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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Daughter doesn't want to go to her Dad's

16 replies

towner · 10/02/2011 13:35

I have read some of the other threads but am still a bit unclear on this problem

I have been divorced for 12 years, DS is almost 18 and DD is 14. As a last resort to get a more realistic amount of maintenance for DD, I have gone to the CSA. So far so good.

The verbal agreement since our split has always been for the children to go there every other weekend, which is great until the children reach teenager-hood and they don't want to go. Now that the CSA are involved, ex husband wants DD to go every weekend again so that he doesn't have to pay so much in maintenance. Just for info, children have not seen their father since boxing day.

As you can imagine, DD doesn't want to go as she "has a life" at the weekends with her mates. Do I have to force her to go??????

OP posts:

belledechocchipcookie · 10/02/2011 13:38

You can't force her, she's old enough to be able to decide for herself. I wouldn't force her, he sounds like a tosser.

Original poster

towner · 10/02/2011 13:51

Christ, do you know him?!!!

No, I don't want to force her but at the moment, I am the one in the middle. She is digging her heels in saying she isn't going and I'm sure the next email from him will be how she is only 14 and should do as she is told. I'm sure you can hear it yourselves!

Any idea on the legal standing for this?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 10/02/2011 13:54

Respond to him saying children are not "pay per view" and I don't think CSA payments are based on that arrangement either.

Bertina · 10/02/2011 13:57

I think she should go every other weekend if that's when he wants to see her - can he come and collect her so she can explain to him why she's not going, can you back him up?

How far away is he - could she go but he can still ferry her over to see mates etc? What does he do to spend time with her when she's there (or what will/can he do)?

belledechocchipcookie · 10/02/2011 14:03

He sounds like my ex to be honest. He see's ds for an hour in between visiting his friends, an hour a YEAR! My son has said he doesn't want to see him any more and I have to respect this.

Google fraser competence, if she realises the implications then she should be able to say what she wants.

Original poster

towner · 10/02/2011 14:19

Bertina - he is about 4 miles away. In the past when she has stayed with him, step-mum and half sister, she has gone into town with her mates on the Saturday. She does occasionally get dropped into town, but more often than not has to pay for her own bus fare. That really gets my back up, only a small thing I know and I'm sure that some will think that she should pay it herself. However I don't!
She spends more time with the step mum / half sister who is autistic than with her father.

OP posts:

balia · 10/02/2011 18:53

belledechocchipcookie I think you mean this
Gillick competency and Fraser guidelines refer to a legal case which looked specifically at whether doctors should be able to give contraceptive advice or treatment to under 16-year-olds without parental consent. But since then, they have been more widely used to help assess whether a child has the maturity to make their own decisions and to understand the implications of those decisions.

A child of 14 would not have to be judged to be Gillick Competent to have their views heard in a contact case - I'd say it was highly unlikely they would rule against her wishes.

CSA payments can include a reduction based on the number of times a child stays with the NRP but IME they would take your word over his - just tell them he hasn't had her overnight since Christmas.

I would still encourage her to go, BTW,but not force her at that age.

GypsyMoth · 10/02/2011 18:59

my dd's said to the court social worker they wanted no access....courts listen,they were 11 andd 13...the boys werent listened to at 10 and 7

bobala · 10/02/2011 19:08

My 12 year old refuses to see his Dad and wont even talk to him on the phone. My 14 year old has refused for 6 months but has now decided to try one night in half term. I let them decide -they are both old enough now to say what they want and luckily their Dad is now realising that if he paid them more attention when they were at his, then they might want to visit him!

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 10/02/2011 19:10

I think balia's right. No court is going to try to force a 14yo to see her dad unless she wants to or there's a very good reason why that 14yo can't be trusted to make her own decisions.

I would encourage her to keep in touch with him and maybe suggest alternatives to staying the whole weekend. Maybe regular Skype sessions or phone calls or something to keep the relationship going?

When you say she hasn't seen her dad since Boxing Day, why is this? Her refusing to go or him not being available?

Original poster

towner · 11/02/2011 10:37

She received a text from him just after the new year which said that he had just bought a new xbox and kinect thing for the other little girl, and that DD should come round sometime to play on it. She said OK, but didn't arrange a time or date and that was that.

I am encouraging her to go next weekend, but am already getting "but I will be bored and I will have to pay for my own bus fare into town to see my mates on the Saturday". So it's not like she really spends any great length of time with him, although the contact she does have she seems to enjoy.

Made me a bit sad last night when she said she couldn't talk to him about the bus fare issue because "Mum, I don't really know him". DD and DS have been going to see him regularly for the past 6 years, so I find this quite telling about how much time they actually spend with him, as opposed to the step-mum and half sis.

OP posts:

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 11/02/2011 11:02

That is indeed telling. And sad.

In an ideal world maybe the best compromise would be for DD to see her dad on a Sunday when she won't be itching to see her mates so much and he will hopefully have a bit more time for her. But I doubt your ex would go for it

gillybean2 · 11/02/2011 19:47

If you don't think she should be paying to go into town (presumably you ferry her or give her the bus fare yourself)...
and given that your ex is now paying you more maintenance through the CSA...
why not tell her that if she goes to her dad's you'll be sure to give her the bus fare money so she can still go to town while she is there

pip56 · 03/03/2018 17:57

my step grand-daughter doe's not want to go and see her dad she is 11 what action can she take

SciFiG33k · 03/03/2018 19:08

pip this is a zombie thread. Suggest you start your own thread

ginomilo1 · 10/11/2018 19:05

My 14 year old does not want to go to her dads mainly because of seeing friends etc, he does not live close by. He Is a control freak and has always been verbally abusive to me but now he has started on her because she doesn’t want to go. I am struggling a lot with this and I don’t know what to do.

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