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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Aren't we just kidding ourselves...

26 replies

Toastiewoastie · 15/01/2011 23:06

...to think we can find a good man and hold on to a relationship?

I have finally come to the conclusion that I am better off single, and I know for a fact that I am happier this way than I have ever been in any relationship.

I like my space. I am not a tidy person, and I am not a great cook. I am very overweight and can't imagine anyone desiring me. I am nice, kind and generous, but I am not very funny and I can be quite intense. I know lots of women far more witty and pretty than me who are unable to find a decent man, what hope have I? I seem to have ended up in the crappiest relationships with narcissistic, selfish, lazy men.

I know intellectially that love only causes me pain. I want to be free, so why do I keep craving to be tied down?

Life is good. I have no need of a man. I can do what I like, when I like and how I like. When I qualify as a teacher, I will be able to work anywhere I can find work. If I was in a relationship I wouldn't have this freedom. I have my DS, so I have had the experiece of mother hood at least. So why is it that I feel like I am grieving, then?

OP posts:

dobiegirl · 15/01/2011 23:14

Good for you toastie, as long as you love your babies, and you are happy also, I cannot think of a more carefree life xxx

Kewcumber · 15/01/2011 23:17

"to think we can find a good man and hold on to a relationship?" well other women seem to manage it so if I wanted it enough I don;t see why I shouldn;t have that too.

However like you I am perfectly happy single life is not perfect but its good and it wouldn;t be perfect if I were in a stable relationship but hopefully that would be god too.

"So why is it that I feel like I am grieving, then?" - I don;t know maybe you are too young to be this cynical - I a wizened old 46 yr old!

teahouse · 16/01/2011 18:58

I'm soon to be 45 and have been single for 10 years.

I'm Ok on my own but have one at Uni now and in a few years the other will be off and am dreading being totally alone.

I can get with the whole grieving thing. I am fine without a partner but the thought of a future that continues like this is beyond scary.

pickgo · 16/01/2011 19:16

It's hard to feel ok - even if you are - on your own I think because there's a lot of our culture devoted to telling us that life is about finding Mr/Mrs Right. Not to mention all the romance crap we're fed from practically the moment we're born eg Cinderella and about every pop song ever written.
Is that overly cynical?

lilacisinlove · 16/01/2011 19:45

I found a good man, but it's too early to tell whether I can hold on to a relationship. I bloody hope so though.

happybubblebrain · 16/01/2011 20:54

Toastie - I pretty much share most of your opinions. Except I'm not grieving at all and most definately do not want another man ever. I've been single for 3.5 years and am much happier without men in my life. Seriouly, I don't need a man for anything. I don't want one for anything. I don't think I'm cynical, it's just a preference. I don't care what culture tells me I should want, I make up my own mind about everything.

I think women are fed a sorry lie. And the chances of you finding a really good, kind, caring man is so slim that even the most attractive, intelligent, witty, fun, lovely superwoman has little chance.

So, love your single life, appreciatiate the freedom you have and never think that the grass is greener.

lowercase · 16/01/2011 21:13

do you have good friendships Toastie?

extended family?

a fulfilling job?

how about doing some voluntary work in schools or befriending or mentoring?

i bet you have a mountain of attributes that the world is crying out for, dont fret your life away.

goingroundthebend4 · 17/01/2011 06:44

Most the time im happy on my own but theres times when i feel so dam lonely .And think it be nice to share things with someone again.

Its watching dads with their kids gtes me or watching familys on holiday or on days out .Though im not quite that naieve to think its good and that they might well be sniping at each other unde rtheir breath

FeelingOld · 17/01/2011 08:26

Well until 2 years ago I was single with 2 kids, aged 44, overweight, working fulltime and had kind of accepted that I was gonna be single forever. I have a brilliant family and some lovely friends and although I wasnt the one to end my marriage I had come to terms with it and quite liked being on my own although there were some aspects of having a man around that I missed but I knew in my heart I never wanted to live with a man again (this had been my 2nd marriage).

Then when I least expected it I met a lovely, caring, funny, hardworking, intelligent, selfless, generous man who accepts me for who I am and who loves me and my kids.
We have been seeing each other for 2 years and 3 months now and our relationship just gets better and better. He knows that we may never live together as I was honest with him from day 1 but I think the fact we dont live together makes our relationship better as we look forward to seeing each other when we have been apart for a few days.

Just telling this to those of you who do want to meet a wonderful man as i want you to know that it is possible and that there are still some lovely men out there, its just not easy to find them.

gillybean2 · 17/01/2011 19:08

Given the number of 'narcissistic, selfish, lazy men' out there I think it's fair to say some of us won't find a good man.

