how long do you wait befire cutting all contact with xp.

7 replies

torroche · 20/01/2011 20:38

Hi everyone my first time on here,
Right here my situation in nutshell, my d is 2 and half and for the last year I could count on one hand the amount of times she has seen her father. On top of that I've received no money from him in the last year, to make matters worse for me he left me in a hell of a lot of debt. I have always tried to be reasonable with him for the sake of my d but it getting to the point where I can tell she miss him but there nothing I can do as he now lives 30 miles away and he is in a new relationship and his new p is pregnant (he not sure it is his btw), I?ve tried to go though mediation and contact centre but he just won?t go. But if I were to turn round and say I need money or can you see od more he says I stop him but I never have, I just he to know when enough is enough.

OP posts:

Meglet · 20/01/2011 21:54

Did he not turn up to meditation / the contact centre, ie: is there an independant record that he's refused to do it?

Why haven't you gone through the CSA for money? Sometimes it does work.

FWIW my XP got thrown out of mediation by the officer and refused to attend the contact centre twice. Both places have a record of him screwing up. I also have e-mails from him saying he refuses to see the children. He pays through the CSA and that's it.

HanBanan · 21/01/2011 10:57

You've tried your best, just leave it for now. Could try and pursue CSA route for maintenance but don't hold out any hopes because he might well lie about his income or dodge it some other way.
Sad to say that unless his name is on the debts too you might well have to saddle that. Your daughter would benefit from contact, but don't press it from your side. Just wait for him to arrange it. If he doesn't it's his choice.
It's all a muddle until you see it that way. It is simply up to him to arrange contact with you, not the other way around. Once you see it like that then you will feel a lot happier, trust me.

tinymiddlemiss · 21/01/2011 16:57

I agree, leave the lines of communication open but don't waste your time chasing him. If there's anything essential you need to contact him about, do it by email so you have a written record.

It's probably better for your DD in the long term not to keep getting her hopes up about seeing her father only to be let down repeatedly.

Go to the CAB to investigate the debt - you might not be liable for it but if you are, they can sort out a plan for repayment.

I would go through the CSA too as it sounds like you won't get much from him otherwise.

MummieHunnie · 21/01/2011 17:02

My ex said tried to convince himself and everyone else the same sort of thing, it is projection, they don't want to see the kids for their own reasons, and they socially can't admit that so make up lies that hurt the child further to themselves or others. He will do the same to the next woman, get on with your own life as best you can, it still upsets me, then I think how selfish he is and realise he could never be a proper Dad.

mummylouise · 22/01/2011 09:56

This was my situation a few years ago. My exh left when i was preg with second child and dd was one yr. Lots of debt and no money. I moved in with parents for 6 wks then into a private let. Kids are now 8 and 9 not alot of contact with their dad. For money i had to go throu csa. I don't talk about their dad to my kids. He does blame me for moving and says i prevent contact and has threatened ct action a number of times. It is stressful, but now i only sp to him bout kids if he gets abusive i hang up. Sometimes i wonder if it will ever end it seems to be an endless cycle - but he is the one thats missing out on kids not me.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 22/01/2011 10:01

whatever you do, do NOT associate his contact with money. he is not(if he was paying, which i know he isn't) paying to see his daughter he is paying for his share of her keep. the contact issue needs to be treated as a separate issue from teh money.

but i agree with others. dont be offering anymore contact. dont ring him or text him or anything. forget about him and leave the ball in his court. i understand how upsettig it is to see that she misses him (i am in this boat right now) but he has to take the responsibility for his relationship with his daughter.

for the money, go through the CSA.

dobiegirl · 22/01/2011 23:30

Agree with boo

No more contact, ball in his court, wait and see, don't beg him, don't push him, sometimes daddy walks away, I don't say that to upset you, maybe you're gonna have to go it alone, sorry honey!!! xxxx

Love to yous.

Flip