I don't want my children to spend time with her

[zumbazumba]

I'm a new lone parent. I have been betrayed by my husband and a good friend (they had an affair and now apparently are going to sail off in the sunset together) Meanwhile I'm left with having to try and explain to my boys where there Daddy has gone. I have told him that I do not want them anywhere near her (I have huge resentment, I havn't actually seen her yet). He has stated that I can't stop him. I feel powerless. The worry of it keeps me awake at night. They live with me and I've tried to keep their routine. They are really good boys and I love spending time with them. When they are away on his day/evening I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself. It eats me up to know that she could spend time with them and I just have to smile and pretend its ok.

Hi Zumba - I think it's normal to feel this way.

You say you are a new lone parent, so it will take time for you to come to terms with all of this. But what helped me was not too dwell on it too much. I think it also helps to talk to family and friends about your feelings.

yes,its normal,course it is.

but you just have to be the bigger person and leave them to it.

What is it that is actually worrying you?
I can understand you feeling very very angry at the betrayal and that she is muscling in on your family. But they are your DCs and she can't really have an impact on that.
It must be intolerable for you to let your former 'friend' spend time with the DCs, but are you worried it will actually harm them?

I'm really sorry for what you're going through zumbazumba. It sounds like everything is still very raw for you.

Please try not to worry about your boys spending time with 'the new woman'. As you know, there is nothing you can do to stop this happening. You don't have to pretend everything is OK though. Of course it is going to be hard for you.In the end, what does it really matter if they spend time with her? You are their Mother - nothing can compare to that.

I know what you mean when you talk about the feeling of being lost when your boys are away.
Please believe me that this feeling will pass and you will actually look forward to getting a few hours to yourself. It just takes time.

"It eats me up to know that she could spend time with them and I just have to smile and pretend its ok"

It is very painful to be in your situation. What matters is that your boys are having continuity with their father and I'm afraid that "the new woman" is now part of his life. You have to find a way of moving on from pretending it's okay to it actually being okay. This is really hard but your sons need that from you. Have faith in yourself, in them and in your relationship with them. What matters are these things, not the woman. She has behaved badly towards you but that is nothing to do with your sons. Your husband has behaved badly towards you but that is also an adult matter, not a matter for children. There have been consequences for your sons, but you can help them deal with that. You are going to need to be very strong and brave for the sake of your children. Because you love them, you will do it.

Am going to air some family troubles to see if it will help in any way.

My SIL's 1st hb left her for a very close friend, shortly after she had her third child. She loathed the idea of the children seeing this woman, especially the idea of her baby being cuddled by her. But gritted her teeth and sent them off, knowing the dcs needed a good relationship with their dad despite what had occurred. The eldest was bout 7 then and it was presented as Daddy loves someone else now but still loves you blah blah...

3/4 years later eldest dd asked why they had split up and asked for more details and pieced together the OW had been SIL's bf and that it had started when SIL was pg . DD then announced to her father she never wanted to see 'that skank again', only him. SIL's ex-hb said that was never going to be an option, so dd said fine, I don't want to see you either. EXhb then tried to force contact and it ended up with an ugly confrontation at his house which resulted in dd yelling v accusatory things at the OW and throwing a lot of stuff around. SHe no longer sees either of them, dc2 only sees his dad for footie practice and the like, and it's only the younger dc who has any kind of meaningful contact.

SIL said at the time she was so hurt maybe she would have been pleased at the outcome, but now she is just desperately sad that her kids feel so hurt/angry.

It's desperately sad. You just keep having to ask yourself, I think, what's best for the kids. That said some sensitivity from twatex wouldn't go amiss.

That's a really great post kangaroo.
OP it must be terrifically hard for you, but every time you feel like committing murder (I know I would in the same position as you ), I'm sure the love you have for your DCs will help you overcome it.
BTW take comfort that if he's done it to you, then some time down the line he'll more than likely do it to her. You are well rid IMHO.

Its sooo hard my xh did respect my wishes for a while but I bowed to the inevitable quite quickly. Great advice already given to you and I can only add that this side of things proved harder to get over than the split but you do get past it because of the best outcome for the dc being paramount.

zumbazumba you need time to come to terms with how you feel ...It always amazes me that some men and women think you are going to say oh ok then ,here play happy families with the kids

Take your time ,hes an insensitive twat imo

Have you tried asking calmly that he keeps her away from the dc just for the time being ie appealing to his better nature ?

It does not get better when a good friend betrays you and your husband betrays you at the same time.

Your foundations of who you trust ( neither of them) are rocked and will quite frankly never recover. That the OW thinks you should behave normally and accept that she can be trusted to look after your DCS, likewise EXH, when they quite patently were not thinking in the DCs best interest earlier is very hard to stomach.

You have been hurt and everytime they get to stick it to you again and again and again. When people you should just smile and accept - not so simple. It is like rubbing salt into a wound and ensuring it never can heal - because it will not and they get to stick their infidelity in your face everytime- and people think you should get over it - yeah right!!

The feelings of loneliness will improve and you will be calmer but get over it never.

I feel for you, although my exh didn't leave with my best friend, there was an OW and probably hurts just as much??

Unfortunately you have NO say in what he does with the children or who he introduces to them etc - that hurts but you learn to live with it. A lot of men are pigheaded and don't think about the consequences on the children, and mums just have to learn to pick up the pieces, and yes to a certain extent grit those teeth and 'pretend' everything is ok (but remind yourself you are doing the right thing for the children).

