contact problems with ex

[Aeron]

Hi,

Hope someone can help.

I have 2 boys and have been in court the last 12 months as my ex applied for a contact order.

Currently me and the kids going to exs house for contact. I stay there too(this is not in order just agreed with me and ex).

I have been struggling with this arrangement for the last 3 months, due to the tensions it places on me. I accepted that it was my problem not an issue for the kids as such i have tried to deal with it.

I have now cracked under the strain. I have been signed onto Anti depressants, and my doctor has advised i can no longer carry on going.

I need to tell the ex this. So i am going to suggest he comes to collect instead. Now i suspect DC wont go with him, which is why i havent done this before.

We are back in court in a fortnight for a directions hearing. I am now having to LIP. Whats going to happen?

I assume a contested hearing? whats the delay on those? Will they take into account my mental state given i am trying to LIP? Will the understand why i can no longer carry on with contact the way it was? Im not stopping contact, i just cant go anymore?

And can anyone think of anything i can suggest other than him collecting which i suspect will fail?

Thanks

How old are dcs?

Meet in a neutral place - McDonalds, park, leisure centre. Ex says would you like to [insert activity dcs like] with me.
Dcs go off (or don't) and are returned home to you afterwards.
Your ex will also see that you are trying to facilitate access.

No idea about the court stuff other than avoid it unless absolutely necessary.

What you're suggestion is what happens in the vast majority of cases, so it isn't unreasonable.

Why do you think they won't go with him if he comes to collect them?

Why is it so distressing to you to go to XP's home? Is he abusive towards you? If so then it is not reasonable that you should be expected to spend time in his company - and if he is very abusive/violent/an addict or alcoholic then it is not unreasonable for you to insist that contact takes place on neutral territory and supervised by someone else.

I cannot see a court saying that you have to go and stay with him overnight. Was that intended to be a temporary thing while the children became comfortable with the arrangements? As ready said I agree that the best thing would to meet somewhere neutral, even do something together, mayebe they won't want to go the first time or maybe they will, but it might get better with time, as you slowly give them more independent time with him. I am interested in why you think they wouldn't go, and how old they are. I have 2 children who do not want to see their father.

How old are your dc?
They will be fine going to ex's house if you make it fine.
WHen they say 'are you coming mummy' you say I have to pop to the shops this time' or 'I have to go and queue at the bank to pay some bills' or something completely boring that they don't want to do.

They will adapt quickly, and you will get used to it in time too.

Why are you in court? What are you in dispute over re the contact? It's better if you can agree to the contact without court if at all possible. Do you have a McKenzie's friend to go to court with you?

Hi.

Thanks for the replies. DC are 6 (almost 7)

DC are irrationally scared of going with ex without me. There have been a few instances where ex has acted inappropriately with them, but nothing that warrants this reaction. CAFCASS have been involved with DC and during the session they tried to facilitate DC had complete meltdown at thought of going. CAFCASS abandoned attempt. CAFCASS report acknowledged reluctance of DC to go, but said obviously for long term benefits contact needs to be established and ideally without me. It made no recommendations other than that. I was a basically 7 pages of useless.

Ex has been violent to me in the past, but the majority was emotional. I cannot cope with going. The stress it puts on me is too much.

Both me and ex believe the DC will not go with him unless forcibly dragged literally kicking and screaming. He does not want to do this and i will not do this (he wants me to do it)

We are in court, because ex originally rejected my proposal for contact and i rejected his. He decided he wanted to take his chance at a contested hearing. This has so far been avoided, by me giving him what he wants and it going in an order. This time i will not compromise. I am not agreeing to put in an order that i will forcibly carry my DCs to the car, lock them in while i drive them to his house, and do the same the other end. I will not do it, not even if a judge orders me to!

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid at all? If this man is an abusive bully then there is NO WAY you should be obliged to subject yourself and DC to this.
How much evidence (in terms of police/medical reports or other people who have witnessed it) do you have of this man's abusive behaviour? It would seem reasonable to me that given your DC's ages, the court takes their wishes into consideration and the onus is on your XP to demonstrate continued good behaviour.

Finally bear in mind (and it is hard to keep your strenght up when being bullied, I understand that) that actually, there's not that much a court can do to a mother who repeatedly refuses contact. Your XP can repeatedly threaten you with court action but when you offer reasonable co-operation (short meetings in public places to begin with, letterbox contact) and withdraw it if he acts up, you will not get into trouble.

Finally, your DC's fear of their father is not irrational. It's perfectly rational to be frightened of a bully.

Be sure to mention the issue about Domestic Violence when you go to court, and the reluctance of the children to see him.

Ring Women's Aid, and be sure that you get the name of your caseworker so you can list it in the documentation presented to court.

If overnight contact can't be avoided, ask for a gradual introduction to it. IMHO you are finding it difficult to let go (albeit with very valid reasons), as no court would advise for parent to be present during contact if she doesn't want to. You are doing this because you want to make sure the children are ok, no court will force you into this.

If he is not safe around his children and the children are having melt downs about it, you need to push for supervised contact but insisting in doing the supervising yourself at his place is ridiculous. You are inflicting a lot of damage on yourself, and it is not good for the children either to see their mum stressed out while contact is taking place, that may be feeding their fears also, which in turn makes it more difficult for you and for them, so it makes the situation worse for all involved. It is a vicious circle you need to break for your own good.

If you are totally sure he is not safe around the children insist to get supervised contact in a contact centre. If he is safe, I guess about reassuring the children that things are not as bad and very gradually get them to see more of their father. You can meet in a play area for an hour or so (seat at different tables and reassure the children you are there in case they need something, and stay with them the first time, next time you leave for 15 minutes, next time for half the time, until they can stay with him on their own, and from there increase time little by little.