Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

How do I deal with a nightmare ex?!

12 replies

chwedl · 16/01/2011 22:16

Hi, I'll apologise before starting that this will be a little 'ranty' as I try to explain a very complicated situation.
I split up with my ex of 3 years after suffering mental, and sometimes physical abuse. I found out i was pregnant and stupidly took him back. When my son was 5 months old I decided enough was enough and didn't want my son to witness a life of abuse and violence. My ex was extremely bitter about it and refused to see my son for over a year. During which time I made the effort to keep in contact with his family for my son's sake. (None of which were or are helpful). My ex comes from a very emotionally mixed up family. Last August he decided he wanted to see him again. It has been erratic to say the least. I don't hear from him for weeks then he's back wanting to see him. He turns up late, has to leave early and generally expects us to revolve around him. It's also clear that he wants me back (will never EVER happen!) and is using visits to try and flirt with me. My son doesn't know him and is very unsure of him therefore I have to stay during the visits in order for my son to get used to him (which isn't happening as it's not regular visits). I've also been hearing that my ex is telling people that I'm the bad one, stopping him seeing his son etc, which really grates as I've done all I can to let my son know his dad. He doesn't pay any maintenance and is self employed so I will never see any either. The whole situation is stressing me out and I don't see any progress. I want my son to know his father but I don't want him to grow up seeing the mind games his dad plays constantly. Does anyone have any similar experience and how do you cope? ANY advice is welcome!!!

OP posts:

JustForThisOne · 16/01/2011 23:01

I think you need to put some kind of "order" in your life and your ds life. You have been very brave so far after what you have been put through but it is not working.
I would suggest Women Aid or a family lawyer / mediation.
The latter can be expensive from what I understand.
The visits must be arranged an supervised. Do you have family around? Could the meetings between dc and ex happen at a relative house?
You need to keep your boundaries up. Your dc is growing up and you need to make sure he is not exploited by his father as a mean to get to you.
I take it as the violence was never reported but please do not be in denial, not saying you are. The less you see him the better I would have thought

Original poster

chwedl · 17/01/2011 00:44

Yes my family are great, very supportive and if it wasn't for my mother I don't know where I'd be. But I've tried to get him to see my son through my mother but he refuses point blank. Makes excuses and in the end I give in because I think of my son and that he needs to know his dad. I know that so far I am the one giving in and my ex the one making demands and I just give in to avoid the hassle. In the long run I know I'm not doing myself any favours. So far he will only see him at HIS mother's house. This is safe enough regarding abuse etc but his mother has the same personality type as him and i often feel bullied by both of them. I never did report the violence, although I did phone the police once when we split up for the last time because he was threatening me. They just gave him a caution. I'm not scared of him physically anymore, it's just the mind games and mental abuse that is draining. One minute he is nice as pie and if something doesn't go his way then he starts blaming and being abusive. The latest is that he wants to take my son for the 3 days that i will be working. For one he is not reliable enough to be able to keep up one visit a week. another reason I don't want this is because i don't want my son exposed to him for that long. Is this unfair?

OP posts:

JustForThisOne · 17/01/2011 01:55

chwedi the only unfair bit is that you keep referring to ds as "my son"
I think you have been very fair and extremely accommodating while he can refuse point blank when you suggest visit at your mums
I am glad you are not living in fear still you admit he plays mind games and he and his mums are bullies. I personally would not be able to cope with this and I will want to begin to assert myself and have my wishes respected too "point blank"
try to call SS, WA (others in the morning will be able to suggest the best way to go about it)
Try to work out what you would like in particular as you are starting a new job 3 days a week you will need peace of mind and to know the child is well cared for

cestlavielife · 17/01/2011 15:05

defintiely arrange alternative childcare for the days you working - you cannot afford for someone unrealiable to be doing this . jsut keep offering regular supervised contact for now.

