Finding it hard to accept he just doesn't care about DD

[RedHairedGirlie]

It?s a bit of a long one?

Summary of situation. DD is 21 mnths, was never with Ex for long - he got back with his ex - got her pregnant, now they have a DD. In contact with Ex's Parents and they have regular visits and are very supportive. Situation with Ex over the last 2 years has been infrequent and totally soul destroying.. am sure he should be certified a Sociopath! Anyway, mid last year he felt he needed 'express' his apology of behaviour of the last couple of years with regards to DD and treatment of me. We started making progress, then he just vanishes off the scene again... ouch that hurt again. In Nov, after feeling calmer about the situation, I thought I would contact him again to see if we could try again with him building a relationship with DD. He was interested, polite and since Dec has seen DD a couple of times, brought her gifts at xmas (never given anything to date and no financial support at all). I thought we had turned a corner. After no further correspondence since New Years - I dropped polite texts to try and keep the communication going with a view to him seeing DD again. Now it appears I am the scum of the earth again and manipulative and have an 'ulterior' motive as I expressed a dislike having to hear about his current partner and her ?approval? of things progressing.. had heard it all before and am sick of hearing about it.. and his attitude towards her on occasion had been less than complimentary when visiting DD, just gives the impression of no respect at all He appears to be Just a total Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I am dumb struck as all I wanted was for DD to have at least some contact with her father (even though he clearly is a complete pratt!!) and for the whole situation to feel less heart breaking. I find it such a struggle to have regular contact with his parents and listen to them talking about when 'he' was young etc. I just don't feel like this hurt is ever going to go away and I am struggling so much still with the fact I know there is another little girl just a couple on months younger than my DD who has his love and attention - it hurts me so much. I know DD is oblivious to all this at the moment, and she has all the love and attention she needs from me. I'm just struggling to move on. I have to admit too that my feelings towards him have been mixed over the last month, feeling attracted to him again - not with the intention of considering a revival of a past relationship - I don't know why, maybe as our short relationship ended so abruptly and I was treated appallingly during pregnancy and after. To sum up the character of this man - the grovelling apologetic letter of last year stated 'he loved me and there would always be a place in his heart for me and it was at the top' and that he made the 'wrong choice' I don't believe any of it, and it was a bit sick to read at the time and I still find it hard to wonder what on earth was going through his mind when he wrote it.

Sorry for the rant - I haven't really talked to family or friends about this as I felt it was something I had to do alone this time as they have heard it all before and I thought If I was less influenced with other opinions I might be able to handle things better.

I just don't know what to feel anymore and I am hurting so much for DD and it worries me that if I continue to feel this way, how much will it pain me when she is at an age to understand that her dad didn't care.. but oh by the way you have a half sister that he does care about - Can't even use the 'He just wasn't ready for kids' approach.

Again, sorry for the rant - I just needed an outlet..

I want so much to move on from all this after 2 years and feel I am still at the same point.

Should I consider severing contact with his parents until I am in a better place to handle this? I would hate to do it.. but just don?t know how to move past this again.

Help

You have tried, don't keep banging your head agaisnt a brick wall. If he wants contact he will arrive and demand it - send him a letter saying at any time if he wants to establish contact that would be great you would really like to arrange regular contact.

then sit back and wait, he probably will not bother - not your problem and not your dd's problem as why have someone in your life who doesn't care.

Get on with your life and making the best of it and move on form this the letter would hopefully give your closure on you have doen what your can and when a perosn is left with everything in their court it is then hard to have to make a choice, but they can't then ever say they didn't have that chocie

I could have written a similar post to yours if mumsnet had been around 15 yrs ago.

DD's dad had other children a bit later on though starting when she was 5 and believe me you will get over it when yours is around that age. Like your child, his parents/siblings wanted to be involved with DD it was only him who didn't. I'm glad that I stuck it out and let them keep in close contact with her. She has a large family on his side that do care about her and through that has contact with her half siblings who she loves seeing. I regret the emotional energy I wasted trying to get him to be her dad.

He still has little contact, has paid minimum maintenance, sends presents at xmas but has never been any support to either of us.

I can only advise you to let him know the door is always open for him to see her and then try and concentrate on you and your lovely daughter.

