Need to rant about exP

[CostanzaBonanza]

Hi, my ex is a total prick and I would love so much to say this to his face but it would do no good at all and it would all become a bit Jeremy Kyle. I can't stew over it all day and need to get it out somewhere. My friends don't really understand so i thought this might be the best place.
He will not give any money to provide for his children (we have 2),yet can afford to drink, smoke, buy presents for his girlfriend, go out to the pub etc
He frequently criticises me to our eldest (the youngest is too little to understand) , saying things like he feeds them better than I do, and tries to involve her in arguments between us. He told her all about how we would be going to court, told her that she and her brother should be living with him and that I'm a bad mother.
Our eldest was very (understandably) confused when we first split. He was telling her all about going to court and telling her the judge would make me bring them home. He told me that he 'wouldn't make it easy for me by making it easy for them' (them = our children.
He had a new girlfriend coming round to the home we all used to live in (I left and moved away)about 3 months after I left. He has the children for about 5 overnight visits a month, this girlfriend would often be there during these visits. Why the hell does he need this girl there during the time he is with his children?! Is it really too much to go without sex for a couple of nights?!
He has our 5 yo sleeping in his bed with him when this girl wasn't there. He's so pathetic and needy.
About 2 weeks ago he tells our daughter that this girlfriend won't be coming round anymore and that he will be going to the pub to get drunk. Nice one.
The following week he has some other girl saying hello to our daughter over the webcam. He then takes our two children to tea at this girls house during the couple of hours in an evening contact that he has every so often in addition to the overnight stays. Her two children are there also. Our daughter has been told she can have sleepovers there. How fucking selfish and irresponsible to go introducing another new woman and her children to them already. Surely this woman should know better too?
I have a new partner (probably not really a partner but not sure how else to describe him) who I see very infrequently as I won't introduce the children to him yet, it's very early on in the relationship and i would see him much more often if I introduced the children to him but I wouldn't because that would be incredibly selfish and wrong.
I am sick of my prick of an ex badmouthing me and acting like the truly self centered twat that he is and getting no comeback from it. I want to scream in his face how much of a prick I think he is but what would that do? Fuck all.
I ignore his twatty attitude towards me for the sake of the children and constantly turn the other cheek so that they don't feel stuck between two arguing parents. I left him to get us all away from that situation. I feel so frustrated and angry at the moment and can't do a damn thing about it.
Sorry for the length of this, really needed to get it off my chest
Need a
If you got to the end, thanks for reading

No advice to give at the moment, however here is a

I am not going to add anything because you will get me ranting about my tosser of an ex.

So I am just going to offer (((HUGS)))

Rant away

One thing though - Why can't your ex have friends and friends with children who he visits with them? Presumably you have no issue introducing them to your friends and their children...
Yes I know it's because they are 'partners' not just friends. But just think and refer to them as daddy's friends to the children.

He seems quite angry and bitter to you. It must be very hard for him to have you and the children leave. My feeling is he isn't dealing with it too well and is perhaps saying what he'd like to happen rather than what will.

Basically he need to go on a parenting course to help him understand how to communicate with the children and share care of them. You could also suggest this book to him as a starting point (perhaps just buy it and leave it in the overnight bag you send with the children)
www.fnf.org.uk/shop/product/categoryid/21/productid/81

Is he taking the contact and residency issues to court? If so be sure to insist that he attends mediation and goes on a parenting course.
I would also suggest that as he is undermining your parenting that you could perhaps insist on these in order for contact to continue as at the moment it is emotionally damaging for the children to be subject to this behavious from him.

Big hugs. These things are never easy and you're doing the right thing coming here to rant rather than ranting at him or around the children.

Thanks very much everyone, I feel like i'm boring people if I start complaining about him.
Gilly, you're right I guess I would introduce them to new friends and I suppose his new girlfriends don't have to be any different.
He has already taken me to court soon after we broke up, he said I was mentally ill and unable to care for the children properly. He suggested to the CAFCASS officer that I was mistreating them. Following the CAFCAS officers report, I was given residency and he was given the contact that he has now.
I suggested mediation to him before we went to court the first time and he refused to do it, instead making up a pack of lies in order to get his case to court quickly.
Following the last court visit we are each going to attend (seperately), an hour long session about how to co-parent well following a separation although I have had no date for this to happen yet.
I would love for him to attend a parenting course but there's no way in the world that he would ever consider himself to need any help like that.I wish i had thought to insist on it as part of the agreement made in court
Thank you for the book suggestion, I may do as you advise and send it along to him but i feel he will ignore it.
It's just sooo irritating , listening to him over the webcam, telling our daughter to ignore me and criticizing me.
But thank you so much for reading and taking the time to reply, it really helps

CB what is ordered in the court order re contact? ie is the skye contact ordered?
Your primary role as a parent is to protect your dc (yes even from their parents if necessary) and you can break the court order if you feel you have sufficient grounds too and your sc are being subject to emotional harm.

Have you considered phoning your CAFCASS officer and saying that you are concerned to the point of thinking contact should stop.
If he is serious about being a parent to his children he will go to a parenting course if the alternative is not seeing them.

Definitely chase up the co-parenting session for you both. Go along to yours even if he doesn't go to his.

Send the book along, he can choose not to read it but I bet he has a look even if he throws it back at you too. Just keep sending it.

Start keeping a diary of things, events, dates/time and what was said by who to who and how your dc reacted.
And please don't ignore things he says about you completely. You will look like a dormat to your dd and if you don't answer any questions she might have then she might start to think they are true.

If you continue to let these things go then your dd might start to believe them and it could even lead to PAS against you in teh future.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome

You don't have to criticise her dad but you can respond with comments like We all say hurtful things when we are upset, or I don't know why Dad would say such things, or It wasn't up to dad or me who you should live with, we felt differently on it so we had to ask the court to decided who you should live with and this is what they decided for us.

At the very least you should speak to your CAFCASS officer/solictor to ask what is happening about the parenting course. I think you also need to consider a letter stating that unless this behaviour stops you will have no option but to stop all contact or limit it to a contact centre only.

Ranting is fine, but you need to take some action now to resolve these issues if you can. Not easy with someone who isn't willing or ready to see their actions are hurting the children.

Thank you I hadn't even thought to go back to the CAFCASS officer,I'll give her a ring and chase up the parenting courses.
I have tried talking to the solicitor but she never returns my phone calls, i think it's because she has now closed the file on the case
It does worry me that my daughter will end up believing him, he is very controlling and I would hate her to end up like I was.
Until recently I was keeping a diary of what he was doing, i'll start to do that again.
The skype contact was not part of the court order, I asked my solicitor to make sure that it definately wasn't part of the agreement as he would keep our DD there for 30 mins +, talking about himself/nothing and demanding her full attention the entire time while he did this.She has a typical 5 year olds attention span. I allow then to talk a couple of times a week on it now but stop it if it goes on too long. This puts our DD in a difficult position as he will then tell her how horrible and mean mummy is for stopping their 'conversation'.
You're right Gilly, I really need to do something

Good luck costanza I know how stressful and draining it can be. He's playing a game with you and trying to hurt you through your kids. For your own protection I would play the game, making sure there's nothing he can pull you up about.

And remember you can walk away from any abusive contact, not answer, or repeat yourself until he stops talking. Indifference is so much more annoying to men than getting upset!

Best of luck!