Original poster

chwedl · 17/01/2011 21:41

I have just sorted out a great childminder now. ds (better Justforthisone? ;) ) went there today for the morning and i felt so much better knowing he's in safe reliable hands. The only thing to sort out now is visits. Once a week seems to be too much for my x as he's busy/late blah blah blah. How often would you recommend him seeing his dad? I know this isn't an ordinary case because of my ex's unpredictableness and controlling ways.

OP posts:

balia · 17/01/2011 22:08

Take a step back (and a deep breath!). What would you say to someone in your position?

I agree with justforthisone - you need some order. And a calm think about how far your responsibility goes in terms of making sure your son has a relationship with his father.

I'd write a calm, polite letter informing him that the current arrangements for contact are not working for your son and that he needs a reliable routine for contact. If you know he won't bother, you could organise a contact centre for regular visits, or inform ex that is what he needs to do.

Thank him for his offer of childcare but firmly point out that your DS must be the focus, not the convenience or wishes of the adults and a regular pattern of commitment must be established for their relationship to progress. Suggest regulsr phone contact if your DS is old enough (and they can manage this from a pretty young age) and make the goal posts clear - eg if he phones every week at a particular time for x number of weeks and attends the contact centre sessions for x weeks he can take DS for a walk/to a soft play centre/park (or whatever) but when he lets DS down, the clock starts again.

It's my guess that he'll either shape up, feck off, or throw all his toys out of the pram and take you to court. Whereupon they will make him do exactly the above.

And don't worry about what he says to other people - they all know he is just making excuses for his sad and sorry behaviour.

pickgo · 17/01/2011 23:03

I think you need professional involvement here.
It's very hard to assert yourself when you've had an abusive relationship with an ex. It's too easy to slip into the same routines IMHO.
Are you sure that contact with the nasty idiot dad would be such a great thing for your DS anyway? Particularly if you are having to do all the work/compromises to get the relationship off the ground? Is he really decent dad material? Might DS be better off without seeing him?

Meglet · 17/01/2011 23:14

I tend to agree with pickgo. He's not a good Dad and you and your DS are bearing the brunt of it.

My XP was abusive, messed us around etc. After a few months I'd had enough and told him he couldn't see the DC's until we had been to family mediation. We went to mediation and he got himself kicked out for being angry. I set the wheels in motion for the CSA, he had had the same job for over 10 years so we got the money within 2 months - he was pissed off about it but I had a pretty tough skin by that point. I arranged a contact centre for the DC's and he never turned up. His choice. I'm sure he slags me off to high heaven, I really couldn't care less. We haven't seen him in 18 months now and it's no great loss, he was so crap / abusive when he was here it's easier without him.

TBH I would sort out mediation if I were you and see how it goes. If he still mucks about see if you can arrange a contact centre. Stop giving him the chance to mess you about.

JustForThisOne · 18/01/2011 11:20

great advice on here
and btw chwedl you sound like a great mum

Original poster

chwedl · 18/01/2011 21:05

Thanks for all your advice :) Here's my progress. After 2 weeks of not hearing from him he is back making demands. I have sent him a text message offering that I go to his mums, as usual, on thursday. I have also said that if he's more than 10 minutes late I will be leaving (if it were the other way around and I only got visits I'd be there half an hour early in my absolute eagerness and excitement to see my baby!) I have also been recommended a good solicitor who I will phone first thing tomorrow to arrange to meet with. Hopefully all I will need off the solicitor is advice and hopefully it won't have to go further. So here's hoping that thursday's visit goes smoothly eh!

OP posts:

JustForThisOne · 19/01/2011 00:32

well done, stick to the plan and keep updating

pickgo · 19/01/2011 18:02

Glad you're getting it sorted.
Your DS is about 18 months? think the time is coming soon when his Dad's unreliability might start effecting him.
So perhaps this should be your ex's Last Chance to make a regular arrangement and demonstrate that he can stick to it?
Make sure you emphasise to the solicitor that the current arrangement is

not stuck to
unsatisfactory because MIL is as bullying as him
that he has not built a relationship with your DS so contact should be limited AND supervised.

Good luck chwedl, you're doing a great job for your DS.

Flip