Don't know what to do

[PepperMoonchild]

Exh just been round, he quite often comes round to bath ds at mine as he can't see him at his own flat. I have been very insistent on him being involved, I really wanted him to be a good dad to ds.
He's had anger issues in the past but only really when drunk. He wasn't drunk today.
He started on about minorities having it easy and how oppressed he is I've heard it all before and am no longer interested in hearing it again or my son hearing it. (he is only 10mo) I told him he was talking crap and he stormed upstairs carrying my son, I was worried about him carrying ds like that. He told me to fuck off as he was walking up the stairs, I told him to bring ds down and leave. He comes banging down real scaring me as he has ds in his arms, hands him to me and tells me that 'I'm going to fucking thump you one of these days you horrible cunt'. I tell him to leave again and go upstairs with ds, I hear him saying all these horrible things he's going to do and calling me bitch cunt etc, I am very relieved that he leaves.

Now don't know what to do when he comes back, it won't be tonight but maybe tomorrow or the next day. My first reaction was he can't come into my house any more, he can't see ds again until he has anger management and he has to find somewhere safe to see ds. However I know he won't do that. He will not see ds and just make my life in this small town a living hell. I want him to be a dad, but I can't have ds growing up hearing things like that.

Christ I don't know what to do, just ant to sit and cry.

you're going to have to nip this in the bud....your home should be a safe placemdont let him in again. he will ave to make alternate arrangements.....youcant force him to be a 'dad'

I suggest you keep a record of incidents (dates, times and what happened) and then see a solicitor, or if he gets violent, then the police.
Good luck and stay strong

Oh Peppermoonchild, I totally understand! I finally made the move last week of TOTALLY banning ex from anywhere near my home! We've been seperated for one and a half years and even though its been on and off similar to your situation, I kept thinking for the sake of 3dc and "normality" of dad coming in to look at new aquarium etc, I would put up with unexpected verbal outbursts or abuse and the nervousness that I suffered on him coming over. First I banned him popping in apart from specified days then I tried again and again to keep things neutral on visits but it didn't work and I finally realised it would never change without I totally banned him-for the sake of my happiness and that of my dc, I never want them to see me being treated/spoken to like that again. Your son is still very young but don't leave it too long.....good luck!

Please do not think you are overreacting on this. He has threatened you with violence in front of your son. This is serious and will be taken seriously by authorities. Your son's safety is the most important thing here.

Write down everything he has said, as close to word for word as you can remember it, with dates and approx times etc. I know it sounds mad/paranoid/OTT but it will help if you ever need evidence.

You absolutely cannot have him in your house again when he has threatened you like that - how dare he? I'd be wary about DS having unsupervised access as well, especially now he's revealed that this anger problem doesn't only apply when he's drunk.

So practical things - see a solicitor ASAP, you can usually get a free half hour of advice, but there is a lost somewhere online which you can search those in your area which take legal aid, in case it turns out you need more advice. Look up whether there is a contact centre near you and think about that as an option for visits. Can you get someone to be in the house with you on the day he is next due to come round, in case he kicks off when you don't let him in? The police would possibly support you on this, if you phone up the non emergency number beforehand, or go into the station, and have a chat with them. If they have a domestic violence unit with separate phone number in your area this would be the best one to phone. If they can't send someone round or you don't want to, still phone them beforehand and they should put a note on your address for that night so that if you need them you know they will come knowing the backstory already.

I know this is going to sound like a massive overreaction but it's really, really not. Your XH cannot behave like this around your son.

Thanks for all your advice, I'll be back on again tomorrow, ds is very unsettled and I feel shaky too.

Oh and please be kind to yourself :) You are doing the best thing for your DS - at least he's an EX and your DS doesn't have to witness this kind of thing all the time!

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book often recommended on here? "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" - it's worth it if you haven't.

He sent me a load of songs on facebook last night, I checked it this morning and he's also wrote 'why do you have to keep pushing me' on my wall. He wants me to say it was my fault. He'll apologise with the caveat that I pushed him to it I imagine. That's what he used to do.

I will tell him he has to go to the doctors about his temper.

