ExH, Kids and New partner!

[SingleMumAndProud]

I am seeing a new partner, it's early days but we both really like each other. We are going to try and keep the kids separate for as long as possible but as I have very few babysitters and Ex (kids Dad) isn't local, I think its going to be hard not to have him stay here etc.

My Ex has a new partner, who he has been with longer and she hasn't met the kids. BUT he only sees them about twice a month so there isn't really any need for her to (although I don't really have an issue if she did, as long as she was just "Daddy's friend").

The kids are 1 and 3 so don't really understand it all.

Anyway, now you know the rough story, what I really want to know is how much ExH really has a say in me and my new Partner and if/when/how he meets the kids. Currently, he has told me I am not to let him meet them and that he can't stay at mine. He said he will "go mad" if he finds out I have let them meet without his say so.

Does he have the right to dictate this? On one hand I understand he is Jealous, and that he is worried about being "replaced" etc. But on the other hand - I have to push for him to still have contact with the girls, he doesn't pay me a penny towards them, and didn't consider my feelings when he moved on only a few weeks after we split 7 months ago.

I don't really know what to say to him? He also gives me 20 questions about him all the time and wants to know every detail of where we go/what we do etc all the time.

I would tell your XP that as he obviously trusts you to look after his children he must also trust you to decide when and how you decide to introduce a new partner.
You must also realise that this has to work bothways which can be hard in itself.

The details of your relationship with new P are absolutely none of his business and I would try to set limits about what you will and wont discuss with him. He may try to dress it up as concern for the children but as you realise already that's not the case.

Reality is quite right about maintenance and if I were you I would chase that up right away

I have been chasing up maintenance with the CSA but no luck. He has just been fired yet again so is on job seekers allowance so would only get £5 a week anyway, towards 2 toddlers. He is a useless idiot!

Your XP sounds very jealous and controlling. It is clearly OK in his mind for him to move on but the same rules don't apply to you. What a nob.

He has no say in your private life. Ignore him and don't give him anymore information than necessary.

I am a firm believer in keeping new partners out of DC lives until it is serious commitment type serious. FWIW everyone really likes everybody in the early days - hard as it may be, if it is to be long term, it can wait. However I would not allow your X to dictate anything ,or even opine, as he sounds irresponsible and selfish.

I can't believe you are even asking this tbh - he has forfeited any right to a say in your private life and that includes who you introduce the girls to.

Do not answer the 20 questions - only tell him things he needs to know about the girls and if you are feeling especially generous things you think he might like to know about them.

Don't push for contact - concentrate on building your own life, his contact with his kids, is something he has to work on.

I hope your new relationship works out well for you - try to take it slowly, for your sake and the girls - not for your ex's sake.

(The downside is that unless you have a specific problem, with a specific person you can't dicatate to him who he introduces the girls to or what they call her.)

Thanks for all your input. I actually let new partner stay here Monday night (He arrived after the kids had gone to sleep and just stayed in bed till after the school run and youngest went to bed so he didn't meet them at all and the kids had no idea).

Stupidly, X rang me the next day and asked me if NP had stayed the night and I said yes and explained to him he didn't see the girls. Well he has gone mad and won't stop on at me.

I know I shouldn't tell him things, but I don't really lie to anybody about anything and I am a really honest person and X knows that. He asks me stuff and I just don't know what to do. I actually ended up wishing I had just lied to him, but I bang on about honesty all the time so I can't really! I can just never lie to anybody about anything!

Now I don't know what to do! He has been trying to call me again and I don't even want to speak to him!

You daftie - tell him nothing!! Tell him to mind his own fucking business!!

It isn't lying - it is just simply having some privacy, say 'That is no longer any of your business' - no lies, just no information. I mean, if I asked you how much money you have in the bank would you tell me? or would you say 'Umm, that's private'??

Tell him if he doesn't leave you the hell alone and only text re access to the kids you will be getting an injunction (or whatever they are calling them this month!!).

Repeat after me It is NOT lying, it is just nPRIVATE - he is no longer entitled to the details of your private life.

I think I need to work on being a bit more private, as if you asked me how much I had in the bank I probably would tell you - well if I knew myself that is!

The thing is, if I say "thats private" when he asks if he stayed, then he will assume the worst and that he has met the kids etc.

I have just spoken to him. I have told him that he can't keep asking me stuff like this. He has now agreed not to BUT he is insisting I should tell him if/when/how he meets the kids, before it happens and agree it with him. I don't really know how I feel about this.

I Feel this is so complicated having a relationship after marriage/kids!

I am still married to X and I am thinking now may be the time to start divorce. Must look into that more.

Thank you for all your responses, it is really good to talk to people with no emotion attachment to any of us.

It's none of his business. It really is none of his business. He has no legal - or moral- right to either know or issue instructions about your sex life. Just say to him every time he brings the subject up 'It's none of your business' and if he gets abusive, walk away or hang up the phone.
He may threaten legal action but he will not get any kind of legal order regarding who you can introduce the DC to, socialise with or have sex with unless he is able to show clear proof that your new partner is a danger to your DC (eg violent, addicted to drugs and alcohol or a convicted sex offender).

although why do you have an issue with your ex's girlfriend? you are ok as long as she is only Daddy's friend? Although that is a longer term relationship? Surely you are controlling and dictating a bit here too tbh?

hi SingleMumAndProud I haven't posted on lone parents before, not sure why because it looks like there is a wealth of information and advice on here.

I had similar experience to you, except my children are older and exdh lives in another country but because he does pay me a generous maintenance I think it made it worse and that he feels like he can control me. As he lives 6000 miles away and I care for the children 24/7 then like you my new partner came to the house perhaps sooner than would have been normal. He didn't like it and made lots of financial threats etc etc texts, calls. Just exhausted me and now he just pays me minimum even though he on 6 figure salary but I feel free from him. Me and new dp trying for baby so that will be fun when he finds out ;)

Just keep saying 'It is none of your business' - tell him now that it is the only answer he will ever get when he asks you inappropriate questions - that it is neither confirmation nor denial - so he'd better get used to it.

Personally I would agree to tell him when the children have met your new man. (TELL being the operative word) just so he knows. (It's better for the children I think, then they never have to worry about 'keeping secrets'.) That you will NOT be asking him beforehand and that you do not need his agreement so fuck off.

It doesn't need to be complicated at all. You get an access agreement in place and after that it should be pretty simple if you lay out your boundaries & stick to them.

Thanks again guys

Ladydeedy - I don't have a problem with her at all, its more that he does. He isn't really interested in her and is already cheating etc. They have only been together a couple of months and he fully admits he has lost interest in her and is just with her for somewhere to go to get away from his Mum as his new GF has her own flat and my X is living with his controlling Mother.

Chipping - what is an "access agreement"?

Hiya

I split with my husband in September and my new man met the kids in December, he stays over once or twice a week and I see him another night if I haven't got plans.

I told my ex when the kids met my BF and then again when he stayed the night but it was after the event and I did not ask his permission.

You have a right to a private life so be strong and don't take any rubbish!!!

SMAP - access agreement (it's called different things depending on where you live) but it's the agreement about when he is able to see/have the children - either you come to an agreement yourselves or it's decided through the courts.