Divorce lawyer tomorrow- need your top tips for questions

[domeafavour]

Where to start?
EA H, asked him to leave just before Xmas, he is insisting on staying, says we can try again.
Will try and link to last thread but on my phone!

So, solicitor appt tomorrow, what should I ask, my main concerns are custody of ds, who gets to stay in the house/or sale of house and also H is from NZ and I would be concerned that he would want to take ds there. Not kidnap him, but want him to live there. He has no family, i have very close family who I see regularly, but live 250 miles away. I was sahm until 2 months ago, so sole carer. Plus he has changed about half a dozen nappies, never done bathtime, is never here, works too many hours and is the most selfish person I have ever met. He gets very stressed when he has to look after ds. He really doesn't understand children at all. Hopefully you are getting the picture!

He earns a lot of money, and should pay half of the household finances. And if not, I should be able to manage on my salary, although I only have a 6 month contract so not permanent.

other thread here

and ds is 3.

Would be really grateful for any advice you could give or share your experiences, or tell me the pitfalls.

OK, i just read the last bit of your other thread.

Basically he is just as legally entitled as you are to stay in the house. The only exception to this is domestic violence.

To put the house on the market is relatively simple. Just get an estate agent. The main issue is how to split the equity. This is often complex as it will depend on a variety of factors such as length of marriage, contributions made before marriage to the house, your assets versus his. His earning ability versus yours. Any agreements made before/during marriage etc. etc. Your solicitor will give you a good idea. The starting premise is always 50-50 but can vary considerably. I must say usually in the woman's favour.

There's no easy way to remain amicable I am afraid. Best thing is simply not to engage with him. Walk away from arguments.

Who has the passport for DS? If that's you, get it stored elsewhere like at your parents house. However, as the father in theory he could apply for another passport but I believe you can ask for a note to be put on record to ensure they contact you. Not 100% sure about that. Call the passport office and find out. NZ is covered by the Hague convention so you should get some reassurance from that. Its more worrying if it was a country outside of it.

To be fair I find it unlikely that he will remove DS to NZ when you say he's the type of guy who can't even change a nappy regularly. Most men are not interested in full time care. Too stressful for them.

Financially if/when he moves out his sole liability will be child maintenance which you can work out a rough amount from the CSA website. In theory you could get spousal maintenance but in practice this is rare. UK courts prefer clean break settlements.

Whilst you continue to live together, its up for debate. At the end of the day assuming you are both named on the mortgage, you will both be liable for any nonpayment.

Hope that helps

Hi Niceguy, thanks for reply.
I have DS's passport, I have kept it with me for the best part of 6 months!
TBH I'm not too worried about the financial side. He has raised a few concerns. ie, the extra money needed for him to get a flat. But he easily earns enough
And I still would be able to manage the finances by myself if he refused to pay anything. He hasn?t once said he wouldn?t pay, even in his angriest moments.

Finances are fairly straightforward, I borrowed a lot for us to get our house, but that has since been repaid. Can?t argue with how much the house is worth, not an awful lot of equity, but he could rent or buy again on his salary. I have no major desire to stay in the house, other than the upheaval for DS

He has threatened to fight for custody, but realistically he knows he would struggle, and he knows that?s not best for DS.
He seems to be desperate to keep this family unit together, when even he can acknowledge that he hasn?t been here for us. He is probably a workaholic and he probably only gets home 1-2 nights a week, goes out with clients a lot, and then is so tired at the weekend that he is tired and grumpy and short fused. And there are times I feel he could have made it home, but he makes the choice to do more work.
And then there?s the strippers, and the dancers and the websites, maritalaffair.com!
no proof of actual infidelity, but the intention was there.
I swear DS wouldn?t really notice if he wasn?t around.
We have talked and talked about our relationship, I have tried for the last year to get him some counselling, he has anger management issues, which we have blamed on stress of the job, but holidays are even worse.
He cannot deal with DS, has no patience whatsoever.

The way to ensure you get value from your solicitor is to arrive with specific questions and all the evidence you can gather that relates to that question.

You also need to understand that everything in a divorce is negotiable, and the person you have to negotiate with is your DH. Your solicitor can give you basic guidelines and advice but the law does not tell you what the final deal should be. Even child maintenance is negotiable and can be arranged with no reference to CSA.

It looks as though you have two key questions

1. Money, because it will drive where you live. Take along info you have on equity and income for both of you
2. DSs living arrangements. Take along an idea of what you think would be reasonable and sensible (eg ds stays with dad xxxx) and ask questions on your relative rights regarding taking ds out of the country.

Solicitors are expensive AND are not a magic wand.

and while DH is at the denial stage things are going to be very difficult indeed.

ok, I have a couple of lists of questions/topics now!
I think I just want reassurance that what I am proposing is feasible and fair and doable.

Does anyone know anymore about mediation, are they just specialist counsellors, where do you find them. Just like normal counsellors, or are they affiliated to lawyers, courts etc

Ask if your lawyer offers collaborative law. Look it up on the Resolution website (www.resolution.oug.uk). It's great!

My friend is a mediator. She's got legal qualifications, not a full blown solicitor and has specialist training.

If both of you are willing to talk sensibly then there's a very good chance it will work. Having a 3rd party there will often remove the anger from the discussions and help focus on the points.

If you are going to get legal aid then mediation is pretty much a requirement before courts.

it definitely sounds like the best course of action. I need some help with him!!
solicitor was very good today.
suggested mediation above everything and couldn't emphasise the importance of coming to an amicable agreement.
It sounds like the kind of law they practice but can't see them on the website. it's a very old solicitors and she said they actually refuse cases with complicated nasty issues.

She said what I am proposing is more than fair, in fact I need to be less accomodating as I am in danger of losing what I am entitled to. but I don't care about his money, yes I care that DS is housed and clothed and his nursery fees paid, but I don't want any of H's money for myself.
But she did point out that I need to take into consideration future child care when Ds goes to school, any school fees, and H's pension, which I hadn't thought about. And also he needs to pay all the mortgage, not half of it. And if it's interest only there needs to be something in place to cover the principal.
So I learnt a fair few things.

how do you qualify for legal aid. I don't think we would qualify tbh

yeah she did ask salary details, so I guess I don't qualify. I didn't even cross my mind really until I read it here. He can definitely afford it!

I agree that if you can sort it out by mediation then its definitely a good thing. My friend who is the mediator reckons the success rate is about 90%. Not sure if thats her rate or a general rate.

Anyway, as a rule court action should be avoided unless as a last resort. It always reminds me of a story a solicitor once told me about how a couple they dealt with got so entrenched in fighting over who got what that they were literally arguing over who got the dog kennel.......except the dog had died and neither of them had a dog! It takes all sorts I guess!