Just had a good cry standing outside the hospital.

[Darlingdamsel]

I had my booking appointment today, during which she asked me for emergency contact details. I put my mother, who lives in the States as I usually do. The midwife though kept insisting I put someone down who lives in the UK. She kept droning on about if I was admitted in an emergency and how important it would be for someone to check up on me, get me things from home and such. And I felt such a panic.

Its not like I don?t have friends (smile)? I do. And they are lovely and I am sure if I put one of them down on the form, they would do their best to help. But I also know they are really busy people ? mothers with several children, senior professionals, and plus a few others are always away on businesses. I don?t have a best girlfriend (she moved to Vienna) and oddly those I do the most with are mostly male friends, who this whole pregnancy thing is a bit overwhelming to say the least. Alas those where ?busy? doesn?t apply aren?t in London.

And it occurred to me how alone I am and lets just say that I did have an emergency, who could I call upon to drop everything to help. And then because of my damn hormones I started crying (actually I still am) that if something happened right now, no one would know. It made me feel so alone and horrible. And I am sure usually someone who is good at being pragmatic and optimistic. But not right now.

Actually I feel vulnerable, but I still don?t feel ok volunteering any and everyone to help me. I know it sounds crazy, but with my ex walking away ? I don?t want to me to become the ?needy friend?. And this pregnancy is so private I guess. Someone mentioned I really should have someone to bring to the hospital with me when the time comes and it made me feel really similar today. Its really scary and I don?t feel happy or ok with any of the solutions ? I don?t want to be alone, but I don?t want to have to call on any and everyone for help.
I just don?t know what to do. Anyone else been here?

Oh yeah
I was on my own most all the way and I was alone in the delivery room. To honest it is not like some one else can do the job for you iyswim
Do not worry you will be ok, if I managed trust me anyone can. In between contraction I managed to have a teeny weeny panic attack, have some food and even take some naps. Professional are great and even in an emergency they will be the only people that can actually do anything at all.

must dish out food back in a mo

Could you afford a Doula for during the birth? That would be ideal if you could find the right one you clicked with to support you in labour and be there with you.

I'm now a lone parent but was married for a few years and I couldn't imagine being in your shoes, but I wanted to send you a ((hug)) as your post made me feel so sad and suggest the doula idea.

I got a doula. expensive but worth it. TBH if ex was there I'd have probably bit his head off! I could have done it without my doula anyway. All the best and congrats!

I'm another one who did it alone. Agree with Beeandson. No one can do it for you and I enjoyed doing it alone. Once we went home I just went on babytime and loved every second of it

Did it alone too but got Mum to stay over time of birth. Could you do that?
It is a vulnerable time but tbh not sure being with a partner helps necessarily iyswim!
I think you should try and have a chat with just one friend who would be your first port of call in an emergency. Just for your own peace of mind. I bet they'll feel flattered that you'd think they were up to the job. It's very unlikely you'd need to call on them but just knowing you've got a plan might help.
Have you thought about a homebirth? That way you get a midwife staying with you the whole time and it might feel a lot less stressful?
CHin up and take it easy on yourself.

I had both of my daughters without my then husband or anyone else present. The staff were a bit taken aback at having to do everything, they couldn't delegate the smallest task to make someone else feel useful! They couldn't leave me alone either once things really got going. However, the midwives were absolutely brilliant and I never felt that things would have been better if I'd had someone I knew with me. DD1 had a very traumatic birth and I was actually glad that no-one else had to deal with the aftermath of that, and actually there were about 9 staff in the delivery room at one point and that was probably enough!!

I remember freaking out about eating towards the end of my pregnancy, in case I choked and couldn't call an ambulance, and no one would know what had happened. Obviously I was fine but it was an anxious time. I can't pretend my friends understood what I was going through, but when I got bigger and less able to do things they did rally round - hope yours do too.

I also had a doula for birth and post natal which has been excellent.

