Advice needed

[bella102]

Hi
I am new to this site, and reading previous threads has helped to believe that im not alone.

Ill try and keep it short lol

Nearly 11 years ago my husband and I seperated when my daughter was 2. She is now almost 13. My ex husband has always been in my daughters life, though not reliable, for times of pick up and drop off, forgotten her birthday, and generally selfish. He met his now wife 4 weeks after we split up, and they have been together since. She has bad mouthed me to my daughter, which I have tried to brush off when speaking to her about it. And occasionally, when i thought they had over stepped the mark, I would pull them up about it with out my daughter knowing. Well it all come to a head about a year and a half ago, My ex's wife had a baby, And I was taking my daughter over to see her new brother, and I felt as though my daughter was being pushed aside. She wasnt allowed over to stay over anymore, The new wife said she wouldnt look after my daughter unless her dad was there and so on. Well I felt enough was enough, and I said something, and all hell broke loose. It was all my fault. I have always encourged my daughter to see her dad, sent birthday, xmas, fathers days cards and a small gift from my daughter - Wanted him to play a bigger part by coming to school sports days, and school plays etc. But he never did.

So after all this my daughter decided she didnt want to see her dad, and this was for a year. She missed her brother dreadfully. Every couple of weeks I would say about seeing her dad again, and she was adamant she wouldnt.

Then one night she was so upset that she wanted to see them again, so we helped her to do that. it started Thursday night and Sunday during the day, then we had the bombshell that she wanted to spend 3 nights and four days with with them.

My heart broke. It was such a blow. I really felt as though my heart was being torn out of my chest. But i have always tried to do the right thing for her, and felt if i said no, she would pull away even more. But im still doubting I done the right thing, Im so scared she will want to go there full time.

She never talks about her dad, its ALL about her brother. But now the ex wife is trying to play a bigger part, and they are always texting each other, Again always about her brother. But i get very jelous, which i know i have to stop.

I worry that they will let my daughter stay home, when she should be at school, and more worries about alsorts.

I have no contact with My ex husband or his wife. Even though I would speak to them, with no malice, because that would help to make my daughter feel more comfortable, I have to do it all through my daughter, which i never wanted.

Im sorry this is so long, I hope that you are able to send some advice my way....

TY in advance x

i am not quite sure what advice you are looking for. it sounds like your daughter is happy with the current situation and is spending time with her dad and his family, to an equal extent and so it is really a positive thing. of course you have concerns but just think - she may leave in 5 years to go to university! why are you concerned that they would keep her home from school? It sounds as if things have worked out well, from what you have said, but that you have some worries (which of course is natural but you cant do anything about those..)

Looks like she was ok till the boy was born and than she saw a family she never had and wanted to be part of it.
No matter how fair it is on a rational level I do feel for you and I would be very jealous indeed but that is only natural has we have cared for her mostly on your own and have adapted to the fact she was not interested. Things is she was only protecting herself from rejection.
Have you got a partner?
One thing I don't understand is why your xp wife had such a change of heart. Maybe since the boy is born she realised siblings are important? Or did she need cheap childminding? bad thought I know
There past be a way of speaking to them without going through your daughter though. Feeling pushed aside is not go to you. Get some professional advice on this one please

Looks like she was ok till the boy was born and than she saw a family she never had and wanted to be part of it.
No matter how fair it is on a rational level I do feel for you and I would be very jealous indeed but that is only natural has YOU have cared for her mostly on your own and have adapted to the fact she was not interested. Things is she was only protecting herself from rejection.
Have you got a partner?
One thing I don't understand is why your xp wife had such a change of heart. Maybe since the boy is born she realised siblings are important? Or did she need cheap childminding? bad thought I know
There MUST be a way of speaking to them without going through your daughter though. Feeling pushed aside is not go to you. Get some professional advice on this one please

I know its the perfect thing for her. What Im finding very hard is the fact that I have been pushed aside. Obviously i knew this would happen one day, but didnt realise how much it would affect me. And the way she has gone about it, as though my feelings dont matter at all. When she is there, she is very cold towards me - via texts etc.

OMG this sounds so self pitying, and Im not that way at all. As JustForThisOne says, I have been the sole carer all her life, and now feel totally lost. Again, I think and hope its because XP Wife has had her son. But what i have had from them over the years, im very cynical.

Ladydeedy, I guess i am hoping to hear from others that have been through this. To hear how they have dealt with it. I know what my daughter is like, and all she wants to do is be with her brother, and Maybe try and pull the wool.

Oh i dont know, my mind is all over the place.

You could try formalising the access arrangements through a solicitor?
It sounds like you are worried your daughter might be rejected again and going through the process of constructing a formal arrangement might support a bit of commitment from xp & wife long term.
WRT you feeling a bit dumped, I can understand that. But you are not really being pushed aside are you, it's just that your DD is seeing more of her other parent.
You are STILL your daughter's mother though you know! If you are worried that she won't go to school while staying at her dads ask them to inform you if she is not there. My DCs school does this anyway unless they hear from me.
I'd try to use your new freedom to your advantage. It will give you the time to focus on things you might like to do.

She won't want to go there all the time, and you are not alone. You sound like you have done the right thing all along and I think you are brilliant.

Teenagers are tough, you say you're upset but it seems like you are letting things take a natural course so maybe that's all there is to it?

Hang in there. You will always be her no. one. I still adore my mum (despite everything) and I'm in my 30s.

xxxx

You sound like a fantastic mum, putting your daughters best interests before your own. I've never been in this situation myself as ds father has never wanted to have any form of contact but I would feel the same if his dad suddenly came along and tried to take over. I think most lone parents would so stop beating yourself up!

I do think now that your xp has shared access that you need to be communicating with each other instead of messages being passed on through dd perhaps you could write to your xp saying your happy dd is spending time with him and his partner and being made to feel like part of his family but you think you both need to be grown up and discuss what is happening in dd's life so that you can both play an equal part. I wouldn't accuse him of keeping her off school unless you have a real reason to suspect this is the case.

It sounds like your feeling a bit lost with all this extra time on your hands use it to take up a hobby spend time with friends or revisit some of the things you used to do before you became a mum (difficult I know!) Perhaps you could talk to dd/xp about her spending alternate nights with him if thats not already the case so that dd sees you every other day it will make the time when she is at her dads go quicker for you instead of having a block of 3/4 days without her if that is the case.

It also sounds like dd is worried about upsetting you by admitting she likes to spend time with her new brother and feels uncomfortable that you want to know what is happening in her "separate life" so is quiet or cold around you. Perhaps if you said it is alright to talk about her dad & brother maybe buy her a photo frame so she can have a picture at your house perhaps it will stop her thinking of your time together being separate from her time with her dad & may make her open up a little.

It may be a good idea to have something written down legally but if things are working out ok is it worth the cost?

All girls need their mums & at some point dd will want to spend more time with you again when the novelty of a new brother has worn off if you let her spend time with her dad now eventually she'll come back to you and be really grateful that you have allowed her to have a relationship with her dad.

I think you sound a great Mum for letting you DD do as she wanted. But as for going full time I would say ( if it was my child)!! that it was not a option. You have let her go half the week when this wsnt in your best interest but thats as far as you will allow. I think she needs to know how it made you feel and be abit more considerate of your feelings. ( although having a teen myself) I know how they can be. !! Also chat about her text messages when she is not with you. Let her know that you miss her and would like abit more respect in her messages
If it was me I would find this whole thing quite hard too, but you have agreed so need to start working on how to clear your mind of these emotions. Get yourself busy even if its busy relaxing!, in the time she is at her Dad's and stop worrying.