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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

bad relationship or lone parent??

20 replies

indecisiveandtired · 16/02/2011 10:10

Hi,

I could really do with a reality check from single mum's about what to do for the best. My little one is a few months old and I'm on maternity leave. Her dad and I aren't married but have joint PR.

At the minute our relationship is dire, he does virtually nothing to support me or help out with our DS. He's just carried on spending his evenings drinking and playing computer games while I do bath times, bed time and dream feeds [DS is combination fed]. He bites my head off over any little thing and trips out on the weekend normally end with him in a foul mood about something and me upset as the day is ruined.

I already feel a bit like a single parent, so am thinking why not just do it? My family are great, and if I moved near them they would help out a lot. My work are flexible on hours and I'm on a decent salary.

So is the grass greener or is this just the difficult first few months that I just need to get through?!

[sorry that was a bit long]

OP posts:

VioletV · 16/02/2011 10:40

Sorry to hear you're left like a single parent!. I'd prob go myself it may give him the kick up the arse he needs.

I'd have prefered if my ex had waited until my baby was born before walking but then that's just me..

gillybean2 · 16/02/2011 10:47

Well clearly things can't stay as they are.

Seems the alternatives are you separate or you both seek help to fix your relationship.

If the issues (as they seem to me from the little you've said) is that you've changed your pririties now you are a parent while he hasn't and you aren't sharing in childcare then, as a lone parent I would suggest that trying to fix it first may be a better solution.
Will be agree to mediation? Or is he of the opinion that things are fine by him and therefore they must be fine for you too depite you saying otherwise (as my ex finace admited thinking after I finally left)

Original poster

indecisiveandtired · 16/02/2011 11:21

Thank you for replying.

Um, we had counseling a few years ago and he walked out after the second session [in fairness she was rubbish] so I can't see him agreeing to do it again.

I've actually left before [pre DS] for a few months and it was really tough on me, him, my family so I wouldn't do it in the hope of things changing - it would have to be for good.

I have told him that I'm unhappy and he bucked his ideas up for a week or two and then regressed. He probably does think it's fine though because I love being a mum and enjoy looking after DS. Just sometimes I need a break, and he won't help even if I ask for it. I just feel this is only going to go downhill, when I go back to work particularly.

The last straw for me was him saying 'he can't be arsed' to do something that was really important to me and would make all the difference to me and DS while I'm on ML. I just feel like why should I be arsed trying then?

Obv our relationship isn't great generally or I wouldn't be thinking about it!

So, I think I just need to understand how much harder it would be on my own? My mum was a single parent with 2 DCs for a while and I remember how hard she found it. But she also says she wished she'd left my dad a lot earlier.

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 16/02/2011 11:33

if you are doing the lions share of everything anyway you prob wouldn't notice a great deal of difference, i know that i haven't since i split for exh, as far as finances go it is a bit harder but not that much (as ex drained the account on a regular basis) there are tax credits out there of those that need it, it sounds as if he is having real trouble in adjusting to having a baby, this seems to be a common factor for alot men mentioned on here, in my experience my ex got no better during the whole time he was married to me, and 13 years later i was still doing everything for my kids despite loads of talks, and rows, about it over the years, in fact my ex is doing more with his kids now he has them once a week than he ever did when we all lived together, my advice would be to continue trying to talk to him about how you feel, maybe counselling if you can get him to go, (my ex point blankly refused to even discuss it ) and see how it pans out for a bit, and then if you still feel the same in a few months? and you feel you have to go your separate ways aleast you know you gave it your best shot,

superv1xen · 16/02/2011 11:50

OP do you know what, i was in a similar situation to you when my DS was a few months old, my ex was a complete waste of space, lazy, selfish, childish, never did anything round the house or helped with DS. i split up with him and its the best thing i ever did.

i was so much happier on my own, only having one baby to look after lol :)

and best of all i met my now DH a few months after i left and we are very happy, he loves DS who is now 4 like his own and we also have a baby DD together :)

go for it, if you're not happy, get out, its best to do it when DC are tiny as they won't remember any different.

let us know what you decide.x

jaffacake79 · 16/02/2011 11:55

It sounds as if you currently have two children to care for, but only one of them is actually a baby!
It all depends on the willingness of you both to help one another, but him saying he couldn't be arsed to do something for you would have resulted in the mother of all rows in our house!
I'd suggest sitting down with him when your baby's asleep and have a good chat, explain how you're feeling but don't do it in an accusatory way. Say how you need things to be and that you're feeling that the relationship simply can't go on if things don't change. He then has the choice to help out or not.

