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Original poster

child maintenance and access advice please!

16 replies

ladyjadey · 04/02/2011 20:40

ok, here goes.....

I have a baby who is now nearly 6 months. Her dad does not want to know which is fine by me as he is a waste of oxygen. He last saw her when she was 4 days old. He has no contact with us and pays us no maintenance. He is not named on her birth cert as I did not want him to have automatic parental responsiblity as I did not think he deserved it, since then he has proved he doesn't as he has not been in touch at all.

I could really use some child maintenance from him, I am struggling atm as I also have another daughter (not his) and am on SMP. I need to move to a bigger house so the kids can have their own room and I can't afford to at present. I am worried that if I go to the CSA he will be granted PR and will suddenly demand access if he has to pay for her although at present he doesn't give a damn. Does anyone know what rights I have and what he has if he pays maintenence? I would, in all honesty, rather struggle than take his money to support her if it means he will be in and out of her life, messing her about and upsetting her. He has another daughter who he pays CSA for and he sees irregularly. I saw the way he treated and spoke to her and it was far from good. I don't want that for my baby, I need to know she is safe, secure and cared for.

OP posts:
BringOnTheGoat · 04/02/2011 22:15

This is only my personal opinion- but I think either you want his money and willing to put up with him in DD's life or not - anything in between seems odd to me. But that's just IMVHO - others may have actaul advice Smile

Rhadegunde · 04/02/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 04/02/2011 23:28

thing is, he was welcomed into her life and chose not to be there. I just don't want him messing her around. If him supporting her means she gets upset we can do without. I don't want to risk upsetting her, if he is not gonna be around then fine, we are ok without him.

OP posts:
bestmamaderwelt · 05/02/2011 00:15

BOTG i cant understand HE hasn't wanted to be there, and after six moths with out contact i think it would be fair to assume its not going to be a reliable and steady relationship. Does this mean he shouldn't have to pay for a child he created?

Its not about lady needing the money its about whats best for a child, and if he cant support her in any other way he should at least be contributing financially.

gillybean2 · 05/02/2011 08:36

My ds's father didn't offer any financial or emotional support and walked away (has never seen ds and doesn't want too).

I gave him 6 months to do the 'right thing' of his own accord and support his child. It was clear he was never going too.

He does now pay something (not as much as he should but we won't go there) but he still refuses any and all contact with ds. I had to fight quite hard to get any kind of money out of him but it makes such a big difference to ds's life in terms of the extras I can give him.

OP does your dd1's dad support her? If not you should be chasing them both up imo!

ChocHobNob · 05/02/2011 09:48

There is going to be a chance that once you start CSA proceedings he will want contact, for what ever reason. You don't really have any rights yourself, your child does. And their right is to have both parents in their life so if he tried for contact in the future via the courts, he could get it unless he is seen as a risk to the child. Unfortunately, just not seeing them for a period of time may not be enough to stop contact. It would start slowly but contact could happen, especially if it's when the child is still young.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 05/02/2011 12:33

DD1's dad has contact and pays through CSA, I gave him plenty of chances to pay but after 18 months he had paid 20 quid. Now he pays 40 a week. More fool him I only asked for 20!

I realise it's not about me, it's about what is best for DD2. When I talk about rights it is her interests I am thinking of. I would like to be able to provide more for her, things like having her own bedroom and places to put her things instead of being in my room. I worry that if I pursue him through CSA he will decide he wants contact, which I know will be hit and miss. I also know he will likely deny she is his. I don't want to cause her unnecessary emotional distress with him turning up once every 6 months, I would rather he just not bother at all. The last contact was when she was in hospital just a few days old having IV antibiotics for a very nasty eye infection. He text me saying he couldn't handle it and his exact words were "you look after her". He did not even bother to find out if she was ok and no contact at xmas. His other daughter has stayed at his house when I was there the following morning. He had no clean bed for her to sleep in, no toilet roll and no food in for her breakfast, not even anything for her to drink. I don't want my baby having to put up with that, in my book that is abuse through neglect. If going to CSA means he will go to court for DNA and get PR I won't do it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 12:37

he could get the PR anytime tho,without CSA involvement.....its really simple. so if he wants contact,really wants it,he could just fill out a few court forms

accrss and maintenence are not linked in anyway

Original poster
ladyjadey · 05/02/2011 12:40

thing is, I know if I leave it and don't chase him for cash he will very likely forget she exists and not bother at all.

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 05/02/2011 12:51

DNA test and going to CSA doesn't give him PR. He would have to go to court for PR if he's not on the birth certificate and you weren't prepared to give it.

Maintenance and contact are unrelated. Just because you ask for maintenance doesn't mean he would autimatically get contact (should he want it).

If he refuses to pay maintenace you simply go to CSA and get them to assess and collect it.
If he wants contact and you refuse to give him what he asks then he would have to take you to court to get a court order. And that's whether he pays maintenacne or not.

Don't assume that one automatially means the other. So he could equally go to court for contact and still not pay any maintenance voluntarily...

want2sleep · 05/02/2011 18:47

Maintenance and access is seperate, however some think because they are paying they might as well see dc.

Your ex could ask for PR say when dd is 7yrs old and have not paid a penny support.

Your dd is entitled to the money and needs it. Why do so many dads think if they don't pay they don't have to spend time with dc? After all it's there child not a film at the cinema or Pay per view on Sky!?

coldtits · 05/02/2011 18:57

If you can possibly do without the money, I would, if there is a risk he will take you to court and demand access in order to get his maintenance reduced.

After the way you've seen him treat his other child, I'd want him to forget all about it and go away, in fact, I'd be consideirng starting a 'rumour' that she isn't his if it means he will go away forever.

I'm not sure about the morality of my stance though.

want2sleep · 05/02/2011 19:15

wouldn't start a rumor as it may add fuel to fire about it and your 'charchter' will be questioned if ended in court for PR if lie found out.

Ex may be hell bent on finding out if he was or wasn't so could also make it worse. I know it gives some ex's the gold ticket coldtits and I actually thought about it with my ex to get rid asap...but ex did test behind my back which is fraud/assult and again police dont do anything.

I have an ex who attacks me at every opportunity so I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. So I aint the best to give advice, but things can get very very frightening fast.

I always pray that 'out of sight, out of mind' will work one day!

Original poster
ladyjadey · 05/02/2011 22:19

My stance on things so far has been that the less I have to do with him then the better for my baby (and me too) and I don't want his money, in fact i want nothing from him ever again! Its just right now it would come in handy and be lovely for her to have her own room and somewhere to keep her toys and clothes instead of being in my room. To be honest, I think the best thing I can do is forget about it and get on with it solo as I have done up til now. I wasn't sure where we stood legally, thanks for clearing it up ladies but I think to protect my little girl I need to stay well clear. It's what I have thought all along it's just when times are hard I do wonder if there are easier ways! However, having a bit of extra cash is not ultimately worth putting my daughters welfare at risk. She might not have a lot of stuff but at least she is safe and well cared for.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyjadey · 05/02/2011 22:19

And thankyou all for your replies!

OP posts:
amberleaf · 05/02/2011 22:31
Biscuit

Im actually surprised im the first to offer one.

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