What's wrong with me...? Could I have PND?

[TrueBlue11]

Hello everyone.

I'm new here & this question is probably going to open me up to some judgement, which I guess I'm prepared for.

But I'm having trouble with the whole being a mum thing.

Maybe it's because my partner left 12 weeks after my son was born. Or maybe because of the birth. I never really felt connected even from the birth. I needed an emergency C section. When they took him out & I heard his first cry, I felt the rush of love & emotion but they didn't bring him or show him to me for 22 minutes afterwards. The feeling had faded & disappointment had set in. By the time they brought him & were saying 'here's your baby', I was like, "Oh. Right."

I'm 24 & my pregnancy was unplanned. I had a full, fun life before but when I found out I was pregnant, I was happy, truly I was. I had a wonderful pregnancy. And the first 3 months after he was born were wonderful too. He was an angel. He even slept through the night.

But DS is 5 months now & something has changed in me the last 3 months. DS's father decided he wasn't cut out for it & left 12 weeks ago, we haven't seen him since. A lot of my friends have disappeared. And all of a sudden, DS is driving me insane.

Some days I love him desperately & others I don't want him anywhere near me. Some days I want to spend every second with him & others, just hearing him sets me on edge.

He moans, whines, winges, chunners, ALL the time. Every day, every second of every day. He's decided he'll only sleep for 4 hours a night. So I haven't slept in 3 months. He's never quiet, not even in his sleep, he talks & groans in his sleep & some days I go to bed at the end of the day with chronic jaw ache from grinding it that much because I've listened to him durge on & on & on & on for the last 20 hours. Even sat here now, he's sat on my lap watching me type & even though he's full, warm, dry & in my arms with a dummy & a toy, he's just monotone moaning & droning.

He hates toys. He has every toy there is, I sit & play with him for hours on end but when I leave the room for two seconds he screams bloody murder. And I get so annoyed thinking, "what, I can't even use the bathroom now?"

I know it's not his fault, this is just what babies do & there's no reasoning with them & that he loves me unconditionally, but the first thing I do in the morning, 5oclock every morning when I first hear that monotone whinge coming from his cot, is curl up & cry.

I think I'm in real trouble. I love my son so much & I don't want to be one of those women who resent their children for taking their lives away, but I think of the life I used to have & then I think of how it is now, I feel trapped. Trapped alone in this flat, with just this baby, with nothing but feeds, winds, nappy changes, bottle washes, laundry, drying & folding & I just can't do it anymore. I live for the time when my parents come over just so I can hand him over for just an hour. I spend days in pyjamas & don't leave the house because he has me running around & around in circles all day, a lot of friends I had are gone but the couple that I do still have, when they come round I'm deliriously happy that for a couple of hours I can have someone else coo over him & I cry after they've left.

I feel so guilty when I think of how many women would love to switch places with me but I'm desperately unhappy. The good feelings I had about being a mother in the first 3 months have all gone & even though I love him so much, all I think everyday now is I don't want this. I can't do it anymore, it's too much.

I hate myself for it. I cry constantly & I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why he drones & drones for 24 hours a day & why instead of thinking "what a beautiful sound my baby is making," all I can think is "for the love of God just shut up, just once shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up...." I'm not over exagerrating, he's NEVER quiet. Not even for a minute. How bad a mother am I if my own babies voice has started going right through me?

He's gets so resentful when I do anything other than attach to him constantly. Even now I feel like I don't want to be in the same room as him because he's screaming at me for taking 10 mins to type this post instead of dancing around in front of him.

Is there something wrong with me? Because I see other women with babies who are the same age as DS & they're so happy. Their babies don't make a peep, they laugh & smile but mine just cranks & whinges all day, even though I spend every second on him, every single split second, I play all day, feed all day, bathe all day, he has me every second but he's never happy & just want's & want's 24/7. He gets cold after cold & at these times he doesn't sleep, he physically fights & punches me away when I come at him with the nasal aspirator which I HAVE to do, otherwise he wouldn't breathe.

He's always sickly, he's always fighting & punching, I get covered in scratches & bruises because he hits & flails constantly, he's always moaning, he headbutts all the time, I had a nose bleed from a headbutt for half an hour once & he he was fine thank god, but he screamed the whole time I was spent bleeding over the kitchen sink because I was looking after myself & my nose & not paying attention to him instead. He's always ripping out handful after handful of my hair. Not that it matters anyway because for some reason I've started losing it anyway. Some have said it's stress.

