why doesn't he get this?

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

is there a part of him missing, is there a loose wire?

back story:

4th jan; EXP leaves for england after his Xmas leave

13th jan; i was late collecting ds1 from school and they phone EXP, he phones me that afternoon to bollock me and only afetr i suggest it, does he speak to ds for all of 3 minutes. this is the first contact at all since he left 9 days earlier

14th jan; i get a message on FB from him saying he had a dream about us all being a family again and he missed us. i didn't reply.

18th jan; he sends me a text with a joke, the punchline being that women should learn to shutup and stop interfereing. again i ignore.

today; he rings at 8.40pm (he knows dcs go to bed at 7pm) i answer, taken aback that it is him on teh phone and he senses this. i explain that he hasn't been in touch in almost a week and that the boys are in bed. he makes it very obvious he wants to tell me something, old trick of his, make it obvious but dont tell so i have to keep asking and drag it out of him. i didn't fall for it, jsut ignored teh sighing and self pitying, and then he comes out with it and tells me he misses me (doesn't mention dcs ). i make very bored sounding sighs, and he eventually realises he isn't getting what he wants so goes on to try and make general chat, throws in the "are the boys ok?" line and then i tell him i have things to do. as he was saying bye i quickly reminded him that ds1 would love to hear from him and told him to call before bedtime. he said he would. didn't say when though

why does he not get this? why does he not want to speak to his children? especially when he is saying he misses them? why can't he make the connection between missing them and calling them? does he not think that they miss him too? why does that part of him not work?? it makes me so angry for them that he cant figure this out.

Maybe the children are not top of his agenda?- his relationship with you and the opportunity to talk about himself is, but he gets your attention by asking about the kids and saying he misses them. My ex has used this technique for ten years now and it still hasnt got through his skull that unless he seriously wants to reconcile with DC's I'm not interested in any of his self pitying conversation. Of course if they really wanted to keep contact they would be phoning at the time the DC's were up, writing letters, sending cards etc...but I suspect the upshot is...that they really cannot be bothered. It's such a damn shame for the children. Mine waited for years for the promised calls and visits he said he would make because he missed them so much. Now they don't want to know.

redfairy, it is exactly as you have said but i just dont get it. how can you exist, nowing you have children and not want to talk to them, hear about their day, tell them you love them, hear their little voices? how can you go about your life knowing that their is a little person taht you created, waiting for a phonecall, missing you, wanting to hear your voice and tell you their stories? i just dont understand it. how does he disconnect with all that emotion? how is he not wracked with guilt that he doesn't fulfil his role as a parent? how does he justify it? it makes me so sad and angry.

Sadly, the answer to your question is because it's all about him....

yep. i just dont get how that happens. surely it is inbuilt in humans to care for and protect your children. i don't get how it has happened that in his own head, there is no issue with how he is treating them.

i feel liek writing him a huge letter explaining all this and how i think he should be doing more but i honestly think it would fall on deaf ears. i honestly think he believes he is doing enough.

you cant get in his head. you never will. no point trying.

keep aline ready next time "kids are in bed so cant talk, why dont you call tomorrow at xx oclock. and i gotta go, my bath is ready, bye" .

Do he call you when he is lonely and needs a pick up? Or does he really want to get back with you?

I think he probably just doesn't think?

i know c'estlavie, tehre is no point i just wish it wasn't like this. i wish he hada sense of emotional responsibility to them.

being, i think it is when he is bored he rings. he has been seeing someone these past couple of weeks so i think that might explain the long gaps between contact. i am wondering if he has got bored or fallen out with her. he used to contact his otehr exes if we had a fall out. a bit like "I'll show her" sort of thing. i suspect he is doing teh same with this girl.

ILIWYCMB - I used to be incredulous that my DC's dad could say and contradict himself in the way your EX does but the more I read on absent fathers (NRP) the more I came to realise that this is very common behaviour. It doesnt make it right and I still can't fathom quite how their minds work. You're quite right when you mention boredom as this is exactly the point where my XP tries to get in touch. Just as quickly he disappears...

He doesn't think like that because he is a self-obsessed arsehole, end of. Some people just cannot understand that the universe doesn't revolve around them and there is really no point in trying to change such inadequates. Just say, when he calls, that you are busy, and suggest he either speaks to DC (if it's feasible) or suggest a time he could ring and speak to DC.
ANd don't engage at all with any discussion about the former couple-relationship. Don't bother asking him more than once what he has to tell you. Treat him with bored, distant politeness.