What to tell my 8 yr old about split.

[Maybee]

To cut a long story short my x husband cheated on me then lied among other things so I have left him. We have 3 sons 8, 3 and 1.
Anyway as I told my x to leave he blamed me for the split. It happened in Oct. Our ds found out in Nov when his dad told him v abruptly. He is coping well most of the time. We have told him that it is not his fault, we both love him our love has changed etc. However he asks me why a lot. I'm moving back to NI where I am from in a month or so with the boys and he says he will not leave his dad. His dad will come and see the boys once a month. However I think this will damage my relationship with my son. Should I give him an age appropriate version of the truth? If so what should I tell him?

I would be honest. Yes an age appropriate version - 'Daddy wanted to be with another woman and that hurt my feelings.' Then I'd be quiet and let him ask questions - which will guide you in how much to tell him. Just answer the questions as simply as you can but honestly. Finish up with more reassurance - we both still love you, it was nothing you did etc.

I know it's really heart breaking when they get upset but try not to yourself. If you can stay calm then he'll feel more able to ask about anything that's bothering him.

WRT him saying he won't leave his Dad, can you write down on a 'special' calendar the dates his Dad will come over? Can you also have some trial runs before you go of skype/email/text or other techy ways they can keep in touch at a distance?
Good luck.

Hmm, I don't agree with pickgo's age appropriate version of "Your dads hurt me so much that I can't live with him anymore ..." OK how is an 8 year old going to process that message?

Perfect if you want your child to be thinking, how could my Dad hurt my Mother so much, why did he hurt my Mother, will he hurt me as well? Urrrrgh!!!!!!!!

It's really sad when relationships don't work out, everyone is hurt when all the hard work and effort and love is just irrevocably broken. Maybe if you can agree with your X what message would be best to help you child understand that the breakup doesn't change either your or your X's love for the children.

The trial runs on Skype is a good idea and worth looking into.

Upping sticks and distancing the lad from his Dad wh he doesn't want to leave seems a little severe, isn't there another course of action you could take?

Well I'm not suggesting that OP is brutal or runs down his Dad, but if her explanation isn't based on reality the child will sense it even at 8. I think DCs are very very good at knowing the score. They might not be able to express it or discuss it but their bullshit radars are acute IME. It's only adults who like to pretend children live in a rose-tinted version of the world.

Afterall, why should OP defend DC's Dad when he has cheated on her and it's been his action that split the family up? However you express it non-judgementally to a child, it is a shit thing to do to your family and even young children can see that.

But please OP, if you feel this isn't right for your DS, discount it of course.

Gosh please please don't follow the advice about him wanting to be with another woman. That is adult stuff and could be damaging.

Suffice to say at age eight that mum and dad dint want to live together any more.

Also please re think about moving... You will hurt your children by distancing them from their dad. Is it the only option?

But if OP says she didn't want to live with her xh, that they equally decided, surely her DS's response will be to blame her if he doesn't want to move. And why should she have to jeopardise her relationship with her DS when it's been her xH's decision? (presumably - might be way off ball here) Also isn't it better for DS if he knows he's got one parent left that puts the DCs first?

I also don't think she should reconsider moving to be with family that will support her in order to stay near a man who has split his family up by betraying his wife. The DCs will do better with a loving extended family to help care for them and a happier mum.

you're making a lot of assumptions there.

This was said to me, aged thirteen about my parents issues. It messed my head up a lot. It's stuff between two adults not for children to worry over.

Putting your kids first means making sure you don't involve them in things that are too adult for them as well as preserving the childs parental relationships even if one of those parents has emotionally hurt the other.