It IS hard being a single Mum, but you know what? I enjoyed every single minute of it. Everything I achieved I know I did on my own and it makes me prouder of my accomplishments.

superv1xen · 16/02/2011 11:57

yes, my feelings exactly jaffacake

gillybean2 · 16/02/2011 13:21

If he won't go to councelling you should go on your own anyway. It may help clarify in your mind where the issues are and if they can be fixed. Explain to the councellor that he walked out last time and you need someone who is experienced.
If he's not willing to go then that says a lot about how much he is prepared to do to fix things...

2dogs1baby · 16/02/2011 22:31

You sound like me at the beginning of December.

I left. It's not been great but I'm getting on my feet - lived at my mums over Christmas & moving into my own place in a few weeks.

I did everything like you & my EP went out etc & didn't care just the same.

100% I made the right decision. I am happier than I have been in years. I have bad days, but in general I am so proud of myself for leaving & expecting better.

You and your DS deserve better xxxx

taokiddy · 16/02/2011 22:33

Lone parent. Just you and the kids and the world is your oyster :)

2dogs1baby · 16/02/2011 22:36

Oh and my DD is nearly 5months - it certainly isnt impossible bringing up a little one alone if u have a supportive family x

gettingeasier · 16/02/2011 22:54

Didnt want it but now I am an LP its great

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 00:15

It's much better to be single than in a relationship with a tosser. If you get rid of this man you will still be doing all the housework and childcare, but you won't have that added layer of bitter resentment that the other adult in the house is not so much an extra pair of hands to share the work with, but a source of extra work who expects you to service him just because he has a penis.

SparkleSoiree · 17/02/2011 00:18

Lone parent. That way you don't EXPECT any support or help from anyone and after very quickly settling into a lovely, quieter, less stressful, more comforting life you realise you would not go back for anything. If you don't expect it you don't get stressed when it fails to transpire.

I'm sorry you are in this position because I know contemplating a lone parent road is quite scary at first.

Good luck.

Original poster

indecisiveandtired · 17/02/2011 02:56

Thanks everyone, I think I just needed to know that I wouldn't be leaving a bad situation for something worse - which doesn't sound like the case for most people here!

The times when it is just DS and me do seem a lot easier which really says a lot!!

It's not a decision I need to make today, so I think I'm going to give myself / him till the end of April and if things are no better i'll be off.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

indecisiveandtired · 17/02/2011 02:59

oh and 2dogs1baby - what did you do with the dogs?! did you have them when you split and did you take them with you?

(apologies if it's a random nickname with no basis in rl!)

OP posts:

2dogs1baby · 17/02/2011 07:13

He's kept the dogs :( which I am really sad about & miss them lots. One is my dog that we got when I was pregnant but we don't really want to split them up. If my eXP ever wants to get rid of them I will definitely take them though. But, not worth staying in a awful environment just for some dogs!

I had a time limit - until after Christmas (from November) but only lasted until the start of December. One drunken night too many despite my pleading for him not to go.

Good luck with your decision. It gets easier, trust me x

thumbwitch · 17/02/2011 14:25

Sounds as though you've already really made your decision but I would say get out - if he's this bad now, I doubt he's going to improve any, and tbh you don't want to be looking after 2 toddlers at once - the real one and the man-one, it will drive you up the wall far more than things do now.

Although he just sounds like an idle selfish arse, it might be worth reading the recent thread on gaslighting in Relationships - not because that is what is happening here, but several people have commented on their parent's behaviour affecting their childhood and subsequent lives so negatively.

If he doesn't treat you with love and respect now, when you have just produced a baby that is half his, he's never going to - and children don't need to grow up in that kind of atmosphere.
Not only will it screw with your DS's head if his Dad continues to be indifferent to his needs, it will set a very bad example of how to treat your partner and mother of your children - something I'm sure you wouldn't want your DS to carry on as an adult.

I think you'll feel a great sense of relief when you lose this bloke from your home.

Katyathegringa · 17/02/2011 16:55

Hi, just to say that I could have written your post myself; my soon to be ex husband and I split for good this last Saturday and I am in the process of sorting out the practicalities.

We also went through a few occasions of separating (i.e. he would leave for a few days) only for us to get back together again, predominantly for the sake of our DD. This time the shit really hit the fan and as well as being useless with the day to day stuff, spending all the (small amount of) income we had and spending half his life either drunk or stoned he started getting a bit handy (not hitting but grabbing and pushing).

What I have now realised is that although it will be difficult, no doubt about, it won't be as bad as if he stayed - I mean I (and you as well by the sound of it) do virtually everything anyway, and one less child to look after can only be a good thing :)

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 17/02/2011 17:08

To be honest OP, taking your partner's attitude and behaviour into consideration along with the way it all makes you feel ("upset"), you'll probably find it easier as a lone parent than you find it now.

Can you really last until the end of April? It's over 2 months away. You don't say how long you've been together but your DS is a few months old so you've had several months to see if things will change and they haven't. I hope you make the right decision.

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