Stressful custody visits - can anyone help?

[MonkeyandParrot]

Just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom as I dread custody visits, they hang over me. My ex and I live 109 miles apart so meet half way for the day twice a month with the DCs(2 and 1). I have been suggesting overnight stays for months but he is reluctant. DD1 works out as soon as we get on the 'big train' that we are going to see Daddy(i never tell her before as he often cancels) and starts to get worked up and excited. Daddy is always late (anything up to an hour) so I have two over excited children on a cold train platform(and there is nothing child friendly within walking distance). DD2 always cries at the handover lunging back to me which I find difficult.He then rings me throughout the day to ask things about the kids - occasionaly we have to meet as DD2 is still breastfed and not reliant with solids due to health problems.I hate these mid day meetings as he will text me a place and time then again be up to an hour late and then spend the time telling me how much he misses 'his children'. The the train ride home is horrendus because DD1 is upset Daddy has gone and DD2 is hungry having spent most of the day without milk.
Both girls then regress for a couple of days - for example last Sat we meet Daddy and I had just got DD1 sleeping through the night. Sat, Sun and Mon night she took 3 hrs to coax into bed and then got up 3 times. This means she is overtired and grumpy.
Is there anyway of making this easier? Or dothey adjust better when their older? I am already dreading the next visit and secretly hoping he'll just cancel so I don't have to go through it again Obviously I wantthe DCs to have a relationship with their Dad and I do everything I can to facillitate that.
Apologies for long post :-)

Is it always you who has to do the travelling?
What type of thing do dc and dad do together?
I dont think I understand what do you do with your spare time, just hanging around or have friends/family to visit?

Obviously this process is unsettling for the children, and that needs to be your focus to justify changing arrangements. I suggest you document these changes in the children's behaviour with times and dates, and also his inconsistencies. (Him leaving you all hanging around waiting etc is unsettling all of you.)

Do you drive? Or do you have a friend who would be willing to drive you to a meeting point instead? (you could give him/her the train fare money for petrol.) And you could have some support that way too. The children would have less expectation that Daddy is at the other end. And if he's more than half an hour late, turn round and do something else with the kids then go home.

He is treating you all like sh*t, imho, by being constantly unreliable.

Don't get me wrong, I do see it's hard for him, too, to be suddenly looking after your two small children when you're out of touch with them.

But I think he needs to get his act together.

Well done for sticking with it.

Just thought, what kind of overnight stays have you been suggesting? It's with full credit to you that you have an alternative suggestion for these torturous day trips.

could you not arrange for your X to do the travelling - much easier for a single adult to do it rather than all the upset for the DCSs? Even tell him you will split the ticket costs - you are paying for your travel to get to the meeting place at the moment I presume? No advice on dealing with the aftermath though - my dc were like this for over a year every time they saw their dad - temper tantrums, bet wetting etc etc. Very hard and X never saw/believed any of it poor wee things. Just lots of hugs and reassuarances, my 2 are fine now although it's taken a long time - mine were older though so hopefully your dc will accept it all quicker. Good luck.

Have these visits been court ordered and have you been specifically told to do all the travelling?

If not (and I can't believe any judge would make you do this), send him a letter telling him that you will make the children available to be taken out for the day FROM YOUR HOUSE between x and x hours on x and x days, and if he is more than 15 minutes late you will assume he is not coming and do something else instead. He is using these visits to control, bully and humiliate you. Don't let him do that.

If he has amy interest in his children he will do the necessary. I suspect he won't, but that is not YOUR fault and in fact the sooner your children come to terms with the father they really have, rather than the pretend one you are helping to create, the better for them.

For thos that haven't read it clearly - they are sharing the travelling - meeting halfway.

I'm not sure how overnight visits would work if you are still bfing the younger child, and she is hungry after a day?

Would it be better to one visit, he come to you, the next you go there? That would still have you travelling equally, but would mean no waiting around in a random place?

will dd1 take a bottle? could you express milk for her? is she ok to have regular formula? have you had community dietician involvement in her diet for advice?

but it sounds horrendous for all of you all this train journeying...isnt viable long term??

and agree with otehrs who say he is using these visits to be unreliable on purpose...

