how to explain "Our New Life" to 3 yo

[danishmummy]

I would be so grateful for a bit of advice about explaining to DD (nearly 3) why we are all not living in the same house anymore... All advice I have read in books are about younger or older children.

exDH and I have just seperated (amicably, I wanted it to end), which meant he stayed in his Scotland and I moved back to my native Denmark with DD 3 months ago, being 6m pregnant at the time. Daddy has been over twice already and will be back day before my due date. Visits are going well being cosy and good fun (although a bit odd being together without really being together). DD keeps asking, why we can't all live in the same house...

Have tried:

1. that daddy has to work in Scotland (as she knows, he always come back after work) and that is why he is there. Doesn't seem to be enough anylonger so:
2. that mummy and daddy can't be boyfriend and girlfriend anylonger -- but she does not understand the meaning of those words
3. that daddy wants to live in Scotland and mummy wants to live in Denmark

Don't want to fill more explanations on her, making her confused, but don't want her to think that this is a normal relationship, as exDH and I are not affectionate towards eachother except from the odd hug. Would like her to see, that a loving relationship is also about kissing and holding hands.

I feel she is entitled to an explanation and to know she is not to blame (without even using the word so not to plant that seed in her mind), but I don't want to make her even more sad or confused by "adult explanations" that she can't grasp -- and don't want to say that mum and dad argue. She would worry, that we don't like eachother.

Help! (Sorry for the long message).

I don't think you need to worry too much yet about her seeing what a loving relationship entails. You hug her and so she knows that people who love each other do that. I would say it's more important to focus on her feeling secure and you do seem to be doing that already.

It's great that her dad is obviously committed to being around for her too, despite the distance. Your explanations sound sensible to me. We often have to repeat things many times to small children so don't worry if she keeps asking. They just want reassurance.

I would just stick to the explanation that Daddy has to live in Scotland and Mummy has to live in Denmark, and because they're such a long way away from each other, Mummy and Daddy can't live in the same house. But DD will always live with Mummy, and Daddy will come and see her very often (and maybe when she's older she can go and see Daddy too - but I wouldn't scare her with that one yet). I think she just needs to know that you're not going to go and live in a different house from her.

Thank you very much, Anorak, for the advice and reassurance. I so want to help her through the changes and missing daddy. And as you say making her feel secure is most important.

Yes, I am glad too, that her dad is committed despite the distance. Hoping he would move to Denmark one day, for everybody's sake...

Thanks again!

Thanks for the advice, Caligula. We tried doing that, but she wanted to know why Daddy had to be in Scotland and why Mummy had to be in Denmark... kept asking questions to the next answer. But I suppose that is what they do at that age with everything! "But why...?"

You are right that she needs to know, that we are not going to live in 3 different places!! And that Daddy will come to visit often.