How do you get on with normal life to begin with?

[2dogs1baby]

Left my EXP about 6 weeks ago but have only just realised it's not a break and will be forever, I've been living with my mum & my 4 month old DD but need to find my own place. I've been doing ok but it's hard to cone to terms with the fact that it's just going to be me & her forever.

How do you get used to it? I feel like I never planned this & am starting my life all over again.

Also EXP is being v funny about £££ only started pushing him for money now. He doesn't see why I need it just for nappies & milk. Have tried to explain it's for her upbringing but no joy. Don't know how anyone else handles this? Guess I'll just have to go with CSA?!!

Basically, I'm new & struggling slightly! All my NCT friends are not lone patents & I feel a bit helpless! Any advice or encouragement about how to get going would be really appreciated xxxx

Go to the CSA about the money if he's already being a dick.

You are statistically unlikely to be alone forever. Most single mothers recover from their crap relationship, get a baby sitter, and start dating again.

I'm in the same boat as you. My EXP left me & my 4 month old son for his ex gf just before christmas.

I too have had to move back to my mums. Totally soul destroying. I feel like a moody teen all over again. Obv I can't work with a new baby, relying on gov income support, ex won't pay child support & CSA are telling me it'll take months to process my claim. Apparently, as he's in teacher training I can look forward to 7 quid a week from him if my claim against him is successful! Joy! Even though he recieved a bursary for his course & extra money in this bursary as he claimed he had a child to support while he was learning! Bloody cheek!

It's so hard isn't it. Most days I just feel like I can't even be bothered! I wish I had some advice but hopefully you'll take solace in knowing you're not the only one! :(

Much love. x

You'll be fine. It will take time but you will work everything out and make a life for yourself and dd. The fact that you have realised this separation is forever shows that you have taken a big step forward in moving on and recovering from this. Don't worry about the future too much right now, just tackle whatever issues you need to for now on a much more short term basis. The time will fly by far faster than you realise...

Is there any immediate pressure to move from your mum's? Are you on a sofa, or are you desperate for your own space, or are you happy to be pampered a bit and to have help while you deal with this difficult time? Is your mum happy for you to stay a while or do you have some deadlien you need to move on by?
If that is important to you to have your own place then prioritise that. How are you going to achieve it? buy/rent? Have you been to the council to go on the waiting list or are you going to find a private rental and if so just start looking.

How are you going to pay for things. Are you on maternity leave with a dat ein mind of returning to work or how long do you plan/hope to stay home. Is finding a job important to you to help pay the bills or would you rather have more time with dd right now and are willing to stay at mums to achieve that perhaps?

Have you checked what you are entitled too and that you and your dd are getting all the help and assistance you can and should.

Put in a claim now to the CSA. It will take them months to sort it out. The fact he questions the need for nappies & milk is rediculous. And it's none of his business how you spend the money your dd is entitled too from him.
Anyhow, you also need money for a home, bills, and you will be putting money aside for bigger purchases such as toys, a bed in a few years time, first pair of shoes and the like. Don't bother trying to argue that with him. Simply say if he can't be reasonable then it'll be easier for you both to go via the CSA.

You will date again. Just be careful and take your time and don't rush on into a relationship thinking this may be your last chance or that your dd needs a 'dad'. What you need is a decent man for you, and you have plenty of time to find him yet. That shouldn't be a priority for you at this point, but it is a common worry so perfectly normal to think about it.

Best wishes and keep strong

Hiya, thanks for your kind replies.

My mums is small, 2 bedroomed terrace - my brother is depressed & also at home so he has one room (that's a whole different story! Lol!) so my DD and I share with my mum. My DD co-sleeps so there's me, my mum & DD in a double bed! Luckily my mum's v laid back about it & doesn't mind but I do feel very in the way & like we both need our own space.

I'm finding it hard to find a half-decent house or flat in the area that takes housing benefit at the moment. This is getting me down a lot as I feel a bit stuck.

I receive MA from the government which runs out in may - I am staying off work until September when I start a puce at my local hni. No idea what I'll do for money after may - need to work or start saving I suppose. Already started worrying about affording the nursery next year! But I can't worry about everything already!

