Finding my mother increasingly difficult

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I've had a fairly difficult relationship with my mother for as long as I remember; she's extremely narcissistic and has, until quite recently, still been able to control me to a certain extent (emotional blackmail etc).
I'm a single mum of 3, and have been through absolute hell with my ex, sexual/emotional and physical abuse, not only towards me but also the DCs, and yes...all 3 types of abuse to them also. My mother wasn't there for me at all during it all - wouldn't give evidence to the police, questioned whether I was telling the truth over his abuse of my little girl, and has basically let me know how much of a disappointment and failure I am in her eyes.
Now I am finding it very very difficult to deal with her and feel I may be at the end of my tether. She is such a drama queen - today for example she turned up for a hairdressing appt and the hairdresser forgot she was coming in and wouldn;t do her hair. Apalling customer service I agree, but she then sent me a text asking how much rejection was she supposed to take. I called her and she basically said that if she were to get ill she wouldnt; care and wouldn;t want treatment etc..all because she couldn't get her fricking hair cut!
She asked me to find out about social groups where she lives - I did this knowing full well that she is so anti social that she would never join one...when I told her she would need to go to a welcome meeting and be introduced she went mad - 'I'm not bloody doing that, being paraded around a bunch of bloody strangers'.
I've invited her up 3 times recently...xmas, NY and her birthday and each time she's refused...and yet she bitches that she hasn't been to my house and 'one day I might get the opportunity to try your cooking'.
I absolutely dread speaking to her. She is the most bitter, twisted, negative and yes...nasty person I have ever met. My DCs have asked me not to speak to her as I come off the phone in such a foul mood because she upsets me so much.
I'm on a healthy eating plan and have lost just over a stone since 1 Jan, and she told me the other day that all I ever do is eat.
On the phone tonight she was effing and blinding that nothing has gone right for her lately and I said that I knew how that felt as I'd had years of it...she asked me when things had ever gone wrong for me!!! I'd had years of abuse, bullying and running but she won't accept that.
She's been on her own since my Dad died 16 years ago.
She has alienated my brother by slagging off his wife to him (his loyalty quite rightly is with his wife), she's on the verge of losing me and my sister, on a recent visit home from Oz, went back crying because of the way my mum treated her and my niece. She has said she will never visit again.
When she does spend time here she ends up upsetting my DCs, especially the youngest (6) by 'teasing' her (as she calls it) relentlessly, and then laughing when DD cries.
I'm just so sick of her, and the whole situation.
Sorry, I just needed to rant.

After everything you don't need this.

You need to take some control in the way your siblings have and set some behavioural and communication boundries. Continue to speak to her if you choose, but if the conversation becomes uncomfortable (abusive, personal, ranting) in any way, just calmly say 'Mum, I will speak to you another time, I have to go now' and hang up.

I am interested that you think it's accaptable that your brother's loyalties lie with his wife - could you apply this to your family unit and change your loyalties to lie with your children? If her behaviour upsets you and this affects your children, is this enough of a reason to limit contact?

I agree, you don't need this. It sounds like you have been to hell and back regarding your ex (well done on breaking free and reporting him to the police).

It's hard being a single parent, even harder if the people in your life are negative, selfis and just plain nasty. You need to only surround yourself with people who are positive, nice, supportive etc.

If you can't face completely cutting ties then be very thorough at screening what contact you do have with her. It sounds like a plus that she hasn't turne up when invited if all she does is upset your kids! You need to put you and your dcs first with regards to your mother, I hope you can find a way to do it.

Have you read the toxic parent book??

I have no contact with my dad and while I sometimes miss having a father figure around, I don't miss him being in my life. I have contact with my mum on my own terms, maybe a weekly email and the odd visit when I knwo my sister will also be there.

Thankyou for the replies...it's hard when it's your own mother, and sometimes (in times of guilt) I feel I am being unfair and I feel sorry for her BUT I know this is her and not me.
Yes...we really have been to hell and back, my oldest daughter went off the rails for a couple of years but now she has just been offered a place in college on her dream course, she is on target to achieve top grades in her GCSEs and is a lovely young woman. My son wants to go to medical school and my little one is a beautiful child, inside and out. All 3 are balanced, grounded, polite and well behaved. I am now retraining in child counselling (bullying therapy) and reflexology with the view to having my own business. I'm really proud of what we've achieved.
My mother however, pours scorn on everything I do. She doesn't think my son is clever enough to get into med school, she thinks my daughter's chosen career is beneath her, she asked me why I want to do counselling and reflexology as I won't make any money from it.
She's depressed, has been as long as I can remember. But she won't go to the dr's, never has. She has to give up work, as she is past retirement age, and when I suggested to her that she may be entitled to help with rent etc she went mad at me...it is shameful to her to be on benefits (I am at the moment...much to her disgust which is why I am retraining so I can provide for the children myself).
My loyalty is to the children, absolutely, and the last time she made my DD cry I did end up arguing with her (that sounds pathetic doesn't it?).
I get so cross when she goes on about the world being against her...as well as the hairdresser incident, she dropped one of her phones down the back of the cabinet (end of the world), her mobile phone won't charge (someone has it in for her), her freeview won't work (someone has put a curse on her)...it's pathetic. I feel like screaming at her that she has f**ing idea what real problems are. She told my brother a couple of weeks ago that her tv wasn't working, so he brought her around a spare one of his. Now all she does is bitch to me that it's too effing big, and she wishes he hadn't offloaded his crap onto her, and if she could lift it up she'd put it in the garden in the rain...blah blah. God she is SO horrid. He thought he was helping her.
My daughter joked last night that she would want to move in with us when she leaves work...she was joking but I filled with panic.