I was on my own during pregnancy and asked friends to come to antenatal stuff with me, which was fine and I stayed with my mum around the time of the birth. The midwifes shouldn't be pressing you or making you feel more stressed!! Its probably worth having some kind of emergency plan in place just for peace of mind. I def needed my mum as both me and my dd were really ill when dd was born and I ended up having further surgery when she was 2 weeks old. I was quite an extreme example though!!! Am sure you will be fine, is there any other family members you can call on?

I am back. Good, you have already been told about a doula. If you can afford it that is great, otherwise you should speak to your GP and see if there is any help for vulnerable mothers (that you are)
Try to google Sure Start. I know people got referred to directly by their GP.
A doula will also assist you at home with the baby.

If you feel more at ease with your male friends do get them involved. They will be able to do shop run, laundry, give you lifts to the hospital when you need.

May even turn out to be more helpful than female friend and less intrusive (squeamish is good sometime)

When is your due date? Do you go to ante natal classes?
You may even found another single mum in there or just someone who lives near by and strike a friendship

I am still in contact with one of the mums from the course. We clicked as we were both in a right mess, myself on my own while she had gone totally off her DH and could not relate to happy couples around. We shared advice over the phone and had a few giggles

I had a dolua and it didn't cost me anything :-) They have a hardship fund to help mums who can't afford and as a single mum you get priority. If it helps, having a partner can actually make things worse. My ex was at the birth (we split when DD2 was 6 weeks) and he make the whole experience horrible - there was one point when the paramedic nearly threw him out of the ambulace. But do look into having a dolua I couldn't have coped without mine.

Feel for you - I am alone (with son) and have been from mid way through pregnancy. lucky for me I have always been pretty independent and like to be in control. but it is pretty shitty when you look at all your friends and think to yourself "oh but they are all so busy" - not that they're not friends, or not nice, but you somehow can't bring yourself to intrude on them somehow.

and do you know what, I think this is what your friends are here for, if you can only bring yourself to ask! I bet if you made a list of things you need, and friends you could ask and either rang or emailed everyone, they would be only too happy to be "on call" or the emergency contact, or the person who you give a house key to or whatever. Or can you involve your best friend, she may be abroad but she can still email or phone on your behalf? It can be so hard to ask yourself, but get your friend to do the asking, that way people feel they can say no if they really can't help, and you also get screened from any knock backs, which would make you feel crap.

Sending you "un-MN" hugs.

Wow.

I want to thank you all so much for your comments. I have guests from the States and so had to calm myself down a bit before they came back from site seeing and make them dinner. So I am just getting caught up and my heart really needed all of your commments.

I would like to respond to everyone tomorrow if that is ok? But sincerely thank you.

I am amazed about how many have gone though this as well. Women are really the stronger sex.

Thank you.

I found being pregnant on my own very tough, as even people with small children forget what it's like, and are often too busy with their kids to be there for you.I felt very let down by the people I thought were my best friends, and some of those friendships have never recovered.

I think the advice to go to antenatal classes is a good one, because you will meet a bunch of women as interested in (literal) navel gazing as you are! There might also be some kind of "preparing for baby" classes in your area- don't expect the midwives to necessarily know them all, you might have to do a bit of searching.

It gradually gets better and better after the birth-at least it did for me- as you feel stronger and stronger and less hormonal. You will also then be a fully-paid-up member of "mother and baby world", which you will find has many more inhabitants, some of whom you are sure to get on with.

Is there any way that your mum could come and stay with you for the birth, and for some weeks afterwards? Staying with my parents for a month was the best thing I could have done!

One thing I still do, as I worry about having a fall or something, and not being discovered for days, is text my mum every morning- if she doesn't get a text, and can't get hold of me, she has a friend's number to call who will check if we're OK...

IT GETS BETTER!

hello! had to reply i was you 12 months ago.

I to would sugesst a doula information about hardship fund

if your mother or other family member can't be here around the time of birth.