LittleBeth it's nice to know there are other people like me. I'm sorry you're finding it hard too. I find I can makeyself busy day-to-day & get by ..... It's when I sit down quietly it all hits me that this is the way it is now. I do hope you ate ok. If you ever need to talk.

Thanks everyone. Niht-feed done. Must go back to sleep! I'll check in again in the morning xxx

I meant to say start a PGCE at my local uni. Blummin' auto-correct! X

2dogs1baby I try to stay busy too. My DS makes it easy on me at least, he feeds every 3 hours like clockwork & sleeps through the night for 10 hours without waking.

I've looked at going on a list for council housing but as I already have somewhere to live & I'm under no threat whatsoever of losing that living arrangement I'm not considered a priority.

Its crowded at my mums, there's me, my son, both my parents, my brother, his gf & a dog but at least I have my own room. The only trouble is that its so small theres no possible way I'm going to get a cot in there as well as my bed. It's not so bad at the minute because DS is in a moses basket but he's weeks from being too big for it. My parents place is officially classed as overcrowded as there are more than 4 adults there & this counts in my favour, but the thing with going on a housing list is that I could get dumped in a ghetto estate somewhere miles from my family & I'm frightened of that.

I wonder if its better to let DS have my room & I'll just sleep on the couch until my brother gets his own place, then I'll move into his room & make my old room into a nursery for my DS. Have you considered a housing list placement?

Also I was recommended to speak to a Lone Parent advisor at my local jobcentre to get advice on benefits & entitlements, even if I start working again. Apparently I can get help towards paying for childcare whilst I go to work. That could be something you could try.

I'm in 2 minds as to wether pursue CSA as my EXP isnt exactly a brilliant father & I know if I go to the CSA & start rattling the cage for cash, he'll start demanding to take my son away, something I'm not happy with as to be perfectly honest, my DS doesnt know who he is!!! He hasn't been around & it would be distressing for my son being taken away by a man he doesnt know. It just makes me seethe knowing his claiming extra in his bursary saying he needs the extra as he's raising a child while he learns, only the last I heard hhe's used that extra cash to get himself a nice contract on a brand new iPhone4!!!

However, because I'm a single mother, I qualify for legal aid which is something I'm taking advantage of. Just for advice, its better the citizens advice bureau. Maybe you could try that too, just to run through everything, the benefits you're entitled too, what your EX should be paying, his rights to your DD. My ex isn't on the birth cert so that makes it easier for me at least.

Good luck. x

Oh and as for being alone forever, I've already kind of met someone else!!

It's frightening & scary & nerve racking considering its only been 6 weeks since my EXP left, but I'm taking it very slowly, just starting out as friends, a few dates, seeing where it goes but he knows I have a baby & he's ok with it. He respects my desire to go at a snails pace & understands I don't want to introduce men into my son's life until I'm sure a particular man is serious about me & understands that my son will always always always come first.

So weirdly enough, that is at least ONE thing that's going ok for me & when my ex left me I was SURE that I would never be with anyone else again & nobody would ever want me. So even if this guy doesn't end up being 'the one' its nice to know being a mother doesnt make me invisible or repulsive!

So I'm positive you won't be alone forever either! x x x

Wow! A baby that sleeps through the night! Lol :) my dream! It's 4am & since 8.30pm my DD has had 4 6floz bottles! Absolutely madness, I don't know how she does it!

If you go on the local housing list you can choose properties to view & bid on them according to your need in comparison to other people. They never dump u anywhere or choose where u live don't worry. It's worth a look at - although finding the time to do this stuff is hard I know.

My EXP agreed to go through the CSA last night which is good - not quite sure how but I managed to persuade him it was a good idea! Lol!

I'm gna see about seeing the lone parent advisor soon, will have to google how I get in touch with then.

Congratulations on meeting someone, he sounds like a nice guy! That bit doesn't bother me too much actually! When it happens it'll happen, I have the ultimate distraction of my DD.

Access is the thing that worries me the most but I have a brill solicitor who specialises in this kind of thong. If my EXP wants unsupervised access at the moment there's no way. He'll have to take me to court & because of numerous things including drinking, aggression & drugs he doesn't stand a chance.

Me and the EXP have been getting on well, the only thing that does worry me is when he starts pushing for access. But I have to stay strong & know that I'm doing the right thing.

