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Original poster

son at unknown sleepover

21 replies

teahouse · 12/02/2011 22:51

Need some advise.

My 16 year old son is at a sleep over. Usually he texts me with the address (often once he's there), but this evening - nothing.

I've texted twice asking for the address but he's not got back to me.

He's still at sceondary school and I'm not comfortable with his just disappearing. I've never grounded him before as I don't need to, but I think maybe this is a grounding offense.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/02/2011 22:53

Did you not get details before he left? or did he go straight from school?

do you have any of his friends telephone numbers? perhaps they will know?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/02/2011 22:54

school. tsk. It's a saturday.

Sorry.

So he left without telling you the name of the person he was staying with? or he told you the name but it's the address you don't have?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 12/02/2011 22:57

I'd say that's a grounding offense. Do you ground and does it work?

Sounds like the sleepovers can be a spontaneous thing which is fine if he lets you know what's going on, but absolutely not fine when he doesn't tell you. Also, it's all too easy to not tell you the entire truth by text. ie, is he where he says he is?

It's to do with trustworthyness and he's broken that.

maristella · 12/02/2011 22:57

i think you need to ring him! if he doesn;t answer then text saying he needs to give you the address he's at or you will have to ring is friends to find out, and failing that the police. hope you locate him ok

LibraPoppyGirl · 12/02/2011 22:59

Is he on pay as you on his mobile or a contract? If he's on pay as you go, could he have run out of credit and maybe feels a bit daft asking to use the phone to call his mum? I know teenagers can be a bit like this as they get older that's all.

Or perhaps he's left his phone in his pocket and he can't hear the text message coming through?

Try ringing the phone and see if you can get an answer and keep trying.

I know it's worrying and I'm not trying to make light of the situation, just trying to put forward a couple of ideas as to why he hasn't been in contact.

Hope you speak to him soon Smile

Changeisagoodthing · 12/02/2011 22:59

16 in year 11

Or

16 in sixth form.

Dansmommy · 12/02/2011 23:01

I can understand your worry, and I'd tear a strip off him tomorrow, but you can't go grounding a 16 year old! He could move out if he wanted!

Is he usually sensible? Do you think this is deliberate?

LeChatRouge · 12/02/2011 23:11

Oh dear - horrible being stressed, you just can't relax.

My 16 year olds regularly stay at friends houses - 8 times out of 10 I get a text, but if I don't, I just think they will let me know if they need me.

Obviously I prefer to know, but trust them to make sensible decisions and stay safe.

Depends on where you live though I suppose.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 12/02/2011 23:22

Sorry, I think it's common curtesy, regardless of age, that if you are living with someone else, eg your mother, and you're not going to be at home over night, you let them know where you are going to be.

If I lived at my mum's I'd let her know where I was going to be overnight. Or at least text to say "I'm staying at a friend's". And I'm 42.

EightiesChick · 12/02/2011 23:25

If he usually texts you, then if he was up to something, the most devious way to avoid getting caught would still be to text you as usual and bank on you trusting that he is where he says he is. So my bet (and bear in mind it is only a bet) would be that he has just forgotten or the phone is dead/out of earshot. Only you know your son and how trustworthy he usually is. Do you have any information at all about either where he might be, or any of the friends he might be with? If so, you could try ringing them / a landline. Can understand why you are disconcerted though.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 23:29

Good grief! I was always out and about at that age....on sleepovers...never told my Mum where I was exactly...just "At Janes" or whoevers...I think you are being a tad over-protective.

Dansmommy · 13/02/2011 00:00

Marymotherofcheeses, I agree with you that it's courtesy, as well as good commmon sense in terms of personal safety. But I don't think you can 'punish' a 16 year old.

As the OP has said she's never had to ground him, I'd say he sounds like a good lad who can be trusted. I'd tear a strip off him re: safety and letting her know he's not coming home, but I wouldn't insist on the address at that age. I don't think you can really...who's to say he'd tell the truth anyway?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 11:35

I think the point is, and the reason the OP is worried, is that failing to make contact is out of character.

If someone normally does something - in this case texts to let you know the address - and then on one occasion, does not - it is natural to see this as out of character and therefore worrying.

It is the change in the normal pattern that makes you worry.

usualsuspect · 13/02/2011 11:42

I wouldn't ground a 16 year old but I would expect them to answer a text or call if they were at a sleepover and I was worried about them

activate · 13/02/2011 11:44

I'd be calling round his friends

if he usually tells you and hasn't then he's technically missing isn't he?

I have the mobile numbers of about 3 of DS1s mates and he knows I would not hesitate to kick up a big embarrassing stink if he ever was such an arse

hoep your kids ok

mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 13/02/2011 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
teahouse · 13/02/2011 12:19

He's 16 and in year 11.
He was going to meet his mates and I knew there was a sleepover but he assured me that he's etx me with the details. I have no idea who was there beyond his girlfriend (who I know very little about), and his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend (who keep picking on my son); others for sure who I don't know who.

I got a text this morning to stay there wasn't a signal and he had texted me the address but I coudln't have got it!

Collecting him later on and will talk to him there. He's pushing the boundaries a bit and I know that's normal but he has to think about his GCSE's (he is very dyslexic and not doing well at school), and also be respectful to me.

Thanks for the advise; I hope to be able to compromise on the grounding issue - if I say no, and he agrees to give me the details in advance, I think that would work out well.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 13/02/2011 12:24

You have to trust him at some point you won't know all his friends at this age ..If he texted you this morning then I would be fine with that, if you knew he was sleeping out

TheVisitor · 13/02/2011 12:27

I expect a text from my 18 year old to let me know where he is if he's staying out. I also don't think it's unreasonable to ground a 16 year old if their behaviour warrants it. I fully agree that it is courteous and respectful to let the person who you live with know where you are.

ajandjjmum · 13/02/2011 12:30

I would say that you must have the details in advance too, as he's let you down on this occasion, even if it was not his fault that he didn't have a signal. Hmm

I don't see it as a matter of trust. It's more that he needs to remember that you will worry (if you're anything like me), and he should do anything reasonable to alleviate your worry.

From experience - has to be drummed in though. DS is a uni, and I got a random text recently at around 2 am saying 'I'm in safe'. I thanked him for waking me, and said that I probably don't need to know now. I think he was paying me pack! Grin

usualsuspect · 13/02/2011 12:34

I expect my 18 year old to let me know hes staying out ..however I don't expect him to always tell me where he is

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