It's been 7 years for me and I still hurt when I see her. Albeit very hard at times, I have to remove any thoughts of her playing 'happy families' with my children and just have to remind myself that as long as she is kind to them, looks after them well and the children have no real complaints about her then I can ask for no more (that far outweighs my dislike for her and her dislike for me!) - The day she steps out of line though, seven years of locked up hurt/anger may explode and my actions may not be so honourable

Rise above her and put your children first. You will find ways to cope even if it doesn't feel like it now. :)

tali101 - thanks. I feel the same as you and all these people who say as long as she is nice to the kids you should be happy are talking rubbish.

You are powerless to retaliate for fear of what that may do to your DCs and it is a natural human instinct to retaliate when attacked.

Other than the fact I am 10 yrs older than the OW (good family friend) I would dance on her grave but I fear she will get the chance to do that on mine first- does make me smile but anyone who thinks the anger and hurt go away is mad. They remain buried and scratch the surface they will erupt again.

OP: You are in a really tough predicament - I don't think anybody responding to your post underestimates that.

Kangaroo's post is a vivid description of what can happen down the line in situations such as yours. Too often it ends up with a lot of adults feeling vindicated that they acted reasonably given their own feelings, etc., etc., and the kids being the ones who really pay the price. Things are tough for everybody, but they are always toughest for the kids because they have to somehow find a way live in both 'camps', each of which wants its own point of view to be properly understood and considered. However difficult it is for the adults, they're stronger and have greater resources for dealing with these things than children (or they should have!). They have greater freedom, more power and more choices. You may not feel you do at the moment, but you do.

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling aggrieved. It sounds like you have every right to be. When a relationship ends, feelings of resentment and disappointment are normal and very often justified. Regardless of the circumstances it's always impossible to avoid a sense of failure and that too is very painful. You're allowed to have all these feelings and to express them (you'd be a robot or a some kind of seriously inhuman person if you didn't).

Where you do have to be hard on yourself is making sure your sons are not involved in any part in this process. Your job is to worry about and help them with their problems. It is not their job to do the same for you.

You may be like some of the posters here and still feel very raw about it several years on. It doesn't have to be like that and I hope it's not for you. What often keeps these things alive for the parents is the continuation of the conflict through the children. That will be bad for you and even worse for them. Enjoy your kids, be the best mum you can for them, get over your ex and move on with your life.

I hope this ex of yours turns out to be a better father to his sons than he turned out to be a partner to you. It's in the interest of your sons that he is, so you should hope for this too.

I'm completely amazed and grateful for all of the comments that I've had on my original post. Everyone has valid and positive things to say, it is strangely comforting to hear strangers perspectives. I'm doing the school run tommorrow and theres always the chance I'll come face to face with 'her'. Your comments have made me realise that whatever I'm feeling inside (hurt, rage, anger and sadness) I don't want to show any of that to either of them. I want to hold my head high and say "I didn't deserve to be treated this way and this is not my fault". My boys need a strong, fun mummy. I don't want to be miserable because that would make me feel like they've somehow won. I know I will get over this and I will be happy again, if I dare to think anything else it gets scary. I'm just so sorry that my boys have to restle with all of these feelings too and I don't have all the answers.

Good for you, zumbazumba! Speaking as a man, and not wishing to be disloyal to my own sex, I think your ex is a weak pile of shte. I'm sure he has good qualities and he's your ex and everything, but he's a pile of shte. If you've got problems in a relationship you sort them out or leave. You don't shout 'TAXI' and use someone else to carry you out. Whoever the OW is, she's got to deal with the reality that if times get tough she's with a bloke who might call another cab! As far as I'm concerned their relationship had an undignified start and, whatever happens, that is a very poor reflection on both of them. They may prove themselves to be better than their start suggests, but that's something they have to overcome with themselves and each other. You had no part in it so you've already got good reason to hold your head high. By my way of reckoning, they've already lost their dignity. It is for them to prove it and for you to lose it. I think you've won already. Keep it that way!

I agree with Andre, I too had to deal with my ex leaving me with small children and I dreaded the times my kids spent with his OW.

It is hard to get used to but I promise you will do eventually. Just remember, your kids will always love and need you more than any other woman who comes into their lives. Your ex's OW will NEVER be able to compete with you.

As others have said, as long as your kids are being treated well then you will all be ok.

Also, please know that however you feel about this OW I would put money on the fact she feels alot worse about you!. I would bet that she is extremely jealous of you as YOU are the mother of this man's children and YOU will always be in her life for as long as she is with him.
Honestly, hold your head high if you see them together and you may over time watch their relationship crumble as his OW will never trust this man and will give him earache every time he sees or speaks with you!

If it helps - my ex had any number of OW and some of them were quite sweet (often younger) but the one he decided to live with after I eventually wised up and threw his ass out was an utter cow who made no secret of the fact that she resented DD, didn't want her in the house, and would make nasty comments to her at every opportunity.

It was a nightmare and I was so relieved when that relationship was over and the next one was with a lovely woman who was affectionate and supportive of ex's relationship with DD.

On the other side of the coin, my DH's ex hates me - I was not OW, BTW, and have always supported her parenting decisions in our home and done my level best never to disrespect her or her views.

So the phrase 'playing happy families' gets on my nerves a bit. People sometimes split up - it isn't usually one person's fault entirely - and we all move on and have other people in our lives. It is the kids that have to cope with it - would you rather a step-parent was at least trying to be nice to your kids and 'playing happy families' or would you rather your DC's were being treated like crap (playing unhappy families?) so you would feel vindicated?