Thanks everyone-

we meet halfway because of the distance, he would have less time with the kids if he had to travel all the way. Neither of us drive so are reliant on public transport - I pay for my travel and due to a tight budget couldn't just do something else with them.

We don't have a legal contact order - we drew one up with a mediator

I have offered overnight at my house - he could come, have both girls for the day then I would take DD2 to my parents and he could have DD1 overnight making the extra travel worthwhile but he has either just ignored this suggestion or said it doesn't suit without giving a reason.

I like the idea of one time him coming to me and one time me travelling to him but tbh I couldn't do a 3 hr train journey with 2 changes with 2 children and a double buggy! 1 hr with 1 change is bad enough.

And I have no idea what he does with the DCs - I get garbled accounts from my DD1 but I take what a 2 year old says quite lightly. She is very imaginative

DD2 will not drink formula (despite repeated numerous attempts) and I can't express (ditto numerous attempts). She has finally be referred to a throat specailst and dietician so fingers crossed that side will be solved.

MakeMine it's reasuuring to know that this is a normal response.I guess I'll have to wait a few years to get my bed back

you need to see a specialist feeding advisor usually a speech and language therpaist attached to hospital or community child development centre as well as dietitician.

what can DD2 eat/drink when away from you?

if it isnt practical for her to be away all day due to these issues then she cant. end of.

and you need to go back to mediator or write and tell dad this.

think of it as contact visits though not "custody" - it's called residence (who they live with) and "contact visits" .

without knowing the background it may not be good idea for ex to be in your house anyway. but is there someone else he could stay with?

longer term is there any reason other than cost why you cannot both learn to drive?

if your DD issues are long term you might be able to apply to family fund
www.familyfund.org.uk/
for funds for driving lessons . get a proper diagnosis for dd2 issue - it could open up some access to funding and support.

He can't say it doesn't suit without giving a reason. It might be money, but he's going to have to swallow his pride if this is the case, and be honest for the sake of the kids. Moneysavingexpert.com has lots of good advice about how to get train tickets very, very cheaply if you're booking far enough in advance.

TBH, I think your mediator should have seen this coming. You're doing a lot of travelling with two very small children, I don't think this should be happening every visit. Whoever has the children the majority of the time is already doing most of the hands-on stuff for the children.

You've trialled the idea you both came up with, it isn't working for a number of reasons. Time for a new solution. You could put this all in a letter to the dad (ie the effect on the children of the journey, the expectations, the after-effects of it all, and his lateness giving dates and times so it doesn't sound vindictive.) Suggest your own solutions within that letter. I don't think he'll agree to change it while you keep going along with the current arrangements.

It's the kids who should be at the centre of this, and they clearly aren't responding well. You've tried it all more than once, that shows your willingness to stick to the agreement.

Good luck! You don't need to do this anymore.

CestlaVive - she will drink water and with a lot of time and coaxing very pureed food but she is likely to throw it back up. She had reflux very badly as a baby and my HV thinks that is the problem and she should outgrow it. TBH I'm not worried as she can happily go 4 - 5 hours just drinking water and catch up at night and its just a case of waiting for her to outgrow it.

I think the contact time does need to be readjusted and I will take a deep breath and write to him. We are supposdly on civil terms but it tends to be as long as I do what he wants and I have been reluctant to rock the boat.

Thanks for the advice

If he moved away I'd make him do all the journeys.

you need to see specialists for your daughter - chewing solid food is so important at this age for development of speech. does she say any words?

my daughter threw up a lot of food as a baby too - but at one years old was able to eat limited but plentiful calories wise diet of petit filou, cheerios and milk!

well you have tried your best to facilitate these meeting but it aint working is it?
Can you go back to mediation (I dont know anything about it sorry if it is a silly suggestion) and figure out an alternative plan?
Really, he need to put more effort into this. Even if he will end up spending less time with dc, tough, but he will have make the journeys... me think

I too think that he should be doing the travelling, he is an adult and should be doing it not making young children do so especially at the end of the day when they will presumably be very tired and that alone would make a stressful train journey home.