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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Got told off by dd....

18 replies

Allalone0 · 15/02/2011 16:39

for not accepting flowers her dad brought for me!! She seems to think i made him waste his money.

My dd used ds's fone to ring her dad without me knowing. ds2 and dd told him cos its valentines day to get me something. :s

I was not aware of this, dd did tel me that she had foned dad and asked him when he was gonna come round and he promised to come around 8.

So then he turns up with sweets for the kids and flowers for me.
Which i felt was not appropriate at all! After everything that has happened.

The kids were upstairs and he took his flowers and threw them in the rubbish bin on his way out. Dd saw this from the window and came down, very upset that her 'POOR DAD' had to waste his money cos i didn't take the flowers from him and he 'HAD' to throw them in the bin!

I tried to explain to her that it wasn't right for him to get me anything, as we are no longer together, and that i as a person have the right to say 'no'.

When i refused he made out like he had taken the initiative himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allalone0 · 15/02/2011 16:44

exh and i have been separated now for 19months now.

Was i being unreasonable? should i have just taken them?

OP posts:

NewPatchesForOld · 15/02/2011 17:04

Hi. In my opinion yes...you should have accepted them. It is possible for exes to be friends and I think (others may disagree) that it's nice for the kids to see that although mum and dad aren't together anymore that they don't hate each other. My exH always gives me a kiss when he arrives to see the kids, and also when he leaves. Not a snog, obviously, but a kiss on the lips. we also go out to dinner with the kids when it's their birthdays etc. There is no suggestion of us getting back together, and the kids know that but they love that we get on so well together.
I suppose it depends on the relationship you had though and why it ended?

whiteandnerdy · 15/02/2011 17:10

I think children understand about feelings, not to the same complexity as adults but they know when people get upset they sometimes do things that are not always sensible. Just have to work out the kind of example you want to set you children about handling and expressing feelings.

corlan · 15/02/2011 17:19

I think you did the right thing. There's no point playing at 'Happy Families' when you are no longer one. In the long run it only makes it worse and more confusing for your children when you or your XP meet someone else.

Your children don't understand this and just see you as being the 'bad guy'. In reality, your XP behaved completely inappropriately.

NicknameTaken · 15/02/2011 17:19

I remember why you left your ex, and frankly, I like your message to your DD that you have the right to say no.

magicjamas · 15/02/2011 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JeremyVile · 15/02/2011 17:26

I dont know your history with him or the reason for your split, but I think its a shame you cant get on well enough for him to give you a bunch of flowers. Unless he is hankering after you still and was making a definite 'valentines' gesture then I really would just see it as a nice thing. And its a shame the kids see frostiness like this.

SecondMrsS · 15/02/2011 17:46

woah there newpatchesforold I take it he's not planning on a new partner any time soon! I jusy did a sick in my mouth at the thought of my ex kissing me on the lips when he picks DD up... shudder.

OP I would have taken the flowers and told him out of ear shot that you'd done it for the children. When he left you could have told the children you accepted them as a friendly gift rather than anything romantic - just in case they're at that stage where children fantasise about their parents getting back together. I think it is usually about a year on that happens.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 15/02/2011 18:45

Thank you everyone for your input.
hmmm....lots of mixed opinions.

Maybe i should have given a bit of back story. As i said before have been separated from exh for 19 mths now. He was mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Then he became abusive towards dd. Yet she still cares about him.

He still can be abusive but i try to stay strong and not let him get to me.

I have been trying my hardest to protect my dd alongside trying to allow some safe contact with their dad. Had it been someone else he wouldn't be in our lives, full-stop!!
But sadly cos hes their dad, i can't do that.

I was not aware that it was the kids idea in the first place had i known then maybe i would have considered accepting.

But i do think that as it WAS their idea and NOT his as he was making out to be, then he should have handed it over to them so they could have given them to me themselves.

OP posts:

SecondMrsS · 15/02/2011 19:17

All true Allalone

hariboegg · 15/02/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 15/02/2011 20:27

Haribo my dd is 7 and half.

OP posts:

makemineapinot · 15/02/2011 20:34

Allalone - you did the right thing. In those circumstances your dd should know that everyone has the right to say no to something they don't want, whether it be flowers, a peck on the cheek or abuse. Well done you though for keeping your dc safe and escaping such a crap marriage .
Your dc were trying to do something nice for you - even if they were hoping to get you and their dad back together - maybe you could take them to tesco or somewhere, give them some money and let them go and choose a bunch of flowers and pay for them for you? Then you can accept the flowers from them cos they're your DC and you love them!!

Original poster

Allalone0 · 15/02/2011 20:51

makemineapinot.....thats such an excellent idea!! :-)
I think thats what i'll do.
Thanks.....(((((hugs))))

OP posts:

magicjamas · 15/02/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

redfairy · 15/02/2011 22:45

God love her - your DS wanted to make a lovely gesture on Valentimes Day and like MJ says probably feels guilty that it backfired. Kids see things very simplictically and she probably reckoned that a bunch of flowers from Dad to Mum would make things nice for you. It takes a lot of growing up for children to see what goes on in a relationship and to her you are Mum and he is Dad - its Valentines Day therefore flowers would be nice.

I'm not sure what intention your ex had by going along with your daughters suggestion but I'm sure your daughter could now do with a little reassurance that her intention was appreciated by you.

redfairy · 15/02/2011 22:46

Whoops - I mean DD not DS. Teach me not to preview.

supadupapupascupa · 15/02/2011 22:52

I think it was a lovely thought from you DD but inappropriate for your ex to do this. Perhaps at another time, but NOT on valentine's day!!!! that's what you do when pursuing someone or celebrating a happy loving relationship surely.
TBH your ex should have said they were from DD.

The only time my Dad gave my Mum flowers after they split (and remarried) was when she had cancer. That was appropriate.

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