Do you have lots of friends & family? I have a great support network & am also thinking of getting some counselling just to have someone impartial to talk to.

Also, are you going back to work? I need to start planning ahead for a nursery now - blummin' things get so booked up in advance!

Hope you're doing ok xxx

My DS used to eat ALL the time, it was all he did, I had to stop breastfeeding because it became too much for me, I got no sleep at all. Then I discovered SMA Extra Hungry formula. I started mixing that with regular formula into 9oz measurements, 5 scoops of the extra hungry, 4 scoops of the regular formula & he has that, every 3 hours & doesnt cry inbetween. I started that when he was 8 weeks old & he started sleeping through the night then too. He's 4 months now & wakes in the night from time to time & has a little chatter to himself in the dark but I ignore it, at the most give him his dummy & he just goes back to sleep.

Access worried me too, my EXP wasnt abusive or have a shady past, he's just never been that reliable & I was worried that if I put him on the birth certificate he'd one day let my son down in some way by coming & going as he pleases & then saying, 'I'm on the birth cert, I have rights too.'

It doesnt look like I have to worry though because my son has seen his dad twice since he got back with his ex.

He was a good dad to start, we agreed he'd never take DS on his own but he came over twice a week for 4 hour visits & we'd have one group outing too as well as those visits, either to the shops together, all 3 of us, for baby supplies or for a nice walk with the buggy somewhere but I can barely get hold of him since he got back with his ex.

She sent me a lot of insulting emails, calling me names, saying she'd always been the one & I'd always been a piece of trash to him & I shouldnt have had my baby.

I just ignored them & carried on my parenting agreement with DS's dad but he hasnt been around in weeks, I've sent text after text, email after email, attempted phone call after attempted phone call & had nothing back, he ignores them all & won't reply, I literally must have made a hundred attempts to get in touch this week alone but I havent heard back from him.

I keep saying that this is probably what's best for me & my son as we do ok, I'm dating & I have help financially from my parents, but I won't lie, I'm devastated & hurt for my son. He seemed to love his dad & gurgled constantly when he was around. I find it very hard to cry at random moments throughout the day, I'll be doing something mundane, like making lunch & all of a sudden I'll have stopped & be in floods of tears, totally out of the blue.

I've talked with my family about me finding some work, just something part time to begin with when DS is 8 months & I'll pay a little to my mum to be his child minder, but it all depends on when the government stop my income support because it's only a temporary measure, if they stop it sooner I'll have to find work sooner. I'm dreading being away from my beautiful boy but I'm looking forwards to bringing in some proper money to give him the things he deserves.

I'm definitely going for councilling too. I was diagnised with post natal depression a few weeks ago because of this strain with my ex & I had councilling once before, way before I was pregnant for a different problem I was having & it helped a lot.

xx

• very hard NOT to cry at random moments I meant!

You should both qualify for tax credits. I can't remember what the situation is if you are studying at the same time, but please check it out.

Whilst on working tax credits, you can get 80% of your childcare paid for (Although it's going down to 70% soon, thanks to government cuts).

You should both also be able to find a private rental and get housing benefit for (most) of the rent- yes, and the government are chipping away at this too...So no need to be overcrowded.

At the present moment, there is a state safety net out there for those of us who find ourselves in this kind of terrible situation, to enable ourselves to pull ourselves back on our feet again. At the moment, I say. Might as well use it before the Tories scrap it all, and abandoned mothers with tiny babies really do have to live in conditions of Dickensian overcrowding and lack of opportunity.

Thanks malettada (sorry for the spelling) - I didn't know that about childcare & working tax credits. Yes, paying for the CSA in the future seems completely ludicrous but there you go. Don't even get me started on my hatred for david Cameron! Lol

Hope you're doing well littlebeth - so sorry about how you're being treated by ur ex and his gf, how awful of her to send messages etc. She just needs to keep out of it.

When it comes to crying, trust me I'm there too! I heard a sad song on the radio in the car yesterday & that was it, I was gone :( guessing it's going to take a lot of time to feel fully happy and comfortable in this situation.

Sorry it's a short one. Must sleep in anticipation for the 3am wake up! Hope u and ur DS are well xxxx