Do you think men think we're stupid?

[mummery]

This is kind of following on from the 'why won't men date single parents' thread.

I'm not internet dating anymore, but I did for a while, and one comment on a man's profile stuck in my mind. He said he didn't want to meet single mothers, because...

"Sorry, but unless he was hit by a bus, you should have known better!"

That's verbatim, and of course 'he' is the everyman absent father.

It made me wonder, maybe a good few of those men who don't want to date LPs actually think we're a bit dumb, ie, too daft to use contraception, too thick to know when a man is not good father material, not intelligent enough to understand what constitutes or how to conduct a successful and enduring relationship...in essence, too stupid not to end up as LPs.

Maybe it stuck in my head because on dark days I suspect some of the above might be true about myself

WDYT?

I think men who I've met have usually thought of me more as tragic and badly done by than stupid. I've done well academically in my life and I've rarely met a man who thought I was stupid.

I'll hold my hand up and say I did make stupid decisions in the past - but it was all part of a learning process. And I'm not sure the 'smart' decision would have been so much smarter, as I wouldn't have had a wonderful child otherwise .

I get a bit annoyed with the 'tragic fallen woman' stereotype too - it stirs up less hatred than the 'feckless single mum' but it's just another fantasy for men to be a hero and rescue a helpless little woman.

no. i think some men think women are stupid. some men are intelligent enough to think of women as peopel and treat them accordingly.

The guy sounds an arse tbh. Quite why anyone, even if they aren't a single mother, would want to go on a date with such a tool is beyond me.
The right person will not care that you've got children. And thank god, because who needs someone who thinks you are stupid?

ermm ladies why is being a single parent a position of weakness?

Is it?

We have control of our lives, nobody is beating us or shouting us , WE make the decisions.....

We have kids who love us and look up to us,we work hard how is that stupid????

I would say staying in an unhappy or abusive relationship is much stupider myself ...

but them im just a dumb single mum so what would i know....

in the interests of..equality (...) there seem a few women who think we're stupid as well! :)

or after their husbands....

frankly - if anyone is stupid, it's my ex for thinking with his cock and missing out on such a lot of our childrens general marvellousness...and any bloke who doesn't appreciate that i am a fucking goddess and he'd be lucky to get anywhere near me!

Hey - who you calling stoopid?
The feckless twatty so called parents who bring a helpless, innocent little person into the world and don't care and aren't interested in what happens to them...
or the strong, faithful and committed parent that takes all the shit this world cares to throw at then and is STILL there day after day making sure said little persons get a decent start to their lives come what may?
The only way someone can think a single parent is stupid is if they are blindly ignorant and naieve.

I think you should count yourself lucky that he went to the trouble of outing himself as a pus-bucket at the outset.

Imagine if you had gone to the trouble of getting to know him?

of course they do, men and women (most of them in my experience)
in general they also think that the man did a runner, which it is indeed very common
I let them think. If I told the truth ie actually he was not him who damped me it will open up too many questions that I am not keen to answer and unless I gave my all life history my decision would not make any sense. Should I feel compelled to open up (which I never do) I am not sure the outcome - me not being stupid - would be any different
On the other hand I have meet men who were in awe of such strength display (shame it ended there and there were not otherwise sparkle or was I too busy breastfeeding / pram pushing / running off to and from school to notice?
All in all I have not experience my support, sympathy or compassion (com' feel good, on pity me, me poor thing) which does piss me off a bit cause sometime I feel treated worse then a criminal even they seem to be getting second chances
But than again when your own (toxic) relatives pass sneaky comments such as " oh well you knew it too be hard " or " you did not really expect us to take responsibilities for you " what can you expect from strangers

not bitter much tonite

so badly written hey

Not badly written at all Bee.

Interesting to hear your opinions. I've felt various 'vibes' from men. A frequent one is to do with money. Eg being worried you're after a meal ticket, or alternatively being surprised when you're not interested in dating them, after all the material rewards that are on offer . But it's the 'stupid' vibe that really grates. Maybe stupid's not exactly the right word, but the awareness that he thinks you made an enormously bad decision that has blotted your life and damaged your potential, that you're less of a catch. Also the vibe that because you're towing baggage you should be grateful of male attention and especially male commitment.

Mind you, whoever mentioned relatives - in terms of direct comments I have heard worse from people in my family/close to me. Though I expect a lot of men are harbouring the same sentiments.

Mummery are you dating anyone at the moment?

Oh actually I can think of a positive comment a distant relative made when she introduce me to some people at her son wedding

she aid "meet Bee and her beautiful boy, she aint stupid is she, she has got it right she has the best of both worlds, she found a fine speciment for the job and look at the stunning result !

If only that was true...but hey it is true on some level cause by ds is an amazing child but never in a million year I would have been so superficial to set out to be a single mum

I always look more better off than I am I never knew why I give the impression of been middle class while I ve been skint throughout my life

So going back to the men, I do not get the vibe I could be after their money.

Still 40something childless men are still dreaming of having it all.... hello darling take a good look at yourself. No one is single at your age without having seriuosly f*k up at some point or have massive commitment issues

Divorced men have had enough of family life so no chance there either. At least not until they have gone out with a few younger women and got badly hurt. Need an evil grin emoticon here

Oh well..... if it happens it happens otherwise I will be just making up statistic. Someone has to be lonely till the end of their time and if that is be, tough, I will have to deal with it

getting bitter by the minute .. me

Sadly, I think men often think us single mums are after a meal ticket, because many single mums are.

I've been single for years, not through lack of offers but because I'm strong and capable and proud to raise my child alone. So I'm often surprised when I chat to single mums who have jumped straight back into a relationship within a few months, talking about what a lovely life their new man has been able to give them. It probably is a lovely life - while it lasts, which invariably isn't too long.

A male friend of mine who is also a single NRP said he knows if he dates a single mum that he will always be way down her priority list as she has to put the children first.

His view is that a lot of men dont like that, so would much rather date a single woman. (mind you he is still happy to date me!)

DP knows he's lower on the priority list than my child, but he has enough self-confidence to cope with that, fortunately. I think he admires the fact that I'm committed to my child and finds it less shallow than other women my age who spend their time worrying about fairly trivial stuff.

TBH, even if I didn't have kids, a man would still be lower priority than things like my education and ambitions. I feel sad when I hear single friends giving up jobs or plans to stay with/move to be with their partners. A man has never been the focus of my life, there is much more to me than that.

As a single Dad I find that single women are pretty much the same as you think of single men. They would rather run a mile than considered getting involved with a guy raising a kid on his own.

Too much baggage.

Before being married and having kids myself the prospect of taking on someone who has all the issues from a previous relationship, an ex who would resent your efforts to parent his children and then the children themself would have seemed too daunting.

Now having been through parenting with my own kids and still having them at weekends I would actually find myself more compatible with another single parent and would have similar life experiences.

Single guys just need gradually breaking in rather than being thrown in at the deep end.