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Lone parents

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Original poster

My son knows....:-(

15 replies

Allalone0 · 09/02/2011 22:42

Some of u may be familiar with my circumstances. I have been separated from ex 18mths now. He was abusive towards me right from the start, but i thought he would change.
Back in 2009 i felt something wasn't right and that something was that he was abusing our daughter. who is now 7 and half.

Have tried to keep this from my 2 older sons aged 14 and 11. as didnt want them to hate their dad. But have just found out that he knows the real reason why his dad and i dont live together. And that he has known a while. :-((
I feel so sad......:-((
I just dont know what to do.
Needed to spk to someone and theres noone i can talk to in RL except my counsellor. Who i wont be seeing till next week. :-(

OP posts:
hariboegg · 09/02/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hariboegg · 09/02/2011 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 22:56

i think truth is important at a level the DC can understand.

frankly if he has abused your dd he deserves to be hated/pitied/wahtever is most appropriate by his other DC. at least for his actions. why should you try and say he is an ok person when he done bad things?

but seek some advice from a family therapist on best way to deal for whole family

JustForThisOne · 09/02/2011 22:56

how did he found out? has he been speaking to dd?
What did he say and did he looked upset or was more matter of fact?
Do they both know? Was it the 14yr old who spoke to you?
Sorry to ask so many questions, feel free to ignore me if you feel it is too upsetting
Please do trust the fact that children often can be more resilient than we think when confronting harsh truths

Original poster
Allalone0 · 09/02/2011 23:27

Its the 14yr old. I was talking to him this evening. Me and him have always been very close, since he was little. And thats when he said he knew what the real reason is for the split. He didnt seem upset, more matter of fact. Not sure if hes bottling up. He said he didnt care if he never saw his dad. Could that be down to thje fact his a teen?? as he says he doesnty care to alot of things!
He said he found thats to big mouth over here. i thought when -arguing-'talking' i let slip. and that kids wont understand. But he certainly did. and he said he knew where i would take his sister every tuesday, to see her therapist. havent spoken to ds2 abt this. not sure what to do. whether i should bring it up or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Allalone0 · 09/02/2011 23:32

sorry for not making sense. I meant 'thanks to big mouth over here' and when ex and me were arguing i let slip and thought that kids wont understand but ds1 did.

OP posts:
earwicga · 09/02/2011 23:35

I think that at this point, your other two children now need some counselling. There is no way the other one won't find out, and they can't understand this on their own.

JustForThisOne · 09/02/2011 23:37

I have no experience whatsoever so take what i say with pinch of salt and ask therapist she will know best way dealing with dss (can you speak to her over the phone before next tuesday?)
Anyway what I was going to say is that maybe your elder son will tell your ds2, and if he did that of his own accord he most probably will find the right way to do so
I am just guessing really. But no I would not speak to ds2 before asking for advice.
Is your dd all right?
You should be very proud of yourself OP to have taken all the steps to help your dd and truly wish you and your lovely family all the best

Original poster
Allalone0 · 09/02/2011 23:39

Dd has had a yr of play therapy. Im currently seeing a counsellor. But my 2 sons. havent had anything. not sure if ds1 would be prepared to go and spk to someone.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/02/2011 23:45

go speak altogether with the counsellor you and the ds s

Original poster
Allalone0 · 09/02/2011 23:46

Justfor i dont feel proud at all. I just feel a huge amount of regret and like a big fat failure for having chosen him to be the father to my children. i wish i hadnt had them with him! :-((

OP posts:
earwicga · 09/02/2011 23:47

I hope your counselling will sort that feeling of guilt out for you. It's a natural feeling, but you aren't guilty at all. He is.

You got your kids out of this situation. Not everyone does.

nickschick · 09/02/2011 23:57

Hey now you are not allalone as your name suggests you have all us at mumsnet here for you and you have your dc,you are a strong woman.

I dont think it does children especially teenagers harm to see 'real life' and I know its not ideal you dont want him having to deal with these issues but hey you didnt anticipate all this did you?.

I am a fan of counselling if the person is ready to talk if not sometimes talking about stuff before filing it away mentally is a good way sometimes filing it away until you can cope is the best way - he will let you know what he needs- teens tend to deal with fact
fact a dad was wrong
fact b mum moved away - its v black and white for him.

Keep hugging and keep talking but dont you dare feel guilt,guilt is for stuff you could have changed and this wasnt something you could change.

You have been v brave and sometimes its ok to feel wobbly and need a bit of reassurance.

Original poster
Allalone0 · 10/02/2011 11:20

Thank you so much everyone for replying.
((((((HUGS))))

I had mixed feelings last night.
Sad that Ds1 knows, and at the same time abit of relief and lightness, that someone else in real life knows. God its mentally draining trying to keep things hidden.

i will try to speak to counsellor and see what she suggests. I suppose its better for Ds1 to see a counsellor ONLY if he feels he needs/wants to. Its helping me though.

He said of his own accord that he didn't care if he never saw dad!!!
Didn't quite know what to make of that.

Looking back he has for a while now stopped spending time with his dad. Every time his dad would suggest or ask if Ds1 wanted to go out somewhere with him, he would refuse point blank. But in a polite way, hes never been rude to his dad, although i can get abit of backchat from him.

If any of my kids had said they wouldn't care if they never saw me, I would be absolutely devastated. But his dad doesnt seem to care! No skin off his nose!!!
:(
Maybe thats JUST me!!!

OP posts:
JustForThisOne · 10/02/2011 20:13

if you feel up to it let us know how you get on with therapist, what advice she gives you. Also in regard with the middle one and what would be the best way to approach, if and when, the subject

You will have to understand if your son does not want to interact with his father out of loyalty, because he is very angry with him, or else. He is just hitting a very difficult stage of his life, he may be beneficial to push him a bit toward talking to someone about the way he feels.

Glad you feel more positive

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