Failure

[josie0101]

Hey, i've never posted on a webchat before but it seems like a good idea just now.

I have been separated from my husband since April 2010. We have 2 boys, 12yrs and 10yrs. They don't see their dad very often as he works abroad and sometimes just doesn't contact us when he's home. When they do see him, it's like holiday time and they love it so much. He takes them out and spoils them etc but then he disappears out of their lives again for a while and they are left bereft.

As a newly single mum, I can't shrug the feeling of being such a failure to my kids. Watching the pain they've gone through in the last 9 months has been awful and I don't seem to be able to help them. My eldest has been really depressed and angry and it's had such an affect on his schooling. Today, his guidance teacher phoned to ask me to come and see her as his attendance has been low and he often arrives late. I know I have really failed him by not getting on top of this problem and i'm worried about what the school are going to say. He's usually a bright boy who works hard and achieves a lot but since he joined secondary after we moved home in July, he's really hated being at school. It was hard for him as he had to leave his friends and move 120 miles away but I had little option as my ex threw us out of our home.

I usually manage to stay positive and upbeat and take things day by day but the problem with my eldest is getting me down. He doesn't like to talk overly and has a tendency to want to protect me which I constantly tell him not to. He also hates a fuss or confrontation and will not talk with his teachers unless forced.

To top all this, he has to cope with his brother being ASD (autistm) which can be pretty disruptive to family life. A lot of my time is spent taking my youngest to appointments and sorting out problems at school or home. I guess my eldest feels like he doesn't matter anymore. He talks about wishing he were dead cos it'd be easier and wants to lie in bed all day.

Does anyone have any helpful words of advice or see any way to help him?

I hope someone who can help you more comes along soon.

Don't feel like a failure when you are doing your best, you're all going through tough times which would be easier if you had more support. Is there a chance that you and ds1 can spend some time together alone. Maybe some of his feelings are just teenage angst but you have recognised that there are problems so that's a start.

Not sure I can help but I do understand how you feel. I am divorced with boys the same age as yours and it is really tough.
Firstly, you havent failed. You have an awful lot on your plate it seems and the first year is the toughest.

Is your eldest managing to make friends at school? Does your eldest have any interests that you can cultivate. It is a good way of him making friends.

We moved just before my ex left us and my Ds2 really struggled for the first term due to lack of friends. A year on he is flying.My youngest took up climbing this year and he also made it into a couple of teams and it transformed his life. the school might be able to help. I felt rather embarassed telling the school their dad had left us but they were really supportive and looked out for my children in the early months.

Can you get a babysitter for your DS2 occasionally and take your eldest out alone? I have a rule that we will spend time doing each boy's favourite activity each week, sothey both get some time doing what they like best.

If you think he is really depressed, and he might be given your change in circumstances, then i would also talk to your GP, maybe alone at first to see what they can do.

Hope this helps, keep posting if it is useful

Thanks Jenroy29 and elastamum.

I agree that spending one-on-one time with him may be the answer as well as getting him into some clubs etc. Hopefully the school will be supportive when I see them next week.

Unfortunately, I don't know many people where I live and due to my son's autism, babysitters are difficult to set up. I will think about a way though to spend more time with my eldest.

I think the change in our circumstances have hit us all hard as it came out of the blue. Our lives just suddenly changed (ex was living a double life and took off with everything to his life in Russia where he'd been working). I didn't have a clue until the day it happened (sounds stupid, doesn't it?!).

My eldest has gone through stages of 1-being overly ok, 2-very angry and now 3- depressed/couldn't care about anything. When I suggest him inviting friends round or going to nthe local football training, he's not interested. Now that i'm writing this, it seems to me it could just be this stage of his grief at what's happened. Hopefully it'll pass.

Thanks so much for replying. It's great to hear that the first year is the worst. Hopefully that'll be true for me too.

How come you could not stay in your family home?
What it your choice to move away to be closer to family?
Wishing you all the best

I think you're right OP, these do sound like stages of grief. It might really help him to talk to someone out of the family who's neutral - school mentor or GP might be able to refer.

One thing that struck me about your post was where you say your DS1 is protective and you constantly tell him not to be. Be careful you are not unintentionally rejecting the way he is trying to show you his love. Maybe responding with aren't I lucky to have such a lovely, mature son type phrases will help him build confidence and feel appreciated.

And stop beating yourself up OP. You haven't chosen this deliberately have you? The fault lies elsewhere. Fair enough if the marriage was over for your X but he seems to have gone about splitting up with no thought or consideration for you or your DCs. That's his fault not yours.

I also don't think you should feel like you've failed. Your DCs are going to inevitably spend time grieving and adjusting. They'd be inhuman not to. You are not a failure because they have to do that. You are doing your best trying to support them.

Me and my teenage DS moved out just over a year ago. Have been thro some tricky phases with DS but since xmas he seems to be doing much better. I'm sure your DSs will have more good days than bad soon.