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Lone parents

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Original poster

Did anyone here instigate the split... being made to feel like the big bad wolf

16 replies

TitsalinaBumSquash · 11/01/2011 08:36

I told DP that we have to split up. Our relationship is disfunctional and not doing either of us any good. I can't stand the children living in the tension either.

He didn't take it well, he is swinging between quite acceptance and angry attack. I guess this is normal?
He is making me out to be evil, saying im forcing him out the family, ruining his life, screwing him over as everything changes for him and I get left with everything. (I don't just the flat)

I'm hoping the outside world don't see me as the bad guy, I certainly don;t think anyone close to us does, they all say it's no suprise and been expecting it for a while.

Im finding it a struggle at the moment, I guess it will be better when he moves out but all he will be able to afford is a flat/house share and he isn't keen on that idea at all.

OP posts:

Hannispan · 11/01/2011 10:38

I left my EX - and by left I mean moved 109 miles away :-) He hated me leaving, grumbled about not having the kids (despite having pratically lived at uni), having to shock horror do housework, breaking his heart etc etc. However, within 6 months he had got over the shock and is now actually thankful that I had the courage to leave. Because he reached that point we tell people that our split was mutal primarly because it means neither of us will get the blame.

Oh and some people will blame you - my lovely ex MIL hates me for 'destroying her sons life' - but it sorts out real friends from fake friends.

Good luck!

StellaBrillante · 11/01/2011 10:49

I felt the same as you when I ended my marriage and consequently when I ended a long-term relationship. Both men played victims and the whole 'poor me, left with nothing'. Not for a minute did I feel sorry for them as at the end of the day, I was the one left to pick up the pieces, with all the responsibilities and as a lp in full-time employment. Of course they very conveniently overlooked that. That didn't matter as much but yes, it did bother me that people saw me as the bad one. I now know from experience that it's all in our heads and that if anyone in their right mind does think that then they completely lack common-sense. Don't beat yourself up and when you do worry about it, get a good friend to remind you how much you are facing on your own and how strong / brave you are to be getting on with your life and not letting your dc down.

HUGS

Thelastnameleft · 11/01/2011 10:54

Yes, I made the decision to end things with my ex-H. This was after a period of about 6 months of constant bickering and arguing, following him cheating on me.

I couldnt understand why he was so shocked, I wondered if he was really truly happy to carry on living like that forever? I used to find myself dreading coming home from work and hated that feeling.

I had the same thing as you too Hannispan, everyone in our social circle saw me as the shit of the situation and I lost a lot of friends because of it.

Nevereatyellowsnow · 11/01/2011 14:10

Yes definitely, the thing with fuckwit men is that nothing is ever their fault and they are very good at playing the victim to friends and family (ime anyway). As hard as it is when things aren't working one of you has to be the strong one and call time on it, give yourself a pat on the back that its you

sjm123 · 11/01/2011 17:40

Yep, I kicked him out after he hit me. He's been badmouthing me to all of his friends and family, saying I'm lying about the situation and that it's because I'm depressed and they should feel sorry for me. I've ruined his life and my children's .

Some days I respond to his texts which alternate between whiney neediness, straight out lying and nasty digs at me in any way he can think of (I won't see him face to face ever, or speak to him on the phone. Been there done that with a man that was abusive for years and I will not make the same mistake twice) if he catches me at a low moment or I'm having a bad day trying to sort out the mess of finances and housing etc. but I hope ignoring him as much as possible unless it's directly to do with my children and him seeing them will give him the hint that I'm not interested in his silly, childish games. I'm not going to let him manipulate me into doing what he wants by lying, pouting and feeling sorry for himself.

The way I see it I'm better than that and better than him as far as I'm concerned :)

(unless I'm having a feeling sorry for myself day, like today)

whiteandnerdy · 11/01/2011 19:12

Yeah, I made the decision to leave the ex. I thought the best thing was to move out, and got alot of "you've broken up the family" and from my perspective the ex bombarded the kids with the message that I'd left them in an effort to put pressure on me to 'patch things up.'

I think this lasted until the penny dropped I wasn't going to be coerced to carry on the relationship.

However, even after many years I'd still be given the "you should be happy after-all this is what you want isn't it."

It's just sad all round when a relationship ends, and it's hard for everyone, even more when theirs kids involved .

Hazeleyedbaby · 11/01/2011 23:09

Yes I left DP, but i moved out with DS and have started again, didn't take anything other than furniture that was mine to begin with, he is sitting pretty in a flat that I refurbished at my expense and makes out to be the victim, but he was a selfish sod in all aspects and I could not see myself being miserable 10, 20 years on and saying I stayed for DS! On the upside we do get on ok and DS has a mummy and daddy that love him to bits - just need to sort out some maintenance money from him and all will be well

