What is it fair to ask?

[trulyscrumptious43]

I'm a single mum with two teens. My boyfriend of three years has been mostly living at my house the past 2 years, apart from visits to his mum and to his kids, who live abroad.
BF contributes equally to the food shopping.
I have an electricity bill for £170 which I am having difficulty seeing how I can pay.
I'm self employed on WFTC and this time of year is very sparse workwise for me. In fact there's been nothing for 2 months.
I don't know how much to ask BF towards the leccy. He is not coming forward and offering anything although I've asked several times for a contribution.
BF is in work and earning well although he's been off for several months with illness (though he's better now)and his work too is self employed therefore never guaranteed.
Any thoughts on what proportion of the bill I should be asking him for?

To clarify the situation - BF's intention is not to live with me - he has a property abroad he wants to sell to buy somewhere here.
So I feel that he is a kind of visitor to my home, as that's the way he sees it too.
(Another issue here but that's not what I'm asking about!)

has he got another place to live apart when he is visiting his dc?
if not that he is living with you full time not a guest
so, if he doesnt pay rent(maybe you own the house otright and do not need/want him to pay) I bloody think he should foot out the all bill
and the next
and the one after

No he hasn't got another place to live. I'm happy with the arrangement over the rent.
This is the only household bill I am asking for help with.
He gives his ex a lump sum of cash when he can for his kids; he tries to be generous so maybe I feel that if I ask him for money I'll be taking it away from them.

I had a longer term boyfriend who spent roughly 3-4 days in my house a week. He never contributed. This was actually a factor in why I broke up with him.

I felt that he should be contributing a third towards food and bills for the days he was with me. And I would be responsible for the other 2/3, me and the children. I wouldn't have expected half, because in my eyes that was like him being expected to pay part towards my children, so I split it into thirds, with me as one and the children as another.

He did gloat about his parents cutting his digs money because he was spending so much time with me. And never gave me a penny.

I think once you are serious enough to live together, even if it is just convenient and not long term planned, they aren't guests really. I would offer money for my upkeep if I was staying anywhere with friends and family for more than a holiday.

truly>>I feel that if I ask him for money I'll be taking it away from them.

that is nice of you, but supporting him dont you think it is taking away money from your own dc?

Oh I forgot to add that he has paid the coal bill (£140)this winter.
So this is why I'm a bit confused.
I feel that he has done his bit in a way, but now I'm struggling.

Truly are you declaring that you are living with this man for WTC purposes? Because you are living together and he should be paying half the council tax (2 adult rate I assume) and a share of all the bills...

You risk serious problems if anyone reports you and you are claiming you live alone. You may be a single mum but you are not a lone parent as you have a partnr living with you and the council and benefit people will see it that way. Especially if he is already paying towards some bills. Sorry but that is the reality.

You wouldn't have these extras on the bill to pay for presumably if he wasn't there after all.
So if he's not intending to stay then he needs to move out and love somewhere else, or you need to live together and pay the bills between you

That should of been live somewhere else, but love works too I guess :)

So apart from paying half towards the food bill and the coal bill, what else does he pay?

I'm wondering how you manage tbh.

If he was running another house then I would say that he may not be able to afford to pay you naything but as he is not, he is technically using your house as his home and payingno bed or board.

If you were well off then you could affors to make the choice to support him but as you are not I am struggling to see what kind of man would lodge free of charge with his girlfriend who has children and have her worry about finanes in this way without stepping in.
In regard to the lumpsum he pays his children.. how much evidence do you have of this? Why doesnt he pay an equal amount each month in accordance with CSA guidlines?

With th elimited info I have, I hear alarm bells.

ALthough, a basic answer would be - he should pay his share i.e. if you have one child then you should pay 2/3rds he should pay one. If you have 2 kids he should pa 1/4 etc etc.

Don't make a big deal of it, jus say 'here's the bill ,obviously you'll want to contribute so I thought a third would be fair?'

jeeees typos!

I hear alarm bells also, with what you have posted so far! I have heard the word "cocklodger" mentioned on mn previously and he seems to fit the role from what you have said so far.

That's the phrase I was looking for! I think it's a solidgoldbrass-ism(or whatever she calls herself these days)

Yes....even if you are happy with things he should not WANT to stay there without helping you...it's not what a decent person would do

So he lives there for nothing, but pays half of the food, which he then eats?

And you pay everything else?

Is that right?

It sounds a tad easy doesn't it?

Pay for grub and get EVERYTHING else on tap?

That's called taking advantage in my book.

If he's being generous with his kids then he's doing it because you're subsidising him financially by not having him divvy up.

And that means you can't be generous to YOUR kids .