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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

co-parenting a newborn with XP

12 replies

Yika · 24/01/2011 17:45

Just wondering how other people arrange things with the XP when you split up before the baby was born.

I'm committed to keeping my baby's dad involved but it's not easy to organise because it essentially means spending time all together.

DD is now 3.5 months. XP has mainly come to my place or we meet in a park and go for a walk.

We live about an hour apart and he now lives with the woman he left me for when I was 8 months pregnant. He asked me to take the baby to his place today but I don't feel at all comfortable spending any time in what I thought would be my future home (we never lived together) but is now hers.

I think he should continue to be the one to make the effort and come to my place until DD is old enough to spend time at his home without me (I don't know when exactly that would be - suggestions welcome - but anyway not before I stop breastfeeding).

It's the only thing he does for her... he doesn't contribute anything financially and I'm not going to ask him to.

Anyone else in a similar situation? What is your experience?

OP posts:

racetobed · 24/01/2011 23:33

I agree that he should visit you while you are still bfing. of course you shouldn't have to go to his new home with the ow.
How often does he see dd? once a week? or every other week?

expatinscotland · 24/01/2011 23:38

I think he should pay for his child.

evolucy7 · 24/01/2011 23:46

Yes why aren't you going to ask him to contribute financially?

Original poster

Yika · 25/01/2011 07:36

Re. the finances, mainly because I always said I would take responsibility for DD (financial and childcare) as he already had children and only agreed to have another one for my sake.

Also, he is so tight-fisted it would be a bitter struggle to get anything out of him and would rapidly degenerate into open conflict.

Plus, I can afford to bring her up alone (we actually both earn good money).

It does rankle though that I had to ASK him to buy her a Christmas present (I know babies don't need them but since he had never bought her anything else like clothes, baby equipment etc...).

In the first few weeks he saw her every few days (which was mainly to do with a rapprochement between him and me). Now about once a week.

OP posts:

Expecting06112010 · 25/01/2011 08:18

hello, Im a lone parent to a 3 month old and i love it all :), although obviously it takes it out of you!

I hope im not speaking out of turn but i dont think he will be around for very long, he isnt supporting you financially and the fact you had to ask him to buy a christmas present sends alarm bells ringing to me!

and also what i would say is my baby is going to yours and your new mrs's house in your dreams!

I understand you want to keep him involved but id leave the contact up to him, and see how it turns out, your a new mum and should be enjoying your new baby not worrying about him, he sounds a little useless if you ask me!

expatinscotland · 25/01/2011 09:14

'Re. the finances, mainly because I always said I would take responsibility for DD (financial and childcare) as he already had children and only agreed to have another one for my sake.'

Bullshit. He chose to have sex with no protection. Fuck him. Your child deserves more.

Sue him for maintenance.

If he's so tight-fisted then he should get a vasectomy.

And yeah, don't put yourself out wrt to contact he obviously can't be arsed.

TheProvincialLady · 25/01/2011 09:23

Ha ha I'm afraid the law doesn't agree with your ex regarding responsibility for children. He needs to contribute a proper amount or you are doing your DD a disservice. Even if you just put it in a savings account for her.

I wouldn't send a small BF baby an hour away from me just so she could be in someone else's house. Your ex needs to do what is best for DD, which means coming to your area for now.

Normantebbit · 25/01/2011 09:25

You think you don't need the money but these are early days. You have no idea what might happen in the future. If you don't need money to live on then put his contribution in a savings account fir her - it will help pay tuition fees etc when she is older.

Your little one deserves that at least.

Normantebbit · 25/01/2011 09:29

Your newborn just has you. What will happen if you lose your job? You need to start being a bit more hard headed about this.

And he shouldn't have planned z child if he wasn't prepared to support it. You need to have him contributing.

Original poster

Yika · 25/01/2011 12:17

Savings account is a good idea. An excellent idea in fact.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/01/2011 14:38

Hire a solicitor and get him to pay. Contact is a separate matter to be dealt with.

But he should be paying towards his child and if he didn't want any more he should have worn a condom or had a vasectomy.

As stated, if you don't need it, put it in a savings account for her to use on things lik driving lessons, lessons she might want, a gap year, a deposit on a flat, uni/college fees, braces or dentistry she might need, any number of things.

pickgo · 25/01/2011 16:46

He should be coming to you at this stage and perhaps taking the baby out for an hour max between feeds. Break for you and little contact with him.
Sadly, I agree his commitment isn't looking good. If you do go to a solicitor I'd ask for child support plus a formal contact agreement to be drawn up so that you all know where you stand eg 2 x 1 hour a week until DC is 1, then perhaps a morning or afternoon until she's a bit older.
Look after yourself.

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