CostanzaBonanza · 12/01/2011 12:53

Hi, i left my ex fairly recently, it was a crap relationship but i felt so guilty. he blames me for breaking up the family, took me to court and said I was mentally ill and went for residency.
I left the home we shared and moved to be closer to my parents. i just took our clothes with us so have had to get a big overdraft to pay for stuff for the house.
His friends and family blame me, he tells them all kind of things about me but I don't have to see any of them anymore so doesn't bother me
He cannot communicate with me without resorting to being rude and critical. I'm hoping that things will get better eventually for the childrens sake. i have got over feeling guilty! Although i don't get any maintenance from him, he thinks that because I was the one who left then he should not contribute anymore to the children although he sees them very regularly for overnight visits.I am not ready for yet another battle with him so will probably just leave ut for the time being.
All my friends, family and workmates understand why I have done it and have been so supportive, give it time, it'll get easier x

tammybear · 12/01/2011 13:04

I broke up with my ex 8 years ago. I wasn't happy, I was young and with him for as long as I was because 1) I didn't want DD growing up without a dad like I did and 2) I was young and scared and didn't want to do it on my own. However, I got to a point where I knew my happiness was more important. I broke up with him, he said the same things, ruining his life, taking DD away from him etc etc. His family kept pushing me to do counselling with him, but my response always was "why should I when I don't love him?" He made me out to be the bad guy to all his friends and whoever bothered listening to him, but I didn't care. I had told ex to leave our house, and he too had to move into a houseshare as that's all he could afford. Six months later he moved back to his parents.

However, as I said, we are now 8 years down the line, ex is nearly 30, still living at home (2.5hrs away), doesn't have a job, rarely sees DD and can't even bothered to pick up the phone to call her, or even call her on Christmas Day, or even text to wish her a good one. He carries on playing the victim, thinking it's my fault and I've made things difficult for him... eyeroll

DD, on the otherhand, is use to not seeing ex. She doesn't like seeing him on his own, she prefers it when his parents and sister come (ex doesn't drive or can't be bothered to get on a coach/train) as his sister, who is a lovely girl, always makes such an effort with DD. And DD knows that me and DP love her very much and that's what matters to her :)

oldenoughtowearpurple · 12/01/2011 13:14

Another one here. And we ended up still living together for 14 months while the house sold. It is Not Nice, but it's like childbirth - painful messy and undignified but well worth the effort.

Zanywany · 12/01/2011 17:55

Goodness me I thought it was just me who was made to feel guilty, reading alot of the posts its as if I had written them.

I decided to split from my XH 4 years ago after being unhappy for about a year before that. He was the ultimate victim, accused me of having an affair (I wasn't but later did go out with the guy he was accusing for quite a while). Unfortunately he said all these things to my family and because I was trying to keep a dignified silence didn't contradict him and so half of my family were also angry with me, some still are. Mutual friends ignored me, one sent nasty emails and if I see my X parents in law they will cross the street even if my DC's are with me.

On the plus side it made me realise who my friends really were and now have an amazing circle of friends who would never do that to me.

At the end of the day you are splitting up to make yourself and also your DC's happier. I am definately happier (sometimes lonely) now and so are my DC's. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for getting yourself out of a bad situation

beingsetup · 12/01/2011 18:53

Stay positive and stay calm. There is nothing that annoys people looking for a reaction more than not giving them one. Relationships do end sadly, and it doesn't make one person meaner than the other.

portaloo · 12/01/2011 21:51

Yes, I kicked XP out of my house. He alternated between crying crocodile tears , getting angry, and trying to make me feel like I hadn't tried hard enough.

Some of the things he would say are:

You can't have cared that much about me if you're throwing me out to live....I don't know where.
I've got nowhere to go.
You have taken everything away from me.
I will try harder/change.
I will always love you.
I will never ever be with anyone else.

Blah Blah Blah....

I did feel guilty, and worried about him, until he shacked up with another woman and decided to make my life as difficult as possible.

Now I am so happy, and wonder why I wasted any of my time feeling bad. I certainly don't feel bad now.

secretskillrelationships · 12/01/2011 22:19

My ex was the one, ultimately, who wanted out. I took the line with family and friends that it was a joint decision as I thought this would make it easier all ways round and didn't want him cast as the 'villain'. Needed have bothered, it's clear by the way certain people have responded that he's implied it was all my doing.

And it really doesn't matter. Relationships end and it's never all down to one person. I don't hold with the current thinking that it's always 50:50 but I do think both people in a relationship have some responsibility. It does hurt when old friends behave in ways that suggest they see my ex as the victim, but I know who I am, what I did to try to improve the situation and how little my ex did.

Ultimately, none of us like being blamed, especially when we feel it is unfair. But it doesn't change who you are or what happened. If someone can't be bothered to ask you about what happened and yet still judges the situation, I think you have to question how much you should value their judgement.

lilacisinlove · 12/01/2011 22:31

Yes, me too...I ruined his life and wrecked my children's prospects, it was all about me and I wanted everything.

What I wanted was to live the rest of my life free from emotional abuse or the fear of it. Things couldn't be better.

As for him, he is with someone else now. I don't know what she sees in him and even though he told the DDs six months ago they still refuse to meet her, though I suspect she's nice enough.

He still lives in the marital home and owes me about £200k before we've reached a fair settlement. Divorce petition (on 2 years separation) goes to court next week.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

Fionaflan · 12/01/2011 23:15

I ended my marriage, after ex had gone into a huff that lasted a month, seriously! He refused to let kids and me stay in the marital home so we had a nightmare six months all stuck in the same house while the girls and I tried to find a place to live.

He wasn't happy to split, but none of my friends or family were surprised by it. My friends all stood by me, oddly enough it was some of my family who took his side and have never been the same with me since, even though he has since told me he's far happier now, being able to spend his money on what he wants to instead of paying for a family. You just have to ignore it and know that you've done what's right for you and your children, and ultimately for your ex too.

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