need advice and have no one else to ask

[kirmcc]

i'm really sorry if this seems jumbled but i really need advice from people who have been here and i don't know how to word it except just to type it as the words come pouring out my mouth:)

i think this is the first time i've posted here so a bit of history- me and ex have been split since october 09 it was a mutual decision and very amicable until he met his current girlfriend 6 months ago. then things went wrong- i admit my feelings got a bit mixed up and i acted irrationally at times but i have dealt with that and apologised for it and have now completely moved on and very happy with my life at the minute:)

however since meeting the girlfriend exs contact with kids has become sparse- for the past couple of months its been once every two weeks if they are lucky- now he has no excuse he does not work and we live a 15 minute walk from him- he says he doesn't have the time but yet he sees the girlfriend 3/4 times a week.

this afternoon ex sends me a text to ask to phone him - he never has credit - so i did. he was asking about his girlfriend meeting the kids. when we originally started dating other people we agreed that after we had been with someone for 6 months then we would discuss the kids getting introduced to them. for me that was always a guideline and not set in stone that as soon as it hits 6 months then the kids get introduced.

however i do not feel that its the right time for the kids to meet her ,i have a couple reasons for this- i think he needs to work on his relationship with the kids build that up before he introduces someone new into their lives- our dd (7) misses him terribly and thats seen by a change in her behaviour whereas ds (5) appears to not really care about he fact that he doesn't see his dad- which to me is more worrying
reason 2- girlfriend hates me- all she sees is how i stop the kids being in their dads life (not sure how i do that when i go out of my way to make sure they see him as much as possible)- why would i want someone with such a dislike for their mother, in my kids life.

i have told ex these reasons and he has accused me of doing this to be spiteful and that i am jealous of their relationship.
now i have asked myself if this is the case and i really don't believe that it is! i get that she is important to him and so is the kids and obviously i know that they will meet her at one stage but i really don't think this is the right time- i am worried that once the introductions are done any time the kids do get with their dad will be with her aswell and tbh thats not what they need- they need their dad, dd especially:(

i need help is deciding what to do. ex is now saying he is refusing to see his kids until his girlfriend can meet them- do i give in to this ? if i give in on this point does that mean hes going to get away with this tactic for the rest of my life?? or do i stand my ground?

i have no other single parents to ask and i am so confused i have no idea what to do.
i know you ladies won't sugar coat it and tell me what i need to hear or what you have done in a similar situation:)

thanks for reading x

Firstly, there is nothing you can do.

He sounds like a complete moron and so i can see why you would feel un-easy about all of this but I really think that you need to stand back and look at the situation a fresh.

Is thi swoman any actual risk to the children? Ok, so their relationship with their dad is crap, and he and hi sgirlfriend will probably never add anything of any value to these kids lives. But you must absolutely just let go of your worries.

You have no control over whom their dad introduces them to and the more het up about it you get, your negative energy will rub off on the children.

Just be a good mum to them. The power of that will see them right.

I know this will be hard for you (i have been there myself with 1st husband) but you need to let them go,keep yourself busy while they are gone,smile sweetly as you hand them over etc...you will come to enjoy the time they are with their dad,much needed time to relax,see a friend etc...good luck,it does get easier x

You have no control at all over this, it's entirely his business!!!!

Is she a risk to the dc??

thanks ladies:)
i have no problem with them going to their dads i love getting the break to be honest but i guess what i am seeing from your replies is that i am worrying too much about the quality of the time they see with their dad.

i guess i shouldn't worry and that its his problem if he has a shitty relationship with his kids, by biggest concern with them getting introduced was that he barely sees them as it and if the girlfriend was there there would be more competition for his attention but thats his problem i guess and i should just be there to pick up the pieces.

and no i don't think shes a risk - well outwith the girlfriend and their dad smoking near the kids but thats a battle i lost (well with him smoking infront of them) a long time ago

Often that's our jobs; to pick up the pieces.

God luck with being the bigger and better person in all this, you sound like a great mum.