Please Share you Access Arrangements

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I have recently split up with my daughter's dad and I am trying to figure out what is a reasonable amount access.

I understand that it varies from family to family. I just want to be fair to my dd (5) and her dad, but also to myself as I would also like some weekends and evenings where I'm not just 'cooking, cleaning, school uniform ironing' Mummy while her dad gets to be 'fun Dad' all the time.

Currently her Dad is living a fair way away and sees her one evening a week. He picks her up from school,they go out for tea and then he puts her to bed at home (mine). Then he also has her on a Saturday. They video call or phone every evening too.

When he moves closer he would like to see her more. He doesn't have her overnight due to other things that have gone on (not abusive or anything) but I don't really know how much more is reasonable. I am actually happy as things are tbh.

She has activities two nights a week and I work night shifts two nights a week also.

Please share your imaginative access arrangements with me for inspiration. On a week by week basis what do you do?

Any tips on birthday and Christmas arrangements welcome also!

It is all such a nightmare!

No one solution fits. So what others do may not suit your situation.

Look here for andice on what things to consider, the parenting plans section may be the place to start

www.spig.clara.net/

My DS goes to my XP every Friday night til Sunday teatime.XP's GF hates it but XP has been doing that since she was born. Most weekends she's offloaded on the second night to Nanas house though (which she prefers)
He also collects her from school when I work a late night and gives her some dinner.

We are quite flexible if one of us need a free weekend to to do something or include DS in family celebrations but still have arguments if one of us feels a favour is being called too often.

Christmas and New Year we just ask her what she wants to do first. Usually she wants to see us both so we try to divide things up as best we can. This year we had her Christmas Day but she went to XPs in the evening and stopped over to be collected at noon on Boxing Day. We live 15 mins drive apart so can keep things very flexible.

TBH the biggest spanner in the works can be the GF as she doesnt have a cordial relationship with her DC's father and cant understand the lengths me and XP go to to keep things good for DS.

By contrast my eldest two havent seen their father for years. I was determined not to make the same mistakes with youngest DS.

This probably shows that every arrangment will be different so I hope you manage to keep things on good terms as it sounds like you are both doing a good job so far and your daughter must be very happy to see Dad so often. Bear in mind that circumstances change and you will have to find a way through.

I believe that both parents should spend quality time with their child, this should be split week by week, giving free time to both parents & allowing both parents to plan time so that you are not doing chores when you could be spending some good time with your child. I understand that there should be a main parent, however this should not mean that either parent misses out on their child growing up

XH comes here one day per week and sees DD from 10.30am to 7pm (when he puts her to bed) - occassionally XH comes twice - usually an extra afternoon till bedtime. I am either out or upstairs, watching some TV/DVD's - although we have a few dinners together with DD - we are trying to keep it friendly but it's not always working!

We aslo try to help each other out, sometimes he leaves early (6pm) to go to football or stay late so I can go for drinks or to aerobics. It is early days though and DD is only 15mo. Eventually he will have her overnight - am DREADING it!

Thanks for your replies everyone,they are much appreciated. Please keep them coming.

My exh used to have our dc every other weekend Saturday morning until Sunday tea time. Though HE was very sporadic.

Now my dc and I live overseas so it is a completely different circumstance, and the exh has dc for 5 weeks a year in school leave. Well, that is the theory. He actually leaves our dc with his gf or gp's instead.

2 hours a month. It's fucking ridiculous unsatisfactory for both DS and I but I can't make my XP do any more

Supposed to be 6pm on Fri to 6pm on Sunday every other weekend. The reality is usually Saturday at 10am to 7pm on Sunday, which I grit my teeth and bite my tongue about because at least he is seeing him. A couple of extra days at Christmas is a possibility too for him.

DP has access from 3pm Fri to 9am Mon every other weekend and Tues 3pm - Weds 9am every other week and over half of the school holidays.

As others have said, one size doesnt fit all. What I personally think that is both parents have a standard mon-fri 9-5 work pattern and live close by then there should be no reason for care not to be split equally.

If this can't happen in the week then at least an 'every other weekend' situation should happen. I have never understood when the child goes to their non resident parent every weekend as I don't see whent he quality time with the resident parent happens.

It usually ends up that the resident parent does al lthe nittygritty boring stuff and the non resident parent does all the fun (albeit expensive) entertaining stuff. I dont think it makes for a healthy relationship with either parent.

I suppose a varient of this is when the child is a baby or not yet attending school and the resident parent doesnt work. i.e. that parent spends all day with the child in the week and the non resident spends time at the weekend.

Although, I don't think that's fair on the non resident parent as they are never not working or caring for a child and I think resentment will build. Especially when they meet a new partner.

It's a toughy! 'what is best for the children' isn't always black and white is it??!!

But I think an equal amount of time with mum and dad (and I mean 'time' as in awake-time-not-at-school, not number-of-nights) is the best usually. as it means both parents get qualioty time with the child and also rest time to recouperate and make sure they are the best they can be for when the child is there.

redhen we do the same as you and it works out at 1/3rds of the time with dad and 2/3rds with mum. It works for us although i think for DD a more 50/50 would be better as she and i defineitly have the closer relationship and I feel that a close relationship with your dad is important.
Atleast though with the alternate weekends they get 'quality time' (icky phrase) with mum and dad.

Thank you everyone. Your replies are really helpful to me.

Hi,

my SS goes to his mum's most weeks for Fri eve, picked up from school then collected at teatime. There are also some full weekends either at his mum's or at home (these are important for seeing other rellies or doing more special things) and then school hols are shared.

Sorry, first sentence should have read picked up from school, then collected SAT teatime, so one overnight on normal week