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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Has anyone every moved far away from ex? Or have any opinions on the matter?

16 replies

HotSprocket · 16/01/2011 15:46

Ex DP and I have been separated for a few months. Was a completly mutual decision, we are both happy to be separated. We have a 9 month old dd.

ATM we live in a city, it is expensive and not really very nice. It is not the place where i ever wanted to raise a child. He needs to live here for his work but i am not tied here by anything other than him.

I have been considering moving back to my home town. It is about a 3 hour drive/train ride away and i would happily transport DD to DP or let him come and stay whenever he wanted. He is self employed so would be able to come for quite long periods if he wished.

Ex says he is happy for me to do it. He knows i would be happier back near my family and would be able to afford a better quality of life than would be possible where we currently are.

I am worried though, i know he would miss dd like crazy and the travelling would probably get tiring.

ATM it is just a thought and my main priority is to keep everyone happy. I really do still care about my ex so don't want to put him into a situation that would make him unhappy.

Has anyone ever moved away from their ex?

Does anyone have any opinions on wether it would be a good/bad idea?

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 16:43

Def sounds like a good idea. If u r happy dd will be happy. Hes at work, thats his choice, what about your work? i expect dd is priority for u.
And what about extended family surely they r just as important part in dd life as ex.
Go for it. Sounds like he'll come and visit and if its a big struggle for him then he'll have to move, u cant put your life on hold for him.

GypsyMoth · 16/01/2011 16:55

If he's agreeing that's fine, but I'd get that properly in writing in case he takes it to court via a prohibited steps order!

Things tend to change, usually once new partners become involved.

GypsyMoth · 16/01/2011 16:56

Extended family just as important as her dad, flojo?? You sure about that? After all, they have NO legal responsibilities to the child, the dad however,does!

Original poster

HotSprocket · 16/01/2011 16:57

Thanks flojo

Work is another reason i won't want to move, at the moment I am a SAHM but in the next few years I want to go to university which would be easier if I moved to near my family as they would be great at helping with childcare.

I think that now would be a good time to move, as dd is not at school yet so the upheavel on her would be minimum. If it is hard on everybody i could always move back.

OP posts:

Original poster

HotSprocket · 16/01/2011 16:59

Tiffany new partners is one of my biggest worries about it. If he met someone new it would be harder for him to come and visit, especially if he went on to have more DC.

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 17:08

U have to do what is right for u, and i think having a support network is a good step. as for new partners, u could stay and then he meets someone else and will find he has less n less time for dd. Dd is young and will adjust so do what u think is right for u, not ex.

GypsyMoth · 16/01/2011 17:48

You think her dad having less time fir her us a good thing flojo?

Op...I also meant when YOU get a new partner. Maybe then your ex might see things differently. They sometimes do. But yes, he also may re marry or whatever and your dd would then have a stepmother and possibly new siblings, so he may want dd down there staying with him

Original poster

HotSprocket · 16/01/2011 17:53

I hadn't even thought about me getting a new partner I reckon that is a long way off! I suppose it probably will happen one day though, i'll have to think about that. Thanks Tiffany

OP posts:

Flojo1979 · 16/01/2011 17:54

No i dont see it as a good thing but often when ppl split the ex is good to start with then as he moves on n gets new partner and poosibly kids they then arent so good, and yes i know i'm generalising and theres plenty of guys out there who juggle well but i dont know many dads who hold down a full time job, a new partner and other kids and manage to see their kid more than once a wk, in which case OP might as well move as location is irrelevant so long as its not australia!

TheVisitor · 16/01/2011 17:56

I did, and both my other half and I have an excellent relationship with DS1's father. He stays with us whenever he wants to. We've been separated for 16 1\2 years.

Original poster

HotSprocket · 16/01/2011 18:06

Thanks visitor, it is good to hear a positive story.

Me and Ex really do have a good relationship and i feel quite confident that we can maintain it. Obviously I can't say for sure and anything could happen but i am hopeful

OP posts:

justonemorethen · 16/01/2011 20:05

Perhaps you could do things differently. My last BF had his daughter taken half way around the world. She stays for her summer hols (our Christmas )and again in the summer. It works much better than the weekly arrangement as both parties can get on with their lives most of the year and then she gets full on fun Daddy time as he gets a proper go at looking after her.
I think extended family are v. important and her dad will be her Dad regardless of how many visits he gets. Quality rather than quanityy is the way to look at it.

Original poster

HotSprocket · 18/01/2011 15:54

Thanks justone, I suppose that is one way of doing it. At the moment DD is just a baby so has to stay with me all the time but it is def something to think about for the future.

OP posts:

taken4granted · 20/01/2011 16:27

Hey I moved away (initially not by choice) 300 miles (4-5 hr drive) away almost 3 yrs ago now - my daughter was 7 at the time shes now 10 and I can hinestly say it was certainly the best thing we ever did - I have my parents down the rd for support new friends who never knew my ex so dont see me as "broken" and we live in a lovely area right by the lake district Its great so If you decide to go for it good luck and as your child is young they are certain to adapt easily - ( my ex never didi anything with her anyway so she doesnt miss him at all until he comes up to visit and spends a fortune on her)

LoneFather · 20/01/2011 19:09

It sounds like he's being reasonable and understanding about the situation, as you do too. If he's in agreement then you should definitely do it, maybe ask if you can have his agreement in writing (if you feel he might change his mind and try to cause problems) but only if you feel you really need to.

You need the support of your extended family, I know I would be lost without mine, and clearly at the moment he appreciates that. So long as you both make the effort for DD and he to have a relationship then go for it and be thankful you can.

Original poster

HotSprocket · 20/01/2011 20:02

My ex is being very reasonable about this, i can't fault him on it.

I honestly don't think he would change his mind and cause trouble but i do worry that his parents might encourage him to do so so i would get it in writing just to be on the safe side.

As i see it we have a good 3 years before dd starts school. During this time we can see what works for us, I can try living elsewhere and if it is hard on anyone we can think of another solution without it being too much upheavel for DD.

OP posts:

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