I have so much empathy for you, you could be talking about my mother,she has refused to do anything on her own since dad died 14 years ago.
I almost gave in last year and started looking for a house where she could live with us and I could be her personal slave, but then I spoke to her GP (I was feeling guilty and she kept saying that life wasn't worth living etc etc). Her GP gently told me I would be mad to have her to live with us which I already knew but it was good to hear someone else say it.
Iam sorry I don't know what the answer is, I have to listen to her moaning and whinging every evening when she phones (supposedly to support me), but you sound like a wonderful mother,good luck in your training and business,do you share a moan with your brother? I find it helps when she really upsets me to have a chat with my brother

mpuddleduck...I'm sorry you're having to go through this too, although it helps to hear that I'm not the only one.
No...I can't talk to my brother about her - he is probably more embroiled in it than I am, he lives close to her (I am 40 miles away) and despite the fallings out they have he won't have anything said against her. I do have an allie in my sister, she lives in Oz but we do stay in constant contact and exchange lengthy letters talking about her.
Mine has not done a thing for herself since Dad died either - she moans that she lost her independence when he died; I am so tempted to point out that she didn't have any, she was dependent on him then. She moans that she has no friends, but then tells me that she's sick of her friend constantly ringing her so ignores the phone. This friend has now given up.

Oh God, this is really driving me mad. She just called me and I wasted an hour of my life listening to her absolute paranoia and bull s**t.
Referring to the hairdresser incident 'I stayed awake all night, just can't get it out of my head. I burst into tears so many times over it, what should I do about it?'
Um...just forget it mum and don't book with him again.
She recieved a text from an unknown number asking whoever it was intended for to get some conditioner...she obsessed about who it was from and why were her 'friends' sending stupid texts to her? She wouldn't accept that it was simply a wrong number. Similarly she got a text off an ex friend the other day intended for the friend's daughter...she said that this ex friend had deliberately sent it to her to try and make her call. Everybody is playing mind games with her apparently.
The...and this is the icing on the cake...she went on about how much my older 2 had suffered at the hands of my exH and that they had had it worse than my youngest (and least favoured)...I pointed out that she had had it just as bad, and worse in some cases as her father had sexually abused her. There was silence and she said 'Oh, yes, I completely forgot about that'!!!! She forgot that her own grand daughter had been sexually abused????

Do you have an answering machine??

Get caller display and never answer the phone to her again - or just change your number. Also block her number on your mobile.

Write a letter to say you need a break from her phone calls so won't be answering for a while.

You need to cut all ties with this woman you'd all be so much better off without her.

She sounds a lot like my mother. I had an abusive relationship with my children's father (thankfully just me) and as far as she was concerned I deserved it because I'm evil, brought it on myself by not being a good enough wife and mother, exaggerated how bad it was to make her feel guilty etc.

I tried and tried and tried with her but nothing was ever good enough, and in the end I had to just accept that she was only ever going to be a negative influence in my and my kid's lives and have totally stopped all contact. She seems to just get worse and worse as she gets older. I just could not deal with all the extra drama and stress any more.

We've had a far happier and more settled life since. It's hard, and sometimes I do feel guilty about it and miss having a family for support like "normal" people, but I know it's just not worth it.

If I were you I would at the very least drastically limit contact :(

try reading codependent no more by Melanie Beattie, it might help! It could give you some insights on how to let go of her drama in a loving way, put down healthy boundaries for yourself and DC's, and generally help you not feel like the first person to have been there... some ppl don't know how to be independent. If she was dependent on your father, then she's probably transferring onto you in his absence... you can't change her (unfortunately) but you can change your own participation in her drama. Good luck! sounds like you and your DCs have been through an awful lot and are doing brilliantly. I hope your course goes well and you get the life you dream of for your family.