Ds finding it hard to cope

[Singlediva]

Ds is finding life difficult at the moment.

Dh left us about 4 months ago, we were married for 17 years, and has moved into a flat nearby. Ds sees him 2 or 3 nights a week and also talks to him on phone. But is it difficult to except that his dad isn't still living with us. It was dh who instigated the split, he just fell out if love with me and wanted a different life. Dcs have know about him going for about 7 months but it came as a shock as we never rowed and seemed happy.
Ds is also having problems at school, he is in year 6.
A number of boys who he thought were his friends have been picking on him, calling him names and trying to upset him. Ds won't give me details but us very upset about going into school. He has tried all kinds of excuses not to go in, illness, sayings he's hurt his foot etc. He eventually told me he was being bullied and I went to talk to his teacher. His teacher spoke to ds but they decided it was just a bit of 'ribbing' and that ds was feeling down so it seemed much worse to him. Since then it seems to have escalated and on the mornings ds doesn't want to go in he can become almost hysterical, he screams and cries. On Friday he said he hated me and was going to runaway.

He doesnt want me to go back and talk to his teacher ( who is deputy head) as he us convinced it will make things worse and they will start hitting him. He still won't give me details about what they are doing, he just talks generally.

I think it is getting to the point where I go into school anyway as ds cannot solve this on his own. Has anyone had experience of this?
Ds is usually no angel himself and I feel he would have been able to tackle this himself when it began if he wasn't feeling so vulnerable about dh going.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Firstly, you are coping to adjust to a life which is foreign to you. 17 years is a very long time and as you had a stable relationship (no rowing etc) your child probably felt very secure and now his world is turned upside down. Having been a single mum myself, I know that children are more resilient that we think. Your situation rings a bell with me as my own daughter was being bullied becuase she had really bad acne. She wouldn't talk to me about it but her sister told me. It resolved itself and she toughened up a bit because of the experience but I can remember feeling terrible that firstly she couldn't discuss it with me and secondly, the anger I felt toward the kids for teasing her. However, years on, I see that it was teasing and not bullying and as a mum of grown up children, I have become concerned about no differentiation between teasing and bullying. There is a tendancy to overact to it and it's important to understand that there is a difference and kids can be horrible to one another - that's always been the case and always will. It's part of growing up. It sounds as though you and your husband are doing everything that you can to ensure that stability is in your DS's life and I would just continue as you are. Remind your DS that you are always available for a chat about anything, keep an eye open for any decline in mood but I think this phase will likely pass and this is just one of the character building situations that kids must go through to ensure that they become resilient adults that can cope with what life has in store for them. Trouble is, it's really hard for any parent to acknowledge that they cannot make everything right for their children.

Hey, i'm sending you big cyber hugs - i'm going through the same and it's not easy. The constant struggle to get your child to school doesn't half wear you down and the guilt that you can't change things for them...! I don't think we can take away the pain that the kids are going through with the seperation, we can just support them the best we know how. Hopefully time will be the best healer and once through this, our Dc will have deepened compassion for others who are hurting! That's what I try and tell myself anyway, that this will pass! I find it so hard that at a time when my children need me most, I am in emotional turmoil myself and not able to think straight half the time. It is so easy to give in and let my Ds stay off school but I know this is the worst thing for him. So I have to be strong and make him go when he really doesn't want to, when I want to wrap him in a blanket and keep him home! I have spoken with the school and told them about the home situation and they know that he is vulnerable just now, that his security has been lost. Hope it helps to know that you're not alone! Take care of yourself.