I was luck that my best friend is a midwife and asked me if she could be there when i thought that she would be busy (she is also mother of 4. your local surestart will have a pregnant and new mums group try here as i dont know where abouts in the country you are.

and i would also say join mumsnet antenatal group for the month you are due. as at least then you have people going through the same thing. other things are when preparing for after the birth: keep some money in house for takeaway or taxi if you should need it
get food prepared and frozen for after birth when you wont want to be cooking or takaway menus ( expensive route) dont worry you will be fine and you can always get lots of support here.

when are you due? and where in the world are you?

Hey Darlingdamsel I'm also pregnant and a little bit alone!! I have two boys already (7 & 8) and I'm due again in August... when are you due??

Granted my mum's close but she is a work'a'holic so dont see as much of her as I would like to really.

Anyway if ever you want a little bit of a chat chicky message me I dont mind and will get back to you as soon as I can. On here most nights because once my boys are in bed I have bugger all else to do.

Chin up chick x

Again, I really want to thank you guys. I felt so lonely when I came out of the hospital and going through the birth experience by myself didn?t seem so bad before my booking appointment. Suddenly I just felt overwhelmed.

BeeandSon, Nixnjj, Pickgo, Lilacinlove and WonderingStar ? I am amazed you guys did it all by yourself with no one holding your hand, coaching you along and making you laugh a bit along the way. I like the idea of being a bit tough and handling it on my own and knowing that others have gone this route and been fine makes me feel much better. Granted, I would love to ask you guys more questions closer to the date but thanks for letting me know it is doable and actually it may even be better in some circumstances.

Teaandcakeplease (love the name as it makes me a bit hungry), poshsinglemum, paigeturner and especially hanispan and itshappenagain thanks for the details abut Doula. Money is understandably tight (will look at the fund), but if I could find a trainee doula ? that would be perfect! I will do a bit of homework as it?s a great option and it sounds like everyone who used them thought they were worth it.

Pickgo and Girliefriend ? alas my mother works in the US and they only have a week or so of holiday per year. As babies don?t come to schedule, I doubt my mom could time it right and come. It would though be a great solution if it had worked. I am seeing her in Feb and will see if we can find a solution

Paigeturner ? I am hoping too. I think I just had one of those panic attacks. Glad to know I am not alone.

Beeandsoon ? again thanks. I am not too sure about involving my male friends right now but actually they tend to be who I am closest with (two of which are now calling me ?mama? which is humorous). You have a good point. Plus, thanks for popping back by after dinner to see how things were progressing.

WonderingStar ? I know exactly what you mean and I do want / know I need to involve them. But I don?t want to become too needy on the small stuff and then need them for the big stuff and they feel its all a bit overwhelming (am I making sense?). Everyone has been genuinely happy and curious about how thing are going (one friend even bought me the ?What to Expect? book). I just don?t want to be too taxing. And my friend in Vienna had a child about 3 weeks ago and she is kind of sidetracked, but thanks for the brainwave!

Maledetta ? thanks for the honesty. Really. You have given me some of the downsides for good for thought and I need to think about how to manage it and not get down about it all. My family is very far away, otherwise I would do the same.

Littlebeaut ? Hi! See below ? I am due a bit earlier and will likely be induced pre-date due a medical issue. But how do you do it with 2?! I am struggling to cope on my own. Would be lovely to keep in touch and cheer each other on.

And for you guys that asked ? I am due 21/7 and am in London!

I would defo like to keep in touch and cheer each other on yeah!! I have my scan on Friday and I'm really nervous about that - eeeek!!

