 · 01/03/2011 12:19

i had this prob 3 years ago and i moved to a very little village were i new no one its been really hard and i am the only LP around here so it is lonely but at least i dont have to hide in my house with the curttins shut , i have made friends with some of the mums in the play ground and go round to others for coffee in the day , how old is your little one , try taking her to groups where you can met other mums . i am new to this mumsnet but is there a way to meet up with other mums on here near you . i am in somerset if that helps

Original poster
boxingHelena · 01/03/2011 22:05

thank you for your thoughts
Fluffy, my dc is school age, move is now or never
Are you thinking of your move as permanent ie never to go back?
I have always felt that if I knew for sure he moved down under (wishing him all the best) I would have been back home in a shot.
It is only that fear to hold me back and the idea that I may gain something but loose peace is devastating

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 01/03/2011 22:19

Could you contact a trusted old friend and make some discreet enquiries?

Original poster
boxingHelena · 21/03/2011 11:07

I have now made app with solicitor who dealt with the case. Hopefully they can run a check if things have been quiet on that front. Hopefully....

OP posts:
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