I have thought long and hard about moving closer to my family which was going to be the longterm plan with x before we split anyway. He comes from N America and we live in Scotland. It is not a decision I have taken lightly at all. However juggling a job and 3 young children with no family support is really tricky even when we were together. So I am convinced that it will be better for everyone longterm. We go regularly and my sons will have cousins and a granny and lots more support in every way. The early stages will be tricky for our eldest child. My x is a teacher so will get good hols. Anyway I am not here to justify that decision. my dilemma is what to tell our eldest son.
The plan was to sit him down and tell him together after Christmas however In November when I told x he would need to move on after what had happened and he couldn't stay here, he flipped and told our son I was kicking him out. Our son was v distraught for a few days and I bit my tongue and stuck with the story that our love had changed but we love him etc etc. His dad however tried to get sympathy from ds as he was (allegedly) sleeping on a pal's couch. However our son kept begging me to phone him and let him back home. he did come to see the boys and still does 4 times a week.
Anyway I now wonder if ds needs a bit more honesty. eventually when he is older he may ask and will he feel annoyed not to have been told the truth? I do not want to damage his relationship with his dad but feel that getting all the blame is not fair on me and may damage our relationship. However the most important thing is making it easier for ds. We were back together on a 2nd chance for him (not infidelity just lack of responsibility before)The only reason ds is reluctant to go is that his dad will be here. Unfortunately his dad has a v flaky side and could v well leave and go back to N America too. Then what?
Anyway I've googled and read all sorts of advice but really don't know which way to go. He does need a bit more info than he has just now but how can I explain without muddling his head?....Aaaargh

I do not want to damage his relationship with his dad but feel that getting all the blame is not fair on me and may damage our relationship.

I know it's for the best of resaons OP, but I think you risk depriving your son of his faith in both parents if you don't fill him in a bit more.

You don't have to slag your xH off just be minimally factual then wait for any questions. I think you've got to trust that in the longer run it will be better for your DS even though he will be upset at first. That seems to be what your instinct is saying?

I think it's overly precious to say it will damage him to say your X wanted to be with someone else. That's what happens in the real world. It may not be consistent with a cosy middle class view of children, but it happens doesn't it? And we get over it.

IMHO it's more damaging to let him think his mum has split his family up on what must sound like a whim to him, that 'your love has changed'. He needs to know why and understand it has not come out of thin air and that he can still trust and respect you.

But go with your instincts OP. You know your son best.

Thanks pickgo, I agree that I definitely do not want him thinking that I've split up the family on a whim and that is one of my fears. However x now swears that he has left the ow anyway. It may be fact or fiction my x doesn't tell the truth. So it isn't as clear cut as saying that he is with someone else and an eight year old won't get a fling (nor should he). I get so mad that my x has rained all of this on us. We got together again when ds was 3.when x promised he'd do anything to get the unit back and would be responsible etc. My fear was not that it would not work for me. I'm glad we tried as i now have 3 fab sons but ds was such a well adjusted child used to 2 parents living separately that I dreaded him ever getting hurt if it failed. For nearly 5 years it seemed to be so smooth until this!
Anyway I agree with a lot of what you are saying I'm just not sure how to word it. I do not want him facing any more reality than necc. I phoned Parentline but they don't have a 24hr service. My ds is 8 and a half but is pretty perceptive.

Perhaps if you said that you and dad had a disagreement on something and it upset you very much and that daddy is upset too. That it is a grown up disagreement and nothing to do with them and you will both always love them no matter what.

Then go with something like... that because you are both angry and sad with each other it makes you both cross and say unkind things about each other (like when dad said you had kicked him out that was an unkind thing to say but dad was angry and that's why he said it). Explain that it is different when grown ups get upset like this and that there is nothing they can do that would ever stop you loving them.

Explain that you (parents) don't want to make each other unhappy and sad any more so you have decided to live in different houses so you can both take care of them without being sad and grumpy about the disagreement you had. That dad will come to see them at your new house and that they will go and stay with dad sometimes too.

Then ask if he has any questions or anything he wants to talk about. And if (as its quite likely) he says no (or if it involves something unrelated like can he go watch tv!) then ensure he knows that if he does think of anything he can ask you at any time.

It is likely he will come and ask you something at some point.

There is honest and there is honest without needing to involve your dc in things that they shouldn't be privy to at their age which may affect their relationship with you both. When he is older your ds1 will see things more as they really are, but for now he need sto feel safe and secure in you both with all the changes that are going on in his life.

So much as you'd like to ensure that he knows you are the injured party, it's just not worth the fall out the whole truth will have at this point.