You will cope with two chick, because you have to and lets face it... theres people out there that have coped with more/worse so dont worry x

DD - you sound much stronger!
But you also sound really hung up on asking these mates for help. Try turning it round the other way. If one of your friends was up the duff, would you resent it she'd asked for a little bit of help then asked for something bigger? I think not? JUST ASK!!
Other thing is a friend of mine wanted her mum for birth of first DC who lived in S Africa. They arranged for her to come 5 days before due date and stay for 2 weeks after. And she got there the day she went into labour!
If your Mum could take some extra time off, even if she wasn't there for the actual birth she would be for afterwards and that is probably more helpful overall.
If this is really a no go, then a doula sounds a great alternative and will prove really helpful I'm sure (much better than a DP who knows naff all for instance!)
How's the pregnancy going so far?
Do you feel ok?

LittleBeut - good luck with the scan. Let us know how you get on.

DD - please don't feel that you can't ask a female friend to help. Do you know what a tremendous honour it is to be put in that situation by someone? A quite good but fairly recent friend asked if I would be on call for her if she went into labour because her husband was abroad with the army and not getting back until the actual due date. I was so touched and quite excited about it. I have 4 kids and a job but would have dropped everything to have been at hospital supporting her! What a privilege to be at the birth of a new life if it isn't you having to do the hard work .
Anyway disappointingly for me (but not for her!) she was 8 days late so her DH was there.
What I'm saying is if you have a new friend who lives close and who is someone you would like to have around - ask her. If she has kids already so much the better, she'll be a brilliant advocate and support for you. I think that would be better than a bloke TBH...

DD Have you considered having a student midwife with you when you give birth? My friend had one and IIRC she found her very supportive. It was her second child, so not quite the same circumstances as you, but it might be an extra person to add to your team. AFAIK the student stays with you and the trained midwives do their job as normal(ie: coming and going as needed). Might be worthwhile looking into it.

oh yy to the student midwife - I didn't have one specifically for me, but I did have one who was there for most of my labour and birth, she was v nearly qualified and she was fabulous. She even came to check on me once I'd moved to the maternity ward after!

DD I'm on the due in August thread and on there is a doula. I have asked if you can message her and she if absolutely fine with it chick. Obviously I know that your due only a few weeks before her, and she may not even live close but she maybe able to put your mind at rest on a few things... she seems fab, really really nice. Let me know if you want her details chicky x

DD I had my second child alone. I ended up having an emergency CS, but it was OK. My OH couldn't be with me as he had died while I was pregnant.

The midwives at my hospital were wonderful. It was on my notes that I was alone, so they kept a bit of an extra eye on me.

They were also really good on the maternity ward afterwards. DD and I were there for a week before I could get us discharged, but they were great.

If you can have someone there with you, do ask - it's not the end of the world if you are on your own (and please don't take that the wrong way), but if you don't have to be or don't want to be, then the advice given by other posters on here is very wise....

Sorry, I seem to look at my computer all day and just neglaected this thread. Actually that isn?t entirely true, I have mulling over a lot of comments and recommendations and trying figure out the best road ahead. Anyway,

LittleBeau ? I hope tomorrow goes really well! And what is the Doula?s name? I will email her ? if I figure out how to do it on this system.

Pickgo ? I will ask friends at some point for help ? I don?t feel like this is the right time or situation somehow. I want to give birth and THEN have friends drop by, do shopping ? you know the good stuff. Not the screaming at the top of my lungs (or at least I hope not), messy birth. It doesn?t feel right. And yet being entirely on my own during it feels lonely.

Freshmint ? see above. I know what you mean, but inviting someone else also means I would be worried about them or feel uncomfortable out just being me as well (that just occurred to me, so its not something I have pondered)

Meglet and Wonderstar ? I think you are on the right track. Only one doula I looked at had set prices (£500 for birth package) and £15 per hour postnatal. I would love to find a student midwife or training doula ? I wonder how one finds them?

Lemonylemon ? Thank you for sharing your story and that must have been so diffficult. It is good to know that they do look out for you. I have a good feeling that I too will have a caesarean due to medical reasons. And I wondered about the postnatal side of it. I had heard that staying on the wards could totally ruin the birth experience as they can be crowded and midwifes tend to be sidetracked. That gives me some hope.