Best way to deal with ex at the birth and through paternity leave?

[Fab123]

Hi everyone,

I've posted a few times in the last few days as my ex and I recently split.
We've just recently started talking reasonably amicably again and now the question of paternity leave and the birth has come up.
Basically he lives 3 hrs away by train. He hasn't told his work yet (I'm only 17 weeks pg, so I know this may be soon but I'm a planner) and seems to be expecting to stay at my house .
I have told him today that that isn't a possiblity for me. Not only do I think this is going to add stress to an already stressful situation but the last thing I want is for him to be staying nights when I am tired and vulnerable. I almost don't know if it would be worse if he is cynical and bitchy (normal behaviour) or suddenly supportive. I really can't see it working regardless of his intentions. So I said he needs to look at hotels/B&B's.

I also don't want him in the room while I give birth. He's ex-army and has a way of belittling anything that isn't an amputation as well as saying very innapropriate and competative things . As an example I nearly fainted in public in the first trimester and had to sit down quite puffed. He told me to get a grip and that his mum would have given me a big slap if she had been there...that kind of thing.

I know it is months away, but as we are trying to resolve the issue now so he can have a clear idea of his role and tell work etc, I wondered if anyone can offer suggestions or advise if they have been in a similar situ? Thanks in advance

I would of killed my ex if he had turned up at the birth of my children.

You are being good considering him being around, but you are fully within your rights to ask him not to be in the delivery room with you. Does he know he won't be in the delivery room?

I think i've managed to get that through to him now. As he hasn't told work and travels a lot there is a question of whether he will be in the country. I was annoyed a couple of weeks ago when he told me his boss would be sending him to India for a month in June/July which is when I am due! I am tempted to say I will get my friend to call once she is here and he can travel down to see her then. Like you I think I might actually go postal on him if he is in the room

My ex left me at 8 months pregnant, I thought it would be temporary so I stayed friendly with him, had him at the birth and he stayed at mine for a week after the birth, I allowed him to come round whenever he wanted until baby was 3 weeks old when it became clear the situation was messing with my head, he was getting the best of both worlds,coming and going as he pleased,living his single life and keeping tabs on us all at the same time. I am so glad that I took back control of my life and told him hed have to arrange times and days so that I could arrange to be elsewhere,leaving him to have his time with his son while I got on with something else. I know that not everyone is the same, and your circumstances will be different,I just think that as long as you are looking after you and what is best for you and your baby, your ex will have to fit in around you, he chose to leave you alone therefore you must come first when making these decisions, good luck I hope it goes as smoothly as possible

Thanks. I already have suspicions about another woman at work - I have a feeling she was feeding him "advice" and may have ulterior motives (never been pg herself, of course!). I may just be being paranoid, but I don't want him thinking he can waltz in and out as I suspect that's exactly what he would do. I've said he is welcome to come one day a weekend and have the day with her here in my home town. He hasn't replied yet but I can't see anything more regular happening as he lives so far away. Hoping that will give me a day off at weekends

Errgghhh - that's so infuriating isn't it - when you know they're being fed ideas/lines by another woman. When I had a mc my XH came home from work full of his work colleague's experience of mc. I hated that woman and I'd never even met her!

I too wouldn't want him in the delivery room (he could stay outside and just come in when you are ready) and I think you're doing the right thing planning now. That way you can get whoever you do decide to have with you to come to NCT/relaxation classes etc so that by the time comes both you and your birth partner will be prepared.

As for access visits, he will definitely have to come to you and if you're bfing probably 1-2 hours will be the longest the baby can manage without a feed. Coffee shops, Surestart centre?

Hope it all goes well for you and I think you sound very strong and sensible to be thinking these things through now. Once you get it sorted it will give you peace of mind and then you can hopefully enjoy the rest of your pg and your little bundle when she arrives.

It's also pretty foul when the other woman feeding crap is their mother.

I hope all goes well for you.

Thanks guys. Yes, I would be trying to breastfeed so I guess the only way he could have her longer is if I express? Not really looked into all of that yet. I think I would probably miss her for more than a couple of hours to start off with anyway...as it will just be the two of us I wonder if I will be able to relax when he has her! I'm sure in time it will be a break I look forward to.
Funny you should say that about mothers - he forwarded her a strongly worded email from me to him the day after we split (in which I called him a sh*t) and said that even though she has never met me, she thinks she will not like someone who calls her son that! I thought I was being quite calm!

It is beyond comprehension how some mothers of bastard sons behave. It's no reflection on you, but every reflection on the way they brought their son up.

And try not to let any of this worry you at the moment. Baby is all yours for quite some time :)

I broke up with my EH when I was 8 mths prg - he wasnt at the birth - I could not have coped if he was (he left me for another woman) by best friend was, she had just had a baby so was a much more practical birth partner.
He did come to visit later that night (DD born 4pm) when all the other visitors had left - (didn't want him to bump into my parents etc.. )
I breast fed and found the next few months very difficult as I thought had to be present during his visits - this was very confusing and upsetting for me. Everything was very raw at this stage and I was still very heart broken. you will have had some time to get used to the split by the time your baby is born. My advice is to keep him at arms length until you have settled into motherhood/BF etc esp if he is the type to mess with your head. Sarjose is right he will have to fit into your routine - even if it is only 1hr visits in between breast feeds.
I hope it works out for you. My DD is 13 soon and the apple of my eye - she still sees her Dad regularly - we all settled into a 'blended family' routine when the dust had settled - but it did take a while.

You are doing exactly the right thing to think of yourself in this situation.
Of course you would like him to be involved but it really has to be at your and babys pace. You dont' even have to have in the hospital. Get that stress out of your head abd give yourself a chance to birth withour stress. good luck