need some advice please

[lilly153]

my ex partner is constantly harrising me via phone calls and txt messages threatning me or being abusive towards me ,we have a 3 year old together
ive never stopped him seeing my son but hes just never been interested, he keeps saying hes coming to see him then always lets my son down at the last min
my sons away to bed tonight again thinking tomorrow hes getting up to go see his daddy only daddys to busy stalking me
ive not got a life becuase of the man wont leave me alone im soo stressed with it all
the relationship was very bad was full of arguments some of wich turned violent, i wouldnt say hes an alcholic because he doesnt drink every day but he tends to go into these drink bindges and just doesnt no when to stop over the years his temper has got worse - he actualy kicked in my front door last a few months ago at 2 oclock in the morning

i dont no what to do anymore i feel as if my sons getting to the age now where his feelings are getting hurt by this mans actions
am i just best to quit all contact between them both change numbers ect... ive been thinking about changing my numbers anyway just so i can get some piece but can i make the decision to stop my ex seeing his son i no this will be hard as ive not let him see him since xmas and ive had nothing but constant threats from him
if he takes me to court will he be able to get access granted to him
he will have some sort of record for kicking in my front door he never actualy got charged with it they let him away with a fine so not sure if it will be any use as evidence if he does take me to court ive also kept all emails txts ect that hes sent

you have to decide what you want first
either you stop speaking to him and see if it takes you to court which somehow I dont think he will
To go to court or even if he got any legal advice he will soon find out that he will not be supported in what he thinks are his right but he will be made aware of what his responsabilities are iyswim
the other option is you start taking action yourself. Call Women Aid, ask for advice and follow it through.
He are saying that he is not interested in the child but stalks you. Well that is already enough for you to get a restraining order, it sounds like you may have called the police already and they will have records.
Look after yourself

I wouldn't block contact unless he was a danger to your child.

To help your son avoid the disappointment of an unreliable dad, don't tell him when he is going to see him. Just make it a good surprise (it saves a lot of heartache), if he shows up fantastic, if he doesn't... no broken heart. Now, don't sit and wait for him, if he doesn't show within 15 minutes of the agreed time, go out and go on with your day.

WRT to the harassment...The only thing I could advise is to keep a very detailed (factual rather than emotional) record of every problem you have with him. The police/court pays attention to such diaries more than to verbal accounts.

From what I have seen, it is better to get a solicitor to apply to court for a restraining order rather than get the police to arrest him or even giving him a written warning.

Maelstrom would you not consider someone kicking a door down not a "danger" for the child?
I cant imagine to be good for the child to see dad doing that

Continue keeping/documenting all txts or forms of harrassment dates, times ,what's happening,bn said etc. I would report it to the police so it's on record as if you xp does take you to court it won't look good on him. If he does damage your property again take photo's (collect as much evidence as possible) as what he is not thinking about is his behaviour will have a knock on affect on your son. I would speak to a solicitor also maybe send a warning that if his behaviour persists you will apply for an injunction against him. You have allowed ur xp to see ur son but tbh from what uv said it doesn't sound like he's all that intersted, not wanting to meet his emotional needs etc so I would ask your solicitor to organise access but in a mediation/contact centre where he can be observed by professionals. TBH I wouldn't be sending my child to him the way he's behaving but you have to be seen to be thinking in the childs best interests. Stay one step ahead!
I know what it's like to recieve harrassment from an xp luckily he wasn't ds dad so didn't have to worry about that element but xp couldn't get over the fact that i'd ended the relationship I was getting silent phone calls,he was deliberately driving passed when he knew i'd be collecting ds from school, one morning he was even sitting watching me leave the house it was frightening my son so I reported him to the police a warning shot was all it needed but it can be quite stressful when it's happening so take action. The police may well advise you to change your telephone no's but if you do keep your mobile sim card so they can check whether he's continuing.
Hope that helps take care.

Yeah my son was left terrified for a good 4 months atleast after he kicked in my door he wasn't scared of his dad because one I never let my son out his room but he was terrified of being in my house any slight noise he was jumping and asking what it was he's all right now but that defo took a while for him to get over that

I've not been keeping a diary as suck I've just kept all the emails and that saved to paper so I'm guessing that is proof as for phone calls they would only need to check my call log it wouldn't be hard to spot his number

And yes you are right maelstrom about not telling my son when he's coming and beleave me I hardly ever do but its just how many chance can the one man have, I told my son he was coming to see him tomorrow because he promised he was coming don't get me wrong my fault for telling my son

the restrainging order its something I've been considering seriously over the last few days as I just can't cope with it any more I've let it go on for far to long

I would, sadly, DV perpetrators, drug dealers, people who has been in jail, and many other who have done worse sins that kicking a door... still get access if they are not a danger to the children.

And proving that I child is in danger is a rather difficult thing. Unfortunately.

Thanks angeree seeing a solicitor sounds like a good idea I really don't want my son missing out on having a relationship with his dad if the man actualy cared half a cent about him I'm quite confident I could set up access through a contact centre but he wouldn't agree to it that wouldn't be good enough for him because he wants full access but yet he can even come see him on the days we've all ready arranged
I'm on a contract mobile so not sure if they will send me out a new sim but I won't no till I ask failing that they will defo change my number for me
Thanks for the advice ladies I allready knew the answers myself I just need to be reassured I wasn't being selfish by me not wanting to have contact with him that my son would lose out as well all though I think he will be better off in the long run for it

Thanks angeree seeing a solicitor sounds like a good idea I really don't want my son missing out on having a relationship with his dad if the man actualy cared half a cent about him I'm quite confident I could set up access through a contact centre but he wouldn't agree to it that wouldn't be good enough for him because he wants full access but yet he can even come see him on the days we've all ready arranged
I'm on a contract mobile so not sure if they will send me out a new sim but I won't no till I ask failing that they will defo change my number for me
Thanks for the advice ladies I allready knew the answers myself I just need to be reassured I wasn't being selfish by me not wanting to have contact with him that my son would lose out as well all though I think he will be better off in the long run for it

You can get a restraining order against this man without depriving him of his 'right' to see his child: you can insist on supervised contact only due to the man's violence and drinking.
Men like this who demand access to DC as a way of bullying their XPs do tend to fuck off when the XP cuts them out of her life, so it is definitely worth doing.

Thanks stuffingoldbrass I'm hoping this will be the case

Do I have to go to police for some sort of restraining order or can a solicitor put something in place?

Think it's a solicitor you'll need to see to get one but police would enforce it!

Yes, you have to take it out via a solicitor (call Women's Aid for a recomendation if necessary). Remember, all the time, that this man is not actually a loving father desperate to see his child, he is a knobber who wants to harass you and make you obey him, so just stonewall him.

Should have said if you offer contact through contact centre and you have reasonable grounds for doing so,if xp refuses then it's him who is refusing to see your son not you stopping him, so it'll look bad on him and you don't have to offer any other form of contact once he's refused. Def take all evidence of harrassment to solicitor so they can see you've got just cause for asking for contact to be supervised.