I know it hurts deeply, even harder when you still have feeling for the father, but stay strong, hold your head up and the feelings will fade in time. Your DD will be fine as she grows up and will make her own mind up about her dad.

Thanks for the replies,

Abouteve, how did you explain or what do you say to DD about her father.. does she ask about him or why he doesn't see her?

abouteve it is good to hear a positive-ish outcome of similar situation to OP well done to you

OP you need to stay away from him, he hurt too much. If you trust enough the grandparents dad side could they see dd at their home so you do not have to hear what's going on in his life?

He met someone and settled down/had another baby when DD was about 5. I told DD that he didn't feel ready to settle down when she was a baby and that he had met someone who he wanted to be with now. Slightly different timing to you. You can explain to your DD, when she is older, that her father had to make a choice and must have got along better with his partner. Make sure she knows it's not her fault and that it's his issue. From what you have said I expect he gets so much grief from his partner and there will be a good deal of insecurity and jealousy.

It is their failings and problem that they have to live with for ever. You and your DD haven't done anything wrong. Try and remember this. It takes time but time heals, it's sad for your DD but IME as long as she knows you love her no matter what, she will be OK.

As time went on DD accepted the way it was. She saw him at family occasions etc. She did battle with it when she was around 11 and started visiting them at their home but it didn't work out well, guess she felt uncomfortable as it was alien to her.

She doesn't bear him any malice and is almost grown up now. She thinks the world of his DC's as I never had anymore children.

Thanks AboutEve, it helps so much just to hear other real stories of similar situations - and I know there are probably many situations like this out there. I have felt a bit better in the last week, I think just blokcing out thinking about it... or maybe this man as hurt me so much I just can't hurt anymore...

I have spoken with the Grandparents in the last couple of days, it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, and they are so supportive and love DD to bits.

Onwards and upwards...

I tried the CSA last this time last year.. done more in anger really - I ended up with an 'anonymous' abusive email calling me all the names under the sun...felt quite intimidated by it so closed the case. I think if I ever move and he doesn't know where we are I might open the case again.. Don't think he would do anything, but given his behaviour over the last year... love you .. hate you.. etc etc.. just not sure.

A similar thing happened to my dh and his mum when he was a baby. His father has been largely absent and has youger children which he brought up (although has recently perked up his interest because of us having dd, which is interesting).

The thing which has made the most difference in dh's life is the fact that his mum is lovely and fabulous. (I'm certain the same goes for Rhadegunde's dd .) It's really important that you remember this, and as others have said - it's not your fault.

You have all my sympathy. I have no idea how you do this if you have to deal with the father on a regular basis (see my post on ex's girlfreind).

I hate being made to feel totally powerless -you can't make them do anything, you have to guess what they want to do next, make excuses for them to your child, be the grown up whilst they can be totally juvinille,etc etc.

I guess the only thing you can do is make both your lives as nice as they can be and look out for a better role model to replace him. He may be a father but I'm sure there is someone out there that can help you parent. Good luck. With you all the way.

I just wanted to say you're not alone, redhairedgirlie, although I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give you because I don't know what to do myself.

DS is going to be one on Thursday, and his father hasn't been in serious contact since he was 4 weeks old. He has 2 older boys from a previous relationship, and likes to show what a "perfect father" he is to them. He told them about DS- they got to meet and cuddle him- then cut him out of their lives. I have no idea how he has explained this to them.

We live very close, so close that we sometimes see the younger boy, with his mum, at playgroup. I've tried to initiate contact between the brothers through her, but haven't got anywhere yet.

DS' paternal grandmother was keen to see him at first, but over the last few months has stopped responding to my texts.

I feel very, very sad.

I am in a similiar position as well, I wanted dd to have contact with her dad but he wanted no involvement. I find it impossible to comprehend as dd is lovely and everyone who knows her comments on what a gorgeous little girl she is. I can't face doing the csa thing and so subsequently have never had a penny off him. Dd has a few times got very upset over not having a daddy, and I don't know the best thing to say. I tend to just go with but you have got a mummy, nanny and grandad that love you very much. In a way I feel sorry for him because he is the one missing out and the one who will have to explain himself one day when my dd wants to find him for herself.