I'm really losing my mind. Please help, advice, anything? Could I have PND? Because I thought I wanted to be a mum but I don't think I've ever been this unhappy in my entire life. I don't think I can do it anymore & I need to find a way to be happy with my life, for my son because at the minute I feel so much love for him, but at the same time I can't stand being around him either. And I don't want to feel like that anymore.

Am I the only one?

:( :( :(

Hi Trueblue I just wanted to say you are definately not the only one, you have had a rough ride so far and it's understandable that you are feeling this way, your partner has let you down and left you with the full responsibility(mine did the same). Having an emergency c section will have had an adverse effect ( I had one also) on the beginning of a brand new way of life. You may have PND or you may just be reacting to the many changes you have had to deal with alone. Ask for help, reach out to your friends and family,they will surely be only too happy to be there for you, you don't have to do it alone, I feel for you I really do and I hope someone with more experience will be along soon with some words of wisdom, hang on in there,things will get better xx

Oh dear Trueblue you do sound really down.

I think you must try to get some help with how you are feeling. You have been through a lot and may have some form of depression - not necessarily post-natal - but reactive depression.

First thing I think is to go to your GP and explain how you are feeling. They may well prescribe anti-depressants which I think would help you get through this hard period of your life.

Also I think you must make it your mission to get out everyday with the baby. In the week try Surestart centres locally for some support and also try to get to a few mother and baby groups. You need to mix with adults some part of the day and your DS will have something else to occupy him instead of just you.

You could also go swimming/exercise class/gym and put baby in creche for an hour to give you a break and exercise helps to lift your mood.

At the weekends do you have family that could give you a break for an hour or two? Or friends who would play with DS for a bit while you do something nice for yourself?

Is DS's Dad planning on maintaining a relationship with him? If so, perhaps you could get that sorted as a regular arrangement so that you know you will get some breaks.

In short, I think you need to get some breaks and take really good care of yourself. Then you will be in good shape to give DS what he needs. But don't be frightened to put him down even if he does cry, it won't do him any harm. (If you feel like you are losing control/in emergency, put baby in cot, shut door and go into another room for at least 10 minutes to calm down.)

Don't get too anxious about your feelings at the moment, I'm sure they are a reaction to all the things you have had to struggle with lately. Once you get a bit more time for yourself and feel more in control I'm sure your feelings will settle down.

Take care Trueblue, this is obviously a very difficult time for you, but it WILL get easier, promise.

Very sorry to hear what you're going through. Your feelings are understandable considering the fact that the burden of care for your son is almost 100% on you. How overwhelming! You're also dealing with the recent break-up of your relationship, and your son sounds like he's very difficult to soothe and demanding of your time.

Do you have anyone in real-life who you can talk to about your feelings? Might friends or family be willing to listen and help out more, if they knew you were struggling? More of a break each day would probably make a big difference for you and give you more balance in your life. At the moment it seems like your world is 100% about being a caregiver to your baby, which would be really difficult! We all need balance in order to feel fulfilled, and decent breaks.

I think going to the GP would help a lot - you could ask if there are any clinics in your area that can help mums who are struggling. I wonder if you're Australian (based on your username) - I am, and I know that in my city alone for example, there are quite a few mother and baby clinics that would be helpful and have plenty of useful programs. One good one is called "Circle of Security" and is all about enhancing and strengthening the relationship between you and your child - could be very helpful.

Like everybody says you need to reach out for help
You have had your life turned upside down twice, once by deciding to have this baby, twice been dumped in it alone.
Never mind, you can do it, and you are actually doing it already. Now is time to get as much help as you can.
Start tomorrow with making appointment with GP, HV and speak to nice couple friend and parents. Set regular time for you to get a break.
Go out with him as much as you can, you both need some fresh air, wrap up and go walking in a park,
Children normally settle better outdoor, they get distracted just by looking around the different scenery. You will also meet some other mums or nannies around just for a light chat. Which could be great or just pants. Do not worry if this scenario gives you the creeps (it might do to start with, I used to feel sick in my stomach chatting about baby poos and sore nipples) nevertheless it will do you an hell of a lot of good to breath fresh hair and have some adult interaction.

Just another practical advice, something I used to do when I was burned out I used to lie down and have my ds on my belly face down gave him plenty of massage on his back while with music in my headphones. If he still winges adjust volume accordingly

Once you have ruled out any health issues (his ped or HV will check on him and why he is winging so much)
remember you do not need to entertain him 24/7
that would drive anybody crazy be assured of that

Trueblue - are you OK? I see you haven't posted back am concerned for you.

I had PND and H left when DD was only 3 months old. If you need some support I would be happy to try and help