Controlling ex refuses to communicate

[newtobrighton]

Hi everyone

I've read lots about mums who struggle to get their exes to see their kids, but I've a totally different problem.

When my ex and I broke up we agreed on joint custody - I still feel this was more of a financial decision on his part so that he wouldn't have to pay me anything (we both earn about the same) - as he didn't really do a great deal with our DD before we broke up.

But since the split he's presented himself as father of the year. And I can't fault him in terms of the general day to day care. But what I am concerned with is the emotional side of things.

He's told our DD that mummy left (he's still in the family home), that mummy didn't love daddy anymore and the daddy doesn't love mummy anymore but doesn't want to see mummy because it upsets him.

My DD gets very upset if she thinks we may see her dad because she doesn't want him to get upset.

He refuses to communicate with me other than by email about anything other than school holiday arrangements and any health issues. He has DD midweek and had been taking her to ballet lessons on a Wednesday but then the class was moved to a Saturday but he didn't bother to tell me about this and had arranged for our DD to attend every other Saturday. I've rectified this and now take her on the alternate Saturday but his attitude is that it's a fact of divorce that we will be doing separate leisure activities with DD.

I'm sure he would prefer it if I was dead - I feel as though he acts as though I don't exist when DD's with him and it worries me that this behaviour will be so confusing to our DD - she can't be expected to live two lives. She literally has two homes, with two wardrobes, two sets of toys, etc. Nothing is shared from him and if she leaves mine in clothes from here then she comes back in those same clothes (washed of course).

DD is being a bit of a handful at the moment - she's five - but even though I've emailed him to say that she's being a bit difficult and can we chat about it he doesn't reply. I want to be able to discuss these things with him as we are both her parents.

He was always controlling and he's doing everything by the book - but I really feel like I'm at my wit's end. I left him, not my DD, but I just don't feel like I am able to be a proper mum. I have battles with him about docs appointments - as a mother I know if my daughter's not right and needs to see a doc but if I make an appointment it would have to be on my day and not on one of his.

I think he's punishing me really with this rigid approach - it was this behaviour that drove me insane in our marriage. I keep trying to give him time as I know he was very hurt when I left but it's been two years now.

I should add that I had a difficult time when DD was born. I had a still born baby the year before and got pregnant again with DD very quickly and then unfortunately didn't bond and had PND (although denied it to everyone). It's really only been in the last 6 months that I can honestly say that I have properly bonded with my DD and that's an horrific admission, but I know I'm not alone in delayed bonding. What I want more than anything is to be a good mum and to make up for the years before we bonded. I was a good mum then but it just didn't feel as natural then as it does now.

Sorry for the length of this - I'd really like to hear from anyone else who may have experienced something like this.

Thanks

I'm not sure if this is much like your situation MJ I dont get the impression that OP's ex refuses to communicate in the way that your partners ex does.

OP - I can see why it is hard for you particularly when you had a hard time bonding with your DD and now, as pnd would have ordinarily probably lifted, your progress had been halted due to you only spending half your time with DD. I was in this exact situation and I really feel your pain. It's hard, but you will get there.

Why do you need more contact with your ex? Why can't your DD have two homes? If she spends half of her time there it would be sad for her not to have a full set of belongings there.

I agree it seems like your ex is communicating with your DD on a level too mature for her years and telling her things she can't understand such as 'I don't want to see mumy because I'll get upset' have you discussed this with him?

My ex is completely backward where our DDs emotional maturity is concerned but when I raise issues with her he does listen in the end.

I'm not sure what level of communication you want with him? What would make this situation better in your mind?

Also, most children of divorce that i have known or read about hate carting belongings to and from homes, I think it's best for them to have a whole home with both parents. As long as it's not completely ridgid of course and she can take personal things (fovourite teddy etc) to and fro if she wishes.

As you wee married is there a person in his family that you are close with that could speak to him about how he is feeling? It sounds to me like he hasn't got over you..
Our kids wear clothes they wore from their respective mum and dad's back to theirs.. hey used to just mix themall up but then they'd end up with 5 pairs of jeans at one home and 5 tops at another, it does make sense in terms of washing and having proper sets of clothes in the right house else how do you know if your coming or going?

That is so sad re your DBD stripping in the car

That is way too extreme!

Funny how all our DBDs stuff from her mum's house has to be returned but the Laptop, iphone,ghd's and uggs that we bought her can happily go to her mothers house [ho hum emoticon]

Thanks for all the replies - it's nice to not feel alone with this one.

SecondMrsS - I know I can't expect him to want to have a nice chat with me but I just feel that better communication and us at least being civil to each other would be better for DD. I don't want her to grow up with this being her key example of how relationships work. He has met someone else and I had hoped that would ease things - I'd like to be able to meet her as she now has a role in DD's life but I know that's something he would never agree to.

All of my other friends who have separated/divorced don't have these communication issues with their ex and at least where the kids are concerned they just find a way to muddle through. I left him because I was unhappy and I didn't think that I could be a happy mum to DD by staying put. The irony is that I am feeling just as unhappy now because I don't feel like I am able to be a proper mum. I know I'm feeling guilty too because of the bonding issue and so that's probably making things worse in terms of my need for better communication.

I guess I need to just accept that this is the way it will be. Great advice about the two homes approach - thank you. I will just chill out about that. It's half term next week and DD is with me all week so that will give us some quality time together.

Thanks again everyone.

Wow that sounds like a great week and a great opportunity to spend some quality time with your daughter. I totally understand about wanting to set a good example of a healthy relationship to your DD. Is there a chance you will meet someone else and could do this in future?
Maybe you ex and his new partner will provide this too? Do you have close family or friends in happy relationships? I wouldn't worry yourself over this too much, although that's easy for me to say! You have the advantage of being a woman and therefore your DDs key role model of how to run her life.If you are strong and loving she'll grow up the same i'm sure. It ertainly sounds a sthough your DD isnt missing our on any love; even if the circumstances arent conventional.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you - I'm not with anyone right now although there was someone who DD was close to but unfortunately that didn't work out so I want to just concentrate on us because I don't want her to experience lots of broken relationships. He's still around so hasn't vanished from her life which is good but just as a close friend. She talks positively about my ex and his partner and has said in the past that they never argue and they make each other very happy so that's a good thing and yes that does provide a role model for a healthy relationship.

That's a good point to look beyond the immediate - my parents, although divorced, are in happy relationships and my exes parents are happily married so there are other role models there too.

I find it hard when I've had a difficult time with DD - she's very bright but very defiant right now - and then she goes off to her dad. I feel that if my ex and could talk then we would be able to reinforce the message to her that we both love her. It's just really hard not being part of her other life when I gave birth to her. It just feels very unfair. But as I write this I realise that all of this is a lot more to do with how I'm feeling rather than how my ex is behaving. I can't do anything about him so I guess I just need to concentrate on doing what I can when DD is with me.

Thanks again.

Absolutely!! You've got it all worked out x