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Lone parents

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Original poster

Advice on contact with paranoid ex

11 replies

luckylady23 · 22/01/2011 15:50

I seperated from my husband May last year. We have 3 boys age 9,6 and 4. My ex has been paranoid for about a year thinking people are following him, accusing his mother of being a spy and that he is being persecuted. He has been to the police 3x and I spoke to then recently and they feel he is disturbed. He has told the boys their nanny is a spy because she touches her face in a certain way and that he is a target and has asked them if their friends have told them to spy on him and plant lego in his room. My oldest boy has been really upset as he knows something is not right and my ex has accused him of lying about this lego. I have stopped him seeing them for a week which has upset the boys as they love him. I have said he can see them once a week for 2 hours at my house when I am there until I can see he is okay. He loves the boys and doesnt want to not see them but I am worried about the impact of what he is saying will have on them. He has been referred to the mental health team this week although he doesnt really think he has anything wrong apart from some anxiety. Any advice on what to do about contact with the children? I am really concerned about the long term and am thinking of moving away to be closer to my family as I have little support around me. It has been a nightmare.

OP posts:

TrappedinSuburbia · 22/01/2011 18:04

Sounds a nightmare, at least he's got a refferal to a mental health team.
I would only have the access as you are doing just now, with you supervising and with someone else for safety, as it sounds as if he does genuinely have a mental illness at the moment and it may or may not deteriorate.
I don't really know much about access/mental health but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

want2sleep · 22/01/2011 19:24

It sounds like a psychotic episode? He has no insight hence thinks he only has anxiety. Is it linked with depression?

Try and encourage support and supervised visits maily for your worry about situation but ex sounds like he would not disturb a hair on their head intenionaly, the main problem is his troubled thoughts. Can you go to Mental Health Team with him for support and to get accross your worry about the kids so they can rush things along faster maybe?

Hope they offer full hospital or community assessment for him but if he refuses nothing much they can do unless he becomes risk to himself or others. He should be classed high level so will be wanted to be assessed and treated by the team and not just bounced back to GP.

Maybe you could do deal with him? If you go to your appointments I will feel happier that you are getting the help you need as you are unwell. As being unwell at present you are making the boys nervous and upset and I know you love them and would do anything include getting better for them. Then as he gets better do short trips out with boys etc

Hope he gets the help he needs and your dc get to see their 'old' dad back again:)

BradTittAndFlange · 22/01/2011 19:25

Hopefully the MH team will help him, in the mean time, I would cease contact and just do an hour once a week supervised by you and a fit man if it was me. He sounds quite ill.

cestlavielife · 22/01/2011 21:49

while the DC still want to see him try and get the metnal health team /social services involved in the visits so they can assess how it is going - might be hard to achieve tho.

it is difficult -how can you assess if he ok or not? or do you feel you know him well enoguh to know when to say "you must go now you not well"? how can you be sure he wont act on his paranoia/anxiety in some physical way?

yu're outting a hge responnsibility on yourself - if he is showing signs of paranoia then that could be dangerous - unles say he is very small and weak and you are a big strong woman well able to overpower him / get him to leave etc if needed....it is scary how suddenly a person with these issues can flip...i would follow advice above and have a third party there at contact for now.

i tried keeping on top of my ex's MH ups and downs - but at some point couldnt do so any more - now am trying to get MH team to talk to me.

try and see if you can get more info from his Mh team - if you stil married you mightt be able to get info but they might cite patientt confidentiality so you need topush your H to allow info to be shared - which ight be difficult if he thinks there is nothing wrong!

please be extra careful and ahve someone else around when he comes in your house, til you can be sure what the diagnosis is... disturbed people do disturbed things.

JustForThisOne · 22/01/2011 22:07

agree with the abouve, extra careful till he has a dx.
Has your exH be violent in the past and has this behaviour only just started?
A friend of mine soffered what you are describing. She was intelligent enough (quite amazing in fact) to go and get herself sanctioned under the mental health act.
She was "away" for six month.
I will never attempt to pass superficial advice when there is children safety at stake but I can reassure you that my friend was never dangerous to no body but herself (not in a mayor way and only when drunk)
She was deluded, psychotic, paranoid.
After six months she went back to her job that she still holds today (after 6 yr) , so it is possible that xp will be able to live his life and have relationship with your dss
I would speak to a child therapyst or peadiatrician to know what is the best arpoach with the subject
Children must know their dad is not well, some time people get sick in their stomca, sometime in their brain, but he will get better and needs love.

StuffingGoldBrass · 22/01/2011 23:17

If his behaviour is distressing the DC you need to put them first and stop contact, but explain to DC that their dad is ill and that's why he says strange things.
I do have a friend with paranoia issues, hers are not too severe and I am happy to take DS with me when we go to see her as she doesn;'t say much upsetting to him.
Dreadful as it is, this man is not your responsibility, put the DC and yourself first.

want2sleep · 23/01/2011 11:08

usually the person is not at risk to others (this is only my experience working in the field for 18yrs) usually like cest says to themselves...I am thinking your input by not withdrawing the dc will help ex get better quicker as something for ex to aim for...MH team though will not break confidentiality they prefer to work with the support of families but that is only if the client allows it...they will involve SS if they assess their is a risk to the children...it sounds like ex more risk to self though. Only you will know this answer by past behaviour of ex...any violence etc

You could speak to ex keyworker and explain your worries and how upsetting the kids but I do think stopping access at this point wont be good for dc or ex. Supervised access at a centre for now could be an option?

Original poster

luckylady23 · 23/01/2011 15:07

Thanks for all the replies. It is good to have different views on it. I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. Ex has not been violent in the past and would not want to hurt the children intentionally I am more worried that if he has unsupervised access they will think that paranoia is normal and end up thinking the same way. At the moment we are going to see how it goes with supervised contact until he is seen by the mental health team. I will try to talk to them if he is okay with that. Thanks again for the advice

OP posts:

Boobalina · 23/01/2011 19:53

Can you talk to his GP also? I dont wish to be alarmist, but I would not leave him alone with the children at all. His paranoia could lead hi to do something unusual and dangerous.

he sounds very very unwell and unpredictable?

Has he had MH issues before?

cestlavielife · 23/01/2011 21:42

he might hurt them unintentioanlly. dont try to second guess... i didnt thnk my exP would ever go for my dds. he did.

not massively - no injuries meeding emdical attention...but enough to leave them unwilling to see him...and me fearing what he might do next...

Original poster

luckylady23 · 24/01/2011 16:48

The main problem is that he is up and down and at times can be quite rational but when talking about certain things it is obvious he is not right at all. He has always been into conspiracy theories and the like and has smoked alot of cannabis but has been thinking things are happening to him personally for about 10 months, worse since he left the house 3 months ago. I think the split has worsened things. I have spoken to his GP who has said they is nothing they can do unless he comes to them ,which he has done after I stopped him seeing the children. They really want to see their Dad and are upset to the max. I have alot of anxiety over what is the right thing to do but will keep it to supervised time when I am there with them. How long I can keep that up for I am not sure. Alot depends on how he is and whether he gets help.

OP posts:

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