reasonable access - help!!

[flaminglips]

I've been separated from my husband for almost 2 years and we tried desperately for things to remain amicable for the sake of our 2 boys (10 and 7). However, we see the issue of access very differently and i'd really appreciate some different perspectives on what might be reasonable access.
At the moment, arrangements are completely ad hoc and my ex has made it very clear he wants things to be flexible. For him that means seeing the children every day for a few hours and overnight a couple of times a week. He refuses to have them for a weekend because he says it's too much for him and he doesn't get any me time.
I don't want to have to see him every day and can't bear not knowing what's happening from one day to the next. I don't think it's good for the children either but he disagrees.
I want to be fair to him but I desperately need some structure to be able to plan things and to help the children feel secure.

Any ideas?

hi, im having some probs with access too but having been going through it for 6 years i thought i may be of some help.

it is unreasonable for your ex to want to drop by everyday, well done to you for doing this for 2 years!

you obviously need set times, a couple of times a week and every other weekend is very reasonable. you both need 'me' time!

go and see a solicitor and get a formal agreement drawn up, that way you have stucture and the both of you knows where you stand

thanks. i can't see him agreeing to anything less than he has now because he insists on seeing them every day and even turns up on his breaks from work. good luck with your problems x

I would tell him that it is unreasonable and then what your schedule is re: coming week and don't be in when he calls the next time.
Say he has been warned and if he wants to see the dcs they are available on such and such for him and that's that.
Then, disengage. Don't argue just repeat, repeat repeat.

quite tiring but after a few weeks he will get it and I think the dcs will benmefit enormously from the routine, (and you)

Good luck

He doesn't have to agree, it's not a discussion. He just has to step up and be a reliable father.
Stop letting him walk all over you
I know easier for me to say and you to do eh.

thanks mamas12 I know I need to toughen up and I've told him my views. I want to be reasonable because it was me that couldn't carry on with the marriage. He was prepared to for the kids sake. Neither of us are with anyone else and I worry about what he'll do if he loses what he has with them even which is why i've let him call the shots for so long

My ex had this approach at the beginning. I put a stop to it once I got my head together.
You do not have to let him in your home for this access for a start so if access is occurring at your home, you can say you no longer feel this is suitable.

What about every Sunday or Saturday (alternatives if he wants 'me time' - btw where is your 'me time'!!) and one night in the week.

I agree with mamas12, you need to do this for yourself and the dcs.

My dcs have a set routine and neither of us have broken it (aside prearranged holidays on both sides). They are much more settled, they get time with both parents and extended families.

Good luck

God I wish you were my DH ex you are super flexible!! I see nothing wrong with structure best for everyone all round I would say.

I saw my Dad every other weekend, half the hols, and every other Christmas and Birthdays and I have very good relationship with my Dad and think Mum was fair to enable this.....every set of circumstances are different though so its what suits you all as a family....seems a little too much on his terms at the mo....im not saying go mental though give and take on both sides :)

Yes, do it by letter. One eve in the week one overnight at the weekend. Share holidays.
Just because you were the one who called time on the marriage doesn't mean you have to now be grateful that he continues to act like a father. Be firm! Good luck.