Raising Children from an emotionally abusive marriage

[LunarRose]

I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage 2 1/2 years ago. ExH say DC (now 5 and 3) up until nearly a year ago when DD said that exH has hit DS (Ds has SN so can't say anything).

Will fully admit that I can't really talk about ExH much and have now realised how much this is impacting on dd's ability to talk to me. I have always assumed ExH and DD relationship was good but am now starting to wonder.

does anyone have any experiences that might help? How I help her? and generally raising children of abusive exs. are there any good books.

realise there lots going on with her at the moment (coping with SN brother, Divorce, not seeing her dad and so on) and feel like I'm playing catch up

she is only five right? or is she the younger one?

you can ask GP for referral to family therapy - or depending where you live there may be local family therapy service you can self refer (there is a centre near me in london for example).

i have DS1 with SN 14 cant talk and DDS now 10 and 8. exP (MH issues) attacked DS in 2007, was violent to me in 2007 and 2008, towards a carer in early 2010 and has not had contact with Dc since october after he attacked DD2. not a good record. am struggling as exP being pushy and agressive, demanding contact etc.

not found any good books to be honest.

maybe we need to write one... the issues are touched on in freedom programme books etc

"normal" divorced parenting books dont really cover it.

but i have found seeing counsellor helps.

Not much advice but totally understand - was going to post something similar.
My and my DD's experience is a bit different and perhaps not as abusive, I don't know.....

My daughter is 4 n half
Me and the mostly emotionally/verbally and throwing stuff/grabbing/pushing physically abusive ex split up just after her 3rd b'day. He'd threatened to murder us both in our beds if I didn't 'shut up' when I asked him where he was going at 1.30am. Alcoholic type.

She said this morning eating breakfast out of the blue 'daddy and you were fighting and he made you cry and I said stop it'
I've been sort of pretending that it wouldn't have affected her but that's the fourth time she's mentioned it since the split (1 n half years plus but the more she mentions it the more I worry)

It worries me like you what she witnessed and also what he did to her without my knowledge.
From what I know because he told me/ I was there: He did leave her in a car asleep whilst in a pub then had to smash the windows to get her out.(he said it locked whilst he was going from front of car to back but I found out the truth from others).

And another time he started a fight right infront of both of us with another man. And I remember him showing me how he got her to sleep 'close your eyes now' he'd say/sneer right up in her face, no book etc....(I worked a few days long hours and past her bedtime). This all happened in the last couple of months before i told him his behaviour was completely unacceptable and I was becoming worried about her safety with him.

I also wonder what to do - are there any mums who have dealt with this with their kid's? Do I ignore it, play it down? Do I question her further? Usually she talks about her daddy with love and affection, but has very little contact with him(his choice).

I'd like to protect her in the future from him by giving her an honest account of the relationship we had, but I don't want to take away the nice little fantasy she has of a nice loving daddy. Also I want her to know it is never acceptable for a man to physically manhandle a woman or a child etc.

I too am confused .... anyone with experience of this further down the line?

Do we get them to talk about stuff or do we just reassure them it's over now etc etc. Do they ever forget this stuff? I didn't realise she remembered much of it.

Perhaps as they get older they vocalise it better and can communicate what happened better and therefore we shouldn't pump them for info but wait for them to volunteer it bit by bit....and discuss it then...

Sorry about the ramble and the hijack but I have been worrying about this for a while. The time before she saw a man and woman arguing on telly in a domestic abuse situation - I know she shouldn't have seen it but casualty was on in the background and we were up later than ever before - and started to get upset about daddy and got really confused and cried and said 'I love daddy' after saying 'daddy was mean to you' and I was really torn at her confusion. I can't stop thinking about it since, about what I should do and then this morning happened and I'm dreading her saying something to him when he bothers to phone her next month or whenever....

I'm sorry for jumping on the band wagon but was gearing myself up for posting something for a while.
I sort of end up blurting this stuff out because I tell people in RL bits of it but never get to talk about all of it.
To be honest I'm also worried because for the last 6 months plus he was exposing himself to my mum in the house. i had no idea until we split up - we lived in a converted apartment under my mum's house.
So also worried about her in that sense... but didn't have any inklings at the time from her and she hasn't mentioned anything like that, either witnessing it or anything else.
I'm quite ashamed of it all really and have sort of tried to brush it all under the carpet....until I come on here!!

Read Lundy Bancroft's "When Dad Hurts Mom" [[http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Dad-Hurts-Mom-Witnessing/dp/0425200310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297374228&sr=8-1 here}}

Very good book on how to help your children and yourself deal with the aftermath of abusive relationships.

Blurb says "Nearly three-quarters of women who are chronically mistreated by their partners have children. In this sensitive, respectful book, counselor, speaker, trainer and activist Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) gives those women ways to help their children heal from the pain of seeing such abuse. Using anecdotes, Q&As, bulleted "points to remember" and a caring but firm tone, Bancroft tells abused mothers exactly what actions they should take to help their children. Don?t blame children (or yourself), he says, and let children know it?s good to talk about the verbal or physical abuse they?ve been exposed to. Bancroft coaches moms to tell their children abuse is wrong, but warns them not to criticize the abuser as a person if he is a father-figure to the children. Bancroft?s important book addresses peripheral issues, too, such as the effects of separation and divorce, and dealing with child protective services and the family court system. "

HTH

Sorry, messed up link - here

Thank you for the messages all - will look up the link!
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