How does this whole part time dad thing work?

[featheredheaven]

I am a lone parent to a 6 month old DD. Her father and I were never together, she is the happy result of a drunken one night stand. He was not involved at all throughout the pregnancy and we became in contact again at the beginning of the new year.
This is not about the financial side of things. I am in the fortunate position to be able to provide for my daughter without his help so that doesn't come into it for the time being.
It's important to me they have a relationship, I just don't know what the first steps should be. He's unsure about the whole thing so we've done a paternity test to not only put his mind at ease but to give him some time to think things through. I've said I will contact him when the results come through. Just to clarify there is no doubt he is the father.
Any advice?

what type of person is he? is he reasonable? Do you feel that he will contribute in a significant way to your dd life?
If is ok than you will be discussing together what type of commitment he will have. If he is a bit of a tosser that I would keep access to a minimum, that could increase with time and dd age.
As a rule of thumb ''start as you mean to carry on''
(keeping in mind that when he will get his own family interest in dd may fade away by the time your dd will be more reliant on him
Is he prepared to pay his deeds? You may not need his financial help but it will be good for your dd to know her dad looked after her to some extent. You could set the money aside for her education, holiday or big treats.
This are my thought but have no experience because I took the decision of no involvement whatsoever till my ds is older (much older) which is very sad indeed but had to be done

I feel like he is reasonable, my gut instinct is he's a good person. We have mutual friends who also say good things about him. But I'm not sure if this will translate into him having a positive relationship with DD.
May I ask what drew you to the decision of no involvement?
I guess my ideal would be for him to have a consistent relationship and take an interest in her. But I don't know how to build that because I don't want to start involvement and then have him change his mind.
I would like him to contribute financially if he is involved in her life. But at the moment the money isn't my priority. Maybe they come hand in hand though, as a sign of commitment.

I did not want any financial help so I can understand that, but actually access and maintenance to not go hand in hand AT ALL.
Consistency is the best option so when you speak to him may be it is wise to agree to very little access to start with, once a month (?) do it while she is so young that would not remember if he fled ifswim
My situation was very different, I had no choice, he was not reasonable (to put it kindly)
Some others who have regular access under similar circumstances would come along and will advice you I am sure

I'm in practically the same position as you although my DS is only 6 weeks.

My first thought is let him make at least some of the advances when the DNA test comes back.

I was going mad at my baby's dad when he didn't bother to come and see his DS for three weeks after he was born (I've known this guy 10 years, but it was basically a one night stand). As soon as I "gave up" trying to make him visit, he made arrangements to come over, has been twice more since, and stayed overnight once (in the spare room!)

It's a good start, but I genuinely don't think you can tell whether these guys will make good fathers in the long run - that's up to them. All you can do is give them a chance and attempt to foster good feelings between the three of you. We have talked a lot about the things DS will be able to do with his dad when he's older, as that's often when they get more 'interesting' to a lot of men.

I've not rushed off to the CSA yet either. I'd prefer for him to bond with DS and then want to contribute voluntarily. I haven't ruled out CSA help forever though.

I think that's true about the baby becoming more interesting as they get older. I know he's looked at photos of her (i'm guessing on a mutual friends facebook) but he still seems to have managed to distance himself. He won't call DD by her name just refers to her as 'the baby'.

He keeps saying he wants what's best for 'the baby' and then saying but oh oh I don't know if I can handle this right now. Giving him some space is probably a good thing, but I haven't heard from him so have no idea what he'll say when I contact him again.

I just wish he could see that it doesn't have to be such a scary thing, we can take things slowly and if we're just civil and talk things through it could all turn out all right. Or maybe I'm overly optimistic?

PaigeTurner, it sounds like you are both making a good start. Has he told his family and friends about your DS? Did you meet first to discuss things or did you let him meet DS straight away? My instinct is to meet and have a discuss things, but he may feel completely differently once he's met DD.

I'd ask him what exactly he thinks is best for the baby and whether you could meet up to discuss it.

I told my baby's dad often, "it's not going to be as bad as you think it is" but he still managed to be mostly a complete arse throughout the pregnancy (mostly the beginning and the end).

What didn't help was that he told his family and they reacted really badly, saying I was "a pisstaker" who was after his money, and that he should get a DNA test before he even met his DS. (I have offered this but refuse to pay for it myself.) Do you think something similar might have happened in your situation? Would he be getting negative feedback from his friends?

We are doing a DNA test, just so that I can avoid what happened to you and never have it thrown in my face. As far as I know he hasn't even told his family, but I could be wrong. I'm not sure if all his friends know.

Its kind of a different situation because when I was pregnant I was a bit of wimp and emailed him. I never heard back. Then I got consumed in the pregnancy, new baby etc and put it out of my mind. At the beginning of Dec I called him and we had a very awkward conversation. Then on new years day he text me and we have been in regular contact ever since. It has now been left that we will speak again once I have the results and he's had some time to think things through. I'm glad for this because when we first got in contact I was extremely anxious and wound up. I have now calmed down and think I am thinking about things more rationally. Although I anticipated this when I decided to continue with my pregnancy, I didn't realise how strongly I would feel about all this. I guess if a relationship doesn't work out for my daughters sake it will be something I, and eventually she, will have to come to terms with. I'm just still hanging onto that hope.