Some of those men will grow up and relise they need to change to have a relationship and a family and love in their life and people to care for and who care for them around them. I have seem several men in second relationships who realise the pain they caused first time round and are better husbands/partners for that. And I have also seen many people who settle and aren't very happy.
Maybe some men just get better at hiding it.
And some won't change ever.
So that leaves some of us without someone decent.

And given that (I think I recall correctly) 50% of married men play away from home at some point, and that 1 in 10 will have visited a prostitute, I think the chances of finding a good man (whatever that may be) who isn't already snapped up is quite rare really.

Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear. It's my perception and acceptance of it now though :(

Original poster

Toastiewoastie · 17/01/2011 22:24

I think I a grieving more for the dream I once had of what it was meant to be ie, life, love, marriage.

In most respects in my life things are going well. I have good friends, supportive family, a decent job that is secure and I enjoy even if it pays crap. All that is fine and dandy. I just don't have this one thing. A happy love life.

I agree with the person who said we are fed a sorry lie. The whole romance crap. It is utter bollox.

I am grieving the children I will never have, and the stable (nuclear 2 parent) family I can never provide for my DS. The whole package.

OP posts:

BeeandSon · 17/01/2011 22:52

I am grieving the children I will never have, and the stable (nuclear 2 parent) family I can never provide for my DS. The whole package
me too
but I could cope
what I cannot cope with is that DS is grieving deeply too

Daydreaming · 17/01/2011 23:09

Toastie - me too
I don't mind being alone most of the time and I have my DD but I too had a dream.
I have a good job, etc. but what I really wanted was the whole nuclear family thing - a loving husband, and two or three children.

pickgo · 17/01/2011 23:15

Hey Beeand Son
Dcs are remarkably resilient though. I know its almost unbearable to see your DCs suffering the loss/lost feelings after a split, but they do bounce back! Once he can see that life does not end and there are still good things to enjoy he'll pick up really quickly.
In the meantime I'd try and let him talk about it as much as you can without reacting too much - just let him get it out - so that he can move on from his sadness all the more quickly once he gets to that stage iyswim.
Oh and don't underestimate the power of the little things to cheer up DCs! (games, friends, days out etc.)

BeeandSon · 18/01/2011 10:16

Pickgo my dc never met father. He is making up stories and he idealise father figure, will not speak to me. I hear it from mother of his friends that over hear conversations
I try to make up for it but I can see how much he misses the ordinary family life. It will be ages before he can believe that no father is better than bad father, if that ever happens
But you are right, I may overestimated the damage he is suffering as children judgment and perception is different than us adults

WhyHavePets · 18/01/2011 10:26

Toastie, I am 35 and have been single for 5 years now. I am happy and (if I do say so myself) doing an ok job of bringing my kids up. I like having things my way, I have always been selfish! Just occasionally I get a touch of what you are describing, that feeling that I am missing out, the feeling that I have been cheated out of something - but it passes soon enough when I imagine having to organise another child around my already busy life!

What really saddens me though is your view of yourself. You describe yourself as too overweight, not funny enough, not pretty enough and so on and so forth... that is a horrible way to view yourself - quite likely not accurate! Other people may be slimmer, witter etc but also less caring, less sensitive. What I mean is, the things yu are noticing are the things you want to be (we all do it) but you need to be noticing the things you are, I would lay bets that others dont always match up as well there!

Have a man, don't have a man - whatever, that is a by issue but please, for the love of yourself and your child, please try to get a better view of yourself. Happiness is very much linked with how we view ourselves and our situation, give yourself a fighting chance to be properly happy!

BeeandSon · 18/01/2011 10:30

going back to the title subject
I am achhing for some adult (male) company at the moment. Looking back I did not have horrible relationship (apart from father of child which was a short lived traumatic affair) so I know I am able to have a good relationship. It is sheer lack of sheer luck (stupid little sentence I often use but I spare you the last "sheer" that rimes with luck) God I am silly today

KerryMumbles · 18/01/2011 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeandSon · 18/01/2011 10:33

KM oh yeah....
cant even get that!

KerryMumbles · 18/01/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeeandSon · 18/01/2011 10:54

Kerry happy to hear that how long have u been with your dp?
so, over 5 yr no dating 'check' , pretty resigned 'check' libido is a long distant memory 'check' .... all I need to do is get to unlikeliest of places.... sounds gooood to meee where is it then?

KerryMumbles · 18/01/2011 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybean2 · 18/01/2011 17:12

least likely place you say... hmm... That'd be in my bed then!

...

Just checked, still not there...

persephonesnape · 18/01/2011 18:14

I will also check under my bed in case he's hiding..................

.....nope.

ah, well.

gettingeasier · 18/01/2011 19:23

Xh left just over a year ago for an ow, I am 44 with 2 dc and am so relieved not to have the burden of wanting to be in a relationship and hope this feeling lasts.

Whilst MN has been great support it has also put me off men big time !!

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