I felt scared last night and that's the first time I've felt like that since we broke up, I don't want to feel like that in my own house. But if I say he can't see him here he won't see him at all as his flat is not safe. I've read on here about maybe a nasty father is better then no father at all, I don't know. I didn't think so.

I hate him for doing this, why couldn't he have gone to get help before when I begged him.

I haven't seen a solicitor before, we're separated but no divorced as I haven't found one yet. It's all such a mess and I hate having to see him, it's so painful.

When he wrote on your wall how did you reply?

Mine would have been ' Because I do that to people who say 'I'm going to fucking thump you one of these days you horrible cunt' He's playing to an audience on there - remove him.

Seriously though. You don't have to put up with feeling scared in your own house. Especially not in front of your son. Record the incidents, tell him that you are doing so, if necessary (only if you think it will not turn into another flare up), BEFORE he steps foot over your threshold.

But if I say he can't see him here he won't see him at all as his flat is not safe.

But that isn't your fault. You've given him the option to see him at your house, and HE has decided to wreck that by threatening you. He can take your DS out somewhere, or he can see him at a contact centre. In fact I STRONGLY advise you go down the contact centre route because I don't believe that a man who is threatening the mother of his child should have unsupervised contact. End of. If he refuses to see your son unless it's at your house, that is HIS decision and it is NOT your fault if you refuse. Having him in your house puts you in danger and your son in danger of witnessing violence (or even in danger of violence himself) and it is not an option. Through nobody's fault but your ex's. You have done nothing wrong - you've done MORE than most people would! I have never let my ex in my house, and he was never violent to me. You don't have to let him in, even if he threatens to stop seeing his son - that's blackmail.

I've read on here about maybe a nasty father is better then no father at all, I don't know. I didn't think so.

Really? Where on earth have you read that? :( I agree with you - if his father isn't safe then he's probably better off without his influence in his life. Your son's and your safety comes first, THEN his relationship with his father.

If the police or a solicitor seems too scary at the moment as a next step, how about ringing Women's Aid? They are there to help all women in situations relating to domestic violence, of which threatened violence by an ex is definitely one. They would be able to give you advice on contact and your legal rights re letting him in the house (or not). The phone number is 0808 2000 247. Either that or the domestic violence unit of your local police station, just for advice, you don't have to do anything straight away.

Don't tell him you're recording the incidents - it will just rile him up again and put him on the defensive to make up some ridiculous counter story. I'd probably remove him from facebook as well. At least make a note (take screenshots or save the notification emails) of what was said so that you can show the police. You don't need to wait for this to escalate BTW - it has already escalated.

I'll try to find that website with the lists of solicitors.

dont let him in your house again.

tell him that this is because of the abusive language he used to you.

that he needs to make other arangements for seeing DS.

Ds wont suffer if he cant see dad for a few days while dad thinks about when and where he can propose contact.

as ilt says - if you dont put a stop now - your ex will only get worse because he will have gotten away with it.

Also, I'd say it's worth posting in Relationships as well as there are a few posters there who have experience of abusive ex-partners who might know more.

I forgot to say as well that you're not responsible for his anger, you don't need to keep telling him to get help - he's an adult and if he wants to do it, he will. Sounds like he just doesn't want to, even for his son's sake, which is sad :(

Here is the legal advisor search site - just put in your town/postcode and select "family" and then once it has searched scroll down to the bottom and there is an option to refine search by which firms work with legal aid. There's also a calculator on the site which should tell you whether you're entitled to legal aid to begin with.

www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/en/directory/directorysearch.jsp

If it comes up with lots of options and you aren't sure which ones to choose then you can use this site to search each firm by name, and see whether they appear on the top 500 in the country. Probably not all legal aid soclicitors will, but some do.

www.legal500.com/books/l500

Good luck, I hope you get this sorted soon.

Your DS is 10 months old and will not suffer from not seeing his father for a short time while you put structures in place to keep this man out of your home. Ignore the bullshit about you'pushing' him, abusers often say this to justify their abuse and it's not true. DOn't waste time or energy trying to make an abusive man behave reasonably, because he never will so you need formal legal backup to keep him at a distance from you. Prioritize your son's and your own wellbeing over this wanker's feelings